thinking that cancer won't fix everything

[Jenni2legs]

My sister called this morning and told me my estranged dad has cancer and I don't know what to do. I cut him out of my life because he was physically and emotional abusive when I was a kid and as an adult being around him just made me feel bad about myself.
Now I don't know if I should send a card or flowers or stick to my guns and stay away from him...?
AIBU to not get in touch?

YANBU at all

Big shock - how are you feeling? What is your gut telling you?

This happened to me. It was worse for my eldest sister as he had sexually abused her. He was an alcoholic. In the end we all went to see him and went to the funeral too but it's a very personal choice that only you can make. It's ok to not want to.

Yes YABU!

My horrible toxic father died recently from a heart attack. I hadn't seen him for a while since a particularly nasty fall-out.

I don't wish he was still alive, but I would've liked to say goodbye.

No of course you're not being unreasonable not to get in touch. Not at all.

i don't think you are unreasonable at all. if someone has treated you badly them dying doesn't erase that or make them a better person. its a very personal decision and based on what you feel is best for you.

YANBU and quite frankly it isn't for anyone to say you are. Your life, your dad, your decision. Talk through both scenarios in your head and see what decision you come too. Think about how you felt when people have said you should see him. Did you feel relieved or defensive?

It's a vey personal choice. Some people would benefit from some kind of closure and others wouldn't. You've just got to do what's right for you.

YANBU at all, I will have a similar situation at some point, a truely awful childhood, I am nc with my mother and she is getting very old and frail now. I still have to live with the consequences of the life she gave me every single day, her being ill won't erase that for me, there is nothing I want to say to her, so all going to see her would achieve is that she would feel better about everything and history would be rewritten in her head.

It's a choice only you can make, but make it on your own feelings and what, if anything, you would get out of it.

I'm so sorry that you are in this shitty situation, it really isn't easy

yanbu echo what mommy2ash said .

YANBU. My birth father died a bit ago due to lung cancer. He subjected me/my brother to a horrible early childhood in my case (I was in care) and my brother had his whole childhood spent living with a physically, sexually and emotionally abusing arsehole. Disease does not only go for good people. He was an alcoholic, ex heroin addict who drifted through women and was in court more than anyone else I know. Lung cancer did not erase that and it didn't magic him good or magic away any pain or horrible memories.

YANBU. As PPs have said, do what feels right for you. I've been in this situation, and it's really tough.

YANBU Cancer happens to assholes just as much as it happens to good people. Dying doesn't suddenly make them good people, it just means that their journey in life is coming to an end.

But, it might help to give you closure.

If you go, go for you. Cancer isn't going to make your father suddenly want to fix things.

Ask yourself this.

Would you, at any point, have made contact in the near future if he had not been diagnosed with cancer?

If yes, then make contact. If no, and you are happy with that decision then don't. Just because someone becomes seriously ill doesn't mean they will start being decent if they previously weren't.

Squiggly squid has it - if you go, go for you.

My mum was NC with her mother after I was born, long story but she cut contact for my sake.

Then about 3 years ago when I was late 40's she found out her mother was dying. We talked, she decided to go and got closure. It could do easily have been the opposite. As it is, mum I'd more at peace than she's ever been, like she's stopped running maybe?

If you do go,then go only because you think it might benefit you, not for him and certainly not because of the opinions of anyone else.