To think I am doomed to live in this hell forever?

[DroppingIn]

There really seems to be no hope for me.

I suffer from extreme anxiety. My days are a hellish nightmare of 'what if' thoughts. What if one my DC die or get ill and I can't do anything to stop it, what if I go nuts, what if I drop dead, what if DH drops dead, what if I cause someone harm etc.

I have horrific visions of terrible happenings. I am constantly in a state of adrenaline rush and fear tempered with complete exhaustion. Lightheaded, jelly legged, weak and pathetic. Life is passing me by because I'm too afraid to do anything. Even just concentrating on doing a food shop or sorting out the household paperwork is a massive effort for me now.

It is a perpetual hell. I go to bed half expecting never to wake up or for something terrible to happen during the night.

I have lived through 8 fucking long years of this. Spent £000's on therapists, tried drugs that made me feel worse, read all the self help books known to man, considered suicide as my life is just unbearable (can't because of DCs and I keep holding out for a 'cure').

I look perfectly normal on the outside if a bit aloof, no one would guess what crap my mind makes up.

I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I will suffer from this forever. I was a strong, confident woman, all that has gone. I have questioned everything about myself. I don't even have the confidence to look people in the eye any more because I am just 'crazy'.

Please, if anyone has come through this, tell me how you did it.

When is it NOT there?

When you're in the session with your therapist? When you're watching a film? When you're eating dinner?

With generalised anxiety (are you diagnosed with that?) - the goal is to increase the time you spend not suffering - noticing when this is, focusing on that, carrying that thought forward into the next episode.

Have you tried CBT?

I had this. I used to long for the next worry to come along so that I could get rid of the current one. It is hell. I'm so sorry. Sertraline and a lovely CBT therapist helped a lot. I used to be obsessed with going to jail. Sometimes I'd feel better by thinking ' well at least it's not jail' for the other worries. But I'm better able to rationalise it now, though it's always something I have to deal with to some extent.

Sorry you're going through this. What do you think triggered it 8 years ago, or did it seem to be 'out of the blue'? Did it first happen post-natally?

CBT is literally the only thing that semi works for me and my debilitating anxiety and depression. Some aspects of my life continue to be a problem like crying in supermarkets (?!? Fuck knows don't ask) but I spend about an hour a day working through thought record sheets, and working through unhelpful thinking habits. It seems to help me feel semi normal.

Ps sorry you feel this way. It's HARD. you're a hero for making it from one day to the next. Don't forget it xxxx

This helped me. I wouldn't say I'm cured, I still go through periods of agonising anxiety but it's no longer continuous. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's complete he'll.

I don't really know what triggered it tbh but the panic attacks started when we moved abroad 8 years ago. It was supposed to be a new start and I was so excited about it. As soon as we got off the plane I had physical symptoms which I could not understand so thought I was desperately ill (going to have a heart attack or had a brain tumour). It was mainly because of this that we had to come back (I was a wreck but a functioning one I suppose) and were financially ruined because of it. I feel such shame that we have struggling ever since due to me.

I had 12 sessions of CBT which opened up my mind about my childhood abuse but did not offer any relief. I have had a painful past but really, I need to get over it ffs! I have gone from therapist to therapist since that. I can't spend any more money or time going over it.

I need my brain rewired really!

Thank you for the replies.

I have been diagnosed with OCD, PTSD, GAD and just a general pain in the ass by various health professionals!

I will get that book Snake. One I have not read yet.

Just out of interest op, do you drink much coffee, tea or other caffeinated drinks? My anxiety levels (I used to wake up in the mornings feeling sick about whatever I had to do during the day - a bit like stage-fright) have definitely decreased since cutting down.

I don't know if you've already tried these (helpful to me at least) techniques, please ignore if you have.

1. Confining worry to a certain time of day, basically you designate an hour slot for worry, if any worry thoughts arise at other times, you tell yourself you are too busy and defer them until your designated worry time.

