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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step-Daughter

27 replies

Beth2511 · 30/06/2014 15:19

My OH seems to have taken what I suggested the other day in completely the wrong way and I'm not sure if it's me or him being unreasonable.

Basically, I'm 20 weeks pregnant, work full time and his daughter is 6 and with us two days a week on our days off. I don't mind this arrangement in the slightest, it works for us and I enjoy it. Occasionally he will get a 3rd day off in lieu for over time and I ask we don't have Emily, because I'm still working and still have to pick her up (he doesn't drive), drop her off and cook their dinner so I ask not to and he agrees.

She is starting to get a bit difficult with me and I've found if her dad hugs me or holds my hand or kisses me on the forehead etc she is starting to get very jealous and I think it's going to get worse when baby comes.

I suggested to him that perhaps on one of his days a week with her I go out for a few hours or he goes out for a few hours with emily to have some special daddy and daughter time because I think she really could do with it. Now somehow he has taken this to mean that because generally I ask to keep it to 2 days a week whilst I'm a still working (when I'm on maternity it can be as often as he wants) and that I suggested he have special one on one time with her without me each week that I don't want to be around her and that I've started pushing her out more now I'm pregnant. It's not that at all, I just want her to be happy but I am also absolutely exhausted working 7am-12pm and then 4pm-10pm 5 days a week at 20 weeks.

Am I being unreasonable or has he got the wrong end of the stick?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/06/2014 15:24

Yanbu.

She deserves alone time with her dad and its decent that you are thinking about her feelings.

But you are going to get lynched in here

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 30/06/2014 15:25

YANBU

Is he blind to her reactions/jealousy towards him being affectionate with you? It sounds like you do a lot for/with them - is he fearful of being solely responsible for your DSD? How did arrangements develop early in in your relationship? Did you keep a distance and slowly become involved while he did everything for your DSD, or were you thrown in 'at the deep end' from the beginning?

I think your DH needs to take a step back and see that you are trying to help your DSD, especially if she is feeling insecure/jealous towards you/your relationship with her dad.

Xcountry · 30/06/2014 15:34

Not unreasonable but I can see why he would maybe get the wrong end of the stick. have you explained to him all the aforementioned here? about how you feel she needs it and how she would benefit? why you feel like this and why you wan to try and make things work better? Maybe talking to us (though fine and we don't mind) isn't the right place to be explaining?

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 30/06/2014 15:38

Yanbu, time alone with his attention focused entirely on her is exactly what she needs. She's insecure because she's not getting the attention she needs from him.

TheListingAttic · 30/06/2014 15:42

Can I be the first to ask why it's you that needs to cook everyone's dinner? Not the main issue, I know, but still!

YANBU, but I can see why he might have got the wrong end of the stick.

SarcyMare · 30/06/2014 15:44

well i think you should suggest he does have the 3rd day on the understanding that he cooks that day.
You may need to do a little extra driving (you don't say how much) but that kills 2 birds with 1 stone, he gets to see her alone without you, get him to organise extra special stuff. You don't get seen as wanting to see less of her.
In fact you are putting yourself out.
BUT this has to continue after the baby is born.

MammaTJ · 30/06/2014 15:49

YANBU!

When I joined my step daughters family, by marrying her Dad, I actually said to her that if she wanted Daddy alone time, she only had to ask.

I said the same to my (now ex) husband as well.

He would still ask if she could come for extra time though, even though it was a blanket yes.

I don't get the issue of you having to cook being the reason she cannot stay extra times though. Surely your OH could cook. Surely if he can't you cook for yourself and him anyway, so an extra 6 year olds portion would not be difficult to add.

Thomyorke · 30/06/2014 15:51

You need to make sure that the changes happen before baby is born, if the happen to close together then the child and maybe your DP will link them together even though that is not your intent.

Tryharder · 30/06/2014 18:25

YABU

If Emily was your 'real' daughter, you wouldn't be able to shove her off back to her mother just because you are tired.

You have told your DH you don't want his DD on the third day and now you are encouraging him to spend time with her away from the family unit. Of course he's taken the hump and seem it as a snub.

I get you are tired but what are you going to do say, 4 years down the line when you are expecting a second child. You can't just ignore or palm off the first one.

