To feel like I've thoroughly messed up my life

[owlborn]

I'm currently off work sick after being hospitalised with bipolar disorder. I've been off work for nearly two months and I've just been told it'll be at least another two weeks, and more likely a month, and when I do go back it'll have to be a slow staggered return to work, so we're talking months before I can be full time again.

My work have been supportive up until now, but I can't help but think they must be running out of patience. No one else does the job I do so I know it's been difficult for them and it's not the kind of job you can get a temp in to do.

I just feel like I've totally messed up my career. It was already a little wobbly (bipolar has meant I have a history of leaving jobs after a year or two years, because I have tended to get manic, take on loads of projects and try to do more than is possible, then crash, decide I can't do anything, and quit because I'm convinced I'm failing and will be sacked. I've done this three times, and got good references, but still left without any good reason which doesn't look good on a CV). This job was meant to be my fresh start - it was a step back in terms of career progression, but it was slightly less stressful, very stable, and a very nice atmosphere. I've always been open about my mental health problems and they've been supportive. And now I've messed that up to, and I suspect getting a new job would be super difficult with my current sick record.

I keep thinking of all the ambition I had when I came out of university and how I've failed to accomplish anything I wanted. Even my dreams of a family are fading, as DH says he wants me to be stable for a year before we start TTC which is time I worry I don't have, as I'm already in my thirties.

I just get so frustrated with myself, and it's worse because I don't know what to do to make it better. I take my meds, I'm super compliant with everything the doctor asks and yet I still ended up in hospital again.

AIBU to think that I have messed up my career and my dreams of a family? Is there any way anyone sees me turning this around somehow?

Poor you. You haven't messed up - you have been struggling with an illness. And despite all the difficulties, you have a job that you like, with supportive colleagues, and a loving DH. Good for you!

I don't know exactly what age you are, but try not to worry about starting a family too much. Fertility drops much less than people think in your late 30s, so you probably still have plenty of time to TTC.

I'm 36 at the moment. DH currently would like, ideally, for my to be stable for two years, but at least a year. So if everything goes perfectly I'd not have another episode for two years (which is possible) and then we'd start TTC when I was 38.

That feels awfully old to me, but I hope you're right. And I hope I can stay out of hospital for a while. I've wibbled about this on the mental health forum, but I do see that DH is right and it's good that he's honest enough to say he can't cope with being my carer and looking after kids alone if I'm in hospital but it's really hard.

It sounds like you've done really well, actually. This is your brain convincing you you've failed. And it's not true at all. You didn't choose to be ill. Bipolar must be horrible to deal with.

I bet your work really value you and just want you well again. Take some deep breaths, have a go listing some of the things you have achieved. I bet it's lots.

How long ago were you diagnosed? It sounds like you have regular manic episodes which, by the sounds of things, are not being recognised early - that is worrying and possibly avoidable. Have you ever worked with a mental health practitioner on recognising what is likely to trigger an episode or how your behaviour changes when you're at the beginning of an episode? It is very likely that there are patterns and if you can learn to spot them it can make a huge difference to how you manage your condition. It doesn't sound like you've messed your life up to me. If it helps, I have a 2:1 from Oxford and I work for minimum wage in a manual job. It sounds like you're actually doing okay.

I was diagnosed two and a half years ago now - most of the leaving jobs etc was prior to diagnosis, which was a long slow process for various reasons. When I was first diagnosed I was seeing the pdoc every six months and my GP every two months and was stable until December when I had a hypomanic episode. It was sort of my fault - my sleep pattern got really disrupted by external factors, and that's my major trigger. It wasn't a bad hypomanic - I didn't do any lasting damage but it did alert the pdoc to the fact that I was undermedicated.

Then I moved to a different part of the country and my treatment kind of fell apart - I'd seen my pdoc weeks before moving and he wanted my meds increased as I was hypomanic at the time, but the letter got lost in the move, so my meds weren't increased and for some reason I've never understood the new CMHT refused my referral. My new GP was unwilling to change my meds to the new dose and once I'd been refused a referral by the CMHT they said all they could do was sign me off for a week at a time which they did for three weeks in January when I was depressed. To be fair, I guess I messed up after that as I rather lost hope and stopped chasing.

Then I got really sick in May and had a full blown manic episode which ended with an admission to hospital (my first admission) which was really scary. That got me into the system here. The letter from my old pdoc also turned up (I don't know how it got misplaced. I think maybe it ended up in a folder at my new GPs and they just didn't think it important as I wasn't chasing). I'm now on the drug regime that was suggested before Christmas and am now with the CMHT and they want me to start therapy to help me manage my condition. So I'm making progress. I guess I just keep fretting that it's too late now to get myself back on track.

I went to Oxford too! Lovely place. I miss it hugely at times.

you sound very low atm - depression is hideous and hopeless; maybe doc for changed meds?

you do seem to be doing ok atually, especially with the illness making everything harder

Oh owlborn you didn't choose to get bipolar, its just one of those hard, awful conditions that people get for no reason.

It sounds to me that you have worked just so hard to force yourself to be mentally well & you need a big cuddle to say well done.

My mum has bipolar and I've grown up seeing the passage of the illness and know (only as an observer) how easy it is for someone to loose their identify and beat themselves up for not 'been normal'. Please don't tear yourself to pieces, each of us no matter how we seem is fighting a battle and I am sure that you contribute a massive amount to your work and personal life.

