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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a DNA test done

28 replies

Yourarejokingme · 30/06/2014 15:43

Is it unreasonable of me to mention that son should ask for an DNA test with present girlfriend whom is pregnant and she was cheating with him and her now ex boyfriend at the same time.

OP posts:
Xcountry · 30/06/2014 15:48

Talk to him about it, suggest it but don't force it. He may not be prepared for either answer. Tis one shit situation but I wouldn't pressure him into anything or he might push back.

PedlarsSpanner · 30/06/2014 15:49

IIRC one must wait til baby born to perform DNA test.

How do you know she was cheating?

Soggysandpit · 30/06/2014 16:20

Can't be done (except at great expense and risk to unborn child) until child is born.

ICanSeeTheSun · 30/06/2014 16:24

A DNA test to me make sense, does your DS want to be the father of this baby. If so he may not want to know if the DNA matches.

MaidOfStars · 30/06/2014 16:26

Assuming the pregnancy would proceed regardless of outcome, there is zero point in pushing for a prenatal paternity test. It's pointless, and I can't see too many doctors signing off for a dangerous and unnecessary procedure with no tangible treatment outcomes.

Wait for baby to arrive, then broach it. However, I'd have to be very sure about the cheating thing.

MexicanSpringtime · 30/06/2014 16:26

I presume if your son is old enough to have a pregnant girlfriend, he is old enough to know about DNA tests.

I don't think it is your place and it would sound like you are influencing your son against your future grandchild.

BumpAndGrind · 30/06/2014 16:27

How old is your DS? You can mention it to him, but whether or not he has one is his business.

MarmaladeShatkins · 30/06/2014 16:28

Did the girlfriend have sexual contact or sexual intercourse with the OM?

AMumInScotland · 30/06/2014 16:33

Presumably he has heard of DNA tests?

He may have decided he wants to be this baby's father whatever the genetics, and may prefer not to know either way. Or he may intend to ask for the test anyway.

I suspect jumping in and making demands is probably not going to go down well at this stage, since you fairly clearly dislike his girlfriend. You may be completely justified in what you think of her, but if he's still seeing her then you're likely to be the one on the bad end of any clash.

magpiegin · 30/06/2014 16:36

How old is he? If over 18 i would offer support/ advice but not get involved further.

HighwayDragon · 30/06/2014 16:40

What does your son want? If he knows he is the dad them you should keep your beak out, do you want to damage your relationship with your (potential) grandchilds mother forever

parakeet · 30/06/2014 17:25

Do not suggest it. In the midst of a row he may let it slip it you voiced the idea and she will never forgive you for it.

There is no one on the planet who has not heard of paternity testing. If he wants one, he'll do it.

ApocalypseThen · 30/06/2014 17:27

Definitely, recommend away if you never want to see that child.

browneyedgirl86 · 30/06/2014 17:28

Keep your nose out! It's for your son to deal with. Not you.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 30/06/2014 17:29

so, who's saying it's not unreasonable then? are you an interfering type?

Original poster
Yourarejokingme · 30/06/2014 17:40

I know of the cheating because said ex was sons best friend and he is unrepentant about it all as in so what. She was and has admitted to sleeping with both to both as they have to each other. Which I really thought would of ended in a blood bath but thankfully didn't.

He is 25 so not a child.

I haven't mentioned to him but to hubby.

I know it'll be after baby is born. I think in the future he may resent the child and want to know later but not now sadly and I think that is more damaging. He is in two minds as in am I ready, am I not.

They are also arguing a lot and have done for a few months now. FTR I do not interfere I refuse to he is an adult and has to know this is the grown up world. I can only advise if he wants.

This is rather under a cloud for us as its been only 6 months for them and the circumstances from that which are not pleasant at all.

Ultimately it is his decision after all.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 30/06/2014 17:44

What I would advice my son is not to go onto the birth certificate. I not 100% sure but I think this may end in criminal charge.

kilmuir · 30/06/2014 17:46

Wait until baby is born , then of course get a Dna test.

Rainbunny · 30/06/2014 19:06

Seems like it would be best for everyone to figure out the parentage as early as possible, especially since the cheating is out in the open and known by all parties. If a dna test isn't done, consider if the exbf decides that he thinks he might be the father at some point in the future and start pushing for access to the child or a dna test for himself. I think a dna test would be sensible, not something to "punish" the girlfriend. If the baby turns out to be the exbf's that doesn't stop the son from acting as a parent to the baby as the girlfriend's partner. It's in the best interests of the child in any case. I have an inherited predisposition to a health condition, if I was in the child's position I would want to know for health history reasons.

Definitely wouldn't put the son's name on the birth cert. until the parentage was known.

Ibizatime · 30/06/2014 19:18

If he wants to know and is prepared to pay for it, sure why not.

2boys1girlNoPeace · 30/06/2014 19:46

I'd broach the issue as gently as possible, with him definitely and maybe her.
How long have they been together?
I was with my partner for not very long when I fell pregnant, and then went into labour 6 weeks early.
For the next 4 years, I always felt the in laws hated me, couldn't really work out why, maybe because I fell pregnant very quickly..
Any way, after finding out yet again that my in laws had been slagging me off, OH went to confront them. Turns out they didn't think my twins were my partners, thought I'd gotten pg to my ex (impossible by the way, MASSIVE gap between him and my partner, over a year! I've NEVER cheated, nor given any reason to think I have?! I was and still am totally besotted with this guy soppy I know)
Horrible time! I'm still having trouble getting over it now, 5 years later.
We did a DNA test and proved they were partners, but it's now left things awkward, all the time.
Which is why I say talk to her, I'd rather my MIL had spoken to me about it while pg or when twins were born, I would have understood to a degree. We were young, I'd fallen pg very early in the relationship, I'd given birth to twins of healthy weights 6 weeks early, and she had been listening to the bile my ex was giving her.
If she had just spoken to me, and explained her reasons, I would have had the DNA test done, with much less animosity than there is now, I am I think anyway a reasonable woman.

Can you speak to her do you think? Explain why you would like the DNA test done, but if you don't talk to her, then I suggest you don't behave as my MIL did, don't be nasty about her, it WILL get back to her, don't treat the grandchild with any negativity. That's my advice for what it's worth

MexicanSpringtime · 01/07/2014 02:34

don't treat the grandchild with any negativity.

I second this. The child is totally innocent and deserves to have loving grandparents

EarthWindFire · 01/07/2014 06:57

What I would advice my son is not to go onto the birth certificate. I not 100% sure but I think this may end in criminal charge.

Why would it end in a criminal charge?

fluffymouse · 01/07/2014 08:20

I think Yabu, as whatever the facts are (and what you have heard may not be accurate) it is up to your son as an adult to decide how to proceed. For some parentage is about more than genetics.

All you can do is support him.

ICanSeeTheSun · 01/07/2014 08:29

Earthwindfire when I regeristered my 2 DC the person who did the birth certificate that it was an offence to put the wrong name on the birth record.

Not sure if the potential father knew there was a possibility of not being the biological father if he would be in trouble.

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