AnnieOats · 30/06/2014 18:26

I think it's fine. It's no different to one parent taking a child out to give the other pregnant parent a rest.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/06/2014 18:28

Do you know, when I was pregnant my dh OFTEN took my own, biological children out without me so that I could have some rest.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/06/2014 18:29

There was no 'shoving' involved at all.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 30/06/2014 18:31

tryharder se isnt shoving her back tk her mother! The 3rd day would be an extra day that the dd would not expect to be going to her dad's.

And also, some pregnant women do have lovely supportive families who will babysit for a day to let them get some sleep so it is not an insane idea!

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 30/06/2014 18:31

Xpost with humphrey

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 30/06/2014 18:33

If two members of the three person family are together, surely they are the family unit and the op is the one who will be away from the family unit?

I think it's extremely important for my dss and dp to have father son time together. Why does the whole family have to be all together all the time? Why can't the father take his daughter out for one on one time?

Moreisnnogedag · 30/06/2014 18:34

I often feel sorry for step mums who can't seem to do right for doing wrong.

I think it's actually sweet that you want to help your dsd keep a bond with her dad. If you were evil step mom you'd be pushing to drop contact altogether.

As humphrey said, loads of my pregnant friends had their DH take their other children out to give them a rest. Please, my DH takes my DS out now to give me a rest and I'm not even pregnant!

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 30/06/2014 18:37

I must tell my dcs that their father is taking them away from the family unit when he has them for the weekend and takes them fishing without their stepmum. Hmm

needaholidaynow · 30/06/2014 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClashCityRocker · 30/06/2014 18:43

I don't think YABU in the slightest, first and foremost.

However, it sounds like she has got more protective over her dad since the baby on the way has become more of a 'reality' rather than a vague concept, and this could indicate that she is worried about her place within the family dynamic.

If your DH has picked up your dsd's worries, this may mean he is being over-sensitive with regard to yours and your dsd's relationship. Is this your first DCs, or even the first 'new' dc since you and her dad got together?

'Special daddy time' is good, but could you have some 'special family time' so you are all doing nice things together? I do wonder if setting up too much of a 'me and my dad' scenario will backfire a bit as she needs to feel more secure within the family unit, rather than just with her dad.

Have you or DH talked to her about her feelings around the baby coming?

ClashCityRocker · 30/06/2014 18:44

I mean nice things together time in addition to one on one time with her dad - because it is important too, of course.

Whereisegg · 30/06/2014 18:45

First of all yanbu to suggest they have some time with just the two of them at all.
Just chat and clear up what is hopefully a misunderstanding.

With regards to you doing all the driving...
What happens if you can't drive at any point during pregnancy, or need a c-section?
Your dp needs an alternative way to see his daughter.

Why are you doing all the cooking?
Does your dp not have any arms?

Please be wary of saying dsd can come as much as he likes when you're on maternity leave.
Again, you don't know how you are going to feel post-birth physically or emotionally.
Just keep things the same as they ever were as much as possible, and when you've been home a few weeks you can suggest you up the visits

diddl · 30/06/2014 18:48

I agree that perhaps he could have her on the third day as you are at work!

And he should be cooking then!

It must be hard for her.

I would imagine the impending baby is a difficult thought for her.

She must be worried about being pushed out.

For time together though, they could perhaps also do something in the house whilst you rest/read upstairs?

awsomer · 30/06/2014 18:48

YANBU

but...

as a step child I found it more valuable to have great 1:1 experiences with my step parent, looking back on it I can see that it really helped me feel safer and happier as part of the family. I knew my parents would always be there for me - that security is there automatically (although it has it's highs and lows when your parents are divorced/separated).

So as well as saying to your dss (and getting your dh to say to her) that is she ever wants more daddy-daughter time all she has to do is ask I think its equally as important that you build up a really good 1:1 bond with her: have girly time together and maybe even bond over the new baby e.g. "as the big sister which one do you think we should buy the baby?" "as the big sister would you like to help feed the baby when it comes?"

She has a lot of relationships to juggle for such a little one!

awsomer · 30/06/2014 18:50

dsd* sorry!

diddl · 30/06/2014 18:50

I would also be wary of upping visits before baby in case they then had to be decreased again post baby!