1. EFT is a new-ish therapy, it's free and there have been lots of success stories particularly with PTSD, anxiety, phobias etc. Free stress relief download and loads of info with how-to instructions

www.thetappingsolution.com/

1. Mindfulness, it's an ancient technique but now research has proved that it's very beneficial for stress relief etc. Google for details.

1. A Qigong or Yoga teacher can help with stress relief via different breathing techniques.

1. Rescue Remedy, it's not a cure but can take the edge off enough to enable you to get through www.nelsonsnaturalworld.com/en-gb/uk/our-brands/rescue-remedy/our-products/the-original-rescue-remedy

1. When you have a "What if happens?" thought, follow it immediately with a "What if DOESN'T happen? thought.

1. When a panic attack makes you feel as though you are going to die, realise you have felt like that a million times before and not died, therefore it's just a set of symptoms that will pass.

1. Diet - cut out caffeine, colours and chemicals - eat natural, fresh food, exercise and get plenty fresh air and vitamin D.

1. No electronic anything for an hour before bed, use a blackout blind so your body produces the right sleep hormones, practise physical relaxation and more breathing exercises.

There is a solution for you, sometimes it's one thing, sometimes it's a combination of several things, sometimes it takes time to find what's right for you, but you will succeed

Whenever I have a 'what if.....(something horrible)...happens' I force mg brain to follow it with'it probably wont'

I've been diagnosed with all you mention, it's evolved to a diagnosis of anxious personality disorder, which hasn't changed much except I am more aware if it's origins - childhood abuse for me also. I've learned over the years that the anxiety has peaks and troughs, and so when I feel my very worst, I try to rationalise that it's temporary and to find ways to either distract myself from thinking about it too much, or using managed worry times with a worry tree to sort it what I am anxious about, deal with any of the bits I can, and then remember that the irrational worries aren't anything I can control, so try to focus on other stuff, like being kind to myself and distractions that are positive.

I find my medication a big help, sertraline, amitriptyline and clonazepam.

This will seem like nothing compared to what you're going through but I had a year like exactly this when I was at university. I'd had bouts of OCD before then. It had no idea that there was a name to that condition - I thought it was just me and I was going mad so I couldn't tell anyone. At uni it got so back I couldn't do anything at all and was forced to see a therapist.

I wouldn't say the therapy itself helped that much directly although it did help me feel less alone. What did help for me was to almost fight fire with fire - so when the anxiety thought came into my held (which was all the time) I would repeat to myself "no I don't agree with that" and try and force my brain to clear. I had to force myself to let go of the scary thought which was terrifying as I felt that if I held the thought in my "sights" then I could almost keep an eye on it whereas what I was doing in trying to cancel it out was turn my back on it and keep walking away.

I would say I'm broadly ok now and have been for the past 20 years. I've learned to forgive myself the the intrusive thoughts. They don't mean anything other than I'm stressed and upset and the things my brain is choosing is because I care about those things so much.

Finding a mantra and sticking to it was the only thing that worked for me up it hasn't stopped working yet.

Meditation meditation meditation.
Google "what meditation really is" and find a course - or several. Do it as a course, don't try to begin it alone. And very very very very good luck with this. It sounds horrendous. X

Hi there - just wanted to say that I too (and my sister) also suffer from bad anxiety. We both had terrible childhood abuse.

I was also abused as a child. I suffer from chronic vomiting due to anxiety - I'm sick every day. It got to point where I was being admitted to hospital and couldn't keep food down and developing an electrolyte imbalance. Using anti-psychotics off-label for anxiety is the only thing that helps - I'm still sick and don't leave the house on my own - but it is a vast improvement.

Just an idea but have you tried 5-htp ?

I was very similar to you. Prozac has been the answer- I now live normally and happily- you probably just need to find the right antidepressant for you. Also antidepressants can alter your neural pathways so you might not regress when you stop them. You don't have to live like that.