Look after yourself and as pp have said, try to recognise the triggers and patterns and give yourself that cuddle

DH says I'm low. Maybe he's right. I don't know. I'm not in a full blown depression - I can find pleasure in things, I can look forward to things (like a weekend away) and I'm not suicidal. I am just worrying a lot about jobs, and family, and where the hell we go from here.

I'm having my mood stabilisers increased at the moment, but they aren't at full whack yet. My anti-psychotics have been doubled and I think that's helped. Getting the right drugs for me has proved difficult because of wanting to start a family - my pdoc wants me on drugs that I can stay on through a pregnancy and not have to change everything in a year or so, which limits what I can take.

My DSis says I'm doing very well - I have a job, I have a lovely and amazing DH - but I guess I am maybe finding that hard to see. Maybe it's my brain being unfriendly.

OP you haven't messed up - you are ILL

be kind to yourself x

Listen to the people around you! It really does sound like you're doing well in all the circumstances. You haven't chosen to be ill, or to have hiccups in your treatment. You're at risk of putting yourself under a lot if pressure if you try to have everything on a fixed timetable.

I think it's your brain being unfriendly, as you say. It is shit though and I sympathise. I only have bipolar II and even so it's laid waste to years and years of my life - I was only diagnosed in my mid 20s, when I was halfway through my degree (mature student) and by then I had been profoundly depressed for a very long time. I ended up deferring for three years (!) because I eventually had a complete breakdown.

I'm not trying to be competitive about how badly our plans have been derailed, just trying to emphasise that actually, bipolar or no bipolar, it sounds like you're doing really well. Having a strong, happy relationship is an achievement even if there are no MH issues in the picture, and having a job that you're good at AND enjoy is unusual and impressive!

What drugs are you on? What are your antipsychotics and how tolerable do you find them? I was on lithium and lamotrigine for years, with olanzapine or quetiapine when my mood is very unstable, but I've stopped taking all meds now with my pdoc's knowledge and approal, and I manage it through lifestyle. So far I've been stable for about 18 months but I'd go back on meds if I felt things were getting out of control.

I'm on aripirazole and lamotrigine. I like them as the side effects are minimal but I'm now on one of the higher therapeutic doses and may be changed if these don't work. Hopefully this will not be the case though and I will stabilise.

3 years does sound miserable and I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Hi owlborn.

I identified with so much in your post. I am bipolar, too. Diagnosed 2 years ago, but have always had these issues in retrospect. Like you (and loads of bipolar people - the majority, even) I was a bright young thing, good degree and loads of potential. Bipolar people (as you probably know) tend to be highly creative, dynamic and bright types.

But my illness has also really affected my career trajectory. I have exactly the same pattern - 1-2 yrs in a job, then I get manic and take on too much, I crash and leave. Also always managed to get good references, too, and have winged an OK career (although nothing like what I felt capable of before my illness really started to affect my life). But have just left my most recent job in similar fashion after a year. It was less high stress, term time only, but still full-time.

I have now decided that I HAVE to take my mental health more seriously and that means I am only looking for part-time work. Although I am the most dynamic, productive worker in the world when normal / manic, when depression hits, I cant function at all so I now have no choice but to look at ways of reducing stress in my life and eliminating triggers - and full time work is one of them.

I am also looking at getting some kind of freelance work linger term, so that I can set my own hours to some degree. I don't cope well in very structured working environments long term. The stress builds up and I feel like. I am going to explode. I don't know if that could be a possibility for you?

I have no advice re/: children. You're in a very difficult position. The birth of first child triggered a massive depressive episode, but after my second child I had the longest run of stability and calm I have ever had - so the jury's out on whether it would be a bad idea.

I just wanted you to know, you are not alone. I don't know if you ever go on the forums at bipolaruk.org.uk, but I find it a relief to talk to others who know exactly how I feel x

I have been bipolar all my adult life, but only diagnosed half way through it. I believe you have the 2 things that really make a difference; diagnosis, and a DH that let's you know how he thinks you are. Those 2 things have changed my life, perhaps if you really think things through, you can lead the life you want.

BTW, I was admitted to a psychiatric Ward, my work mates and boss visited me while I was in (very brave I think), and I was promoted less than a year after being back at work full time. So, don't underestimate your colleagues' capacity to understand, and stick with it! After you have weathered this, there is nothing you can't do!

I've suffered with MH all my life since I was a teenager. I've learned to accept my difference and work to the level that suits my needs - and not necessarily what society expects from me. I haven't worked since I became a parent at age 20 and I now manage on ESA and DLA, which allows me a decent lifestyle along with DH's salary. It would be too much for me to manage the demands of parenting, deal with my own illness and to work as well - which some people might look negatively upon, but I care far less about what they think these days. Sometimes DH does have to be a carer to me, DS and be the breadwinner as well, which is hard for him, but that is what anyone has to expect when they're in a committed marriage really.

I don't know a huge amount about bi-polar, but I do know that you haven't 'messed up' anything, any more than someone who has a heart attack and needs time off work to recover, or someone who takes time off for an operation. You have a condition which affects your work, as do many people in this country, and all you can do is work with the HCPs to manage your condition, like you would with diabetes or epilepsy. I would guess that your work are being nice and accommodating because they obviously value you as a member of the team and appreciate your contribution. You don't need a new job, you need to get well enough to return to a job that you are obviously very good at, and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to make sure that happens. That's admirable and something you should be proud of.

Zombie thread!