Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people can't just be nice and supportive?

11 replies

saresywaresy2 · 26/06/2014 12:54

Having hellisih time at the moment, my other half looks like he has got non-hodgkins lymphoma, and the diagnosis is taking forever and ever.
The thing i'm fuming about is other people. I think i hate everyone at the moment,
have got one friend avoiding me altogether, one of my dh's who came round to see him and then didn't mention it all night, one who has been ncie and supportive but has told half of town, and then someone i rely on a lot this morning stopped and told me of everyone she knows ever who has died from the same sort of cancer...
What's wrong with people?? All I want is for people to sympathise and listen and tell us positive things. That's can be too hard can it?? Have we just got awful friends???

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 26/06/2014 13:06

I'm so sorry you're going through all this

I think sometimes it's not that people are awful (well, maybe the ones who disappear) but people don't have experience with this and don't know what to say and it just gets all awkward. I think this is why there are so many support groups for various illnesses, because it's hard to find everyday people who can be helpful.

It must feel very lonely though and YANBU. I hope you find some more supportive people soon.

mumaa · 26/06/2014 13:07

Firstly, so sorry to hear your husband may have this Thanks

I think more often than not people don't know what to say or how to react, which in itself annoys me... just put yourself in that persons shoes and think, how would you like people to behave towards you.

It isn't difficult to ask how you both are and just lend an ear. In all honestly I don't think anyone is probably trying to upset you, I imagine they are just not very good at dealing with such possible sad news.

So sorry you are having to go through this, aside from the above, how are you feeling, when are you likely to get a diagnosis?

mommy2ash · 26/06/2014 13:08

no you don,t have awful friends. its a difficult time for you and often people just don't know what to say. there is no right thing to say, you might want positive thoughts other people hate that sort of thing. maybe his friend didn't bring it up as he was trying to take his mind off it.

SarcyMare · 26/06/2014 13:14

" just put yourself in that persons shoes and think, how would you like people to behave towards you. "

this is an impossible request, every single person i know would want something different.
I would want to chat about other trivial stuff , if i ignore problems they don't exist so i would want to talk about telly, the weather, video games etc. but this is exactly the sort of behaviour the OP doesn't want.

So yes it IS that hard.

cricketpitch · 26/06/2014 14:40

Sorry to hear this OP - it must be very difficult to deal with but people can only do what they think is best.

When my dad was dying my Mum said that she hated everyone calling to ask how he was and offering help all the time - she was so distressed having to keep talking about it - yet she wanted everyone to know - and wanted us all to make sure friends and family knew, ( ie "tell the whole town". )

My best friend however who has just recovered from cancer made it central to everything. We all talked about it, helped with practical things, joked about it, cried with her - that was her way of handling it.

When I was ill I told no-one until I had got my own head around it. Couldn't bear any help or sympathy - just wanted to get on with things. I am fine now. People are all different and have to be guided a bit by you.

Wishing you all the best for this.

SquigglySquid · 26/06/2014 17:59

I think more often than not people don't know what to say or how to react, which in itself annoys me... just put yourself in that persons shoes and think, how would you like people to behave towards you

But the problem is you don't understand something like that until you experience it. That's where all the annoying "It'll be ok in the end, and if it's not ok it's not the end" phrases come from.

Or in my case, I'd rather be distracted, so if someone is going through a rough time I'll take them out to get their mind off it for a bit and probably not bring it up so they could enjoy the evening better.

So treat how you want to be treated doesn't always work since different people cope differently. The best thing you can do is say "I really need X" so your friends know how to help instead of sitting around feeling useless.

Whocares156 · 26/06/2014 18:25

They have have issues going on themselves so have no more left to give

I have been in this situation, unable to support a friend because I was already at breaking point. I was coping with a situation by myself and had not confided in anybody

PumpkinPie2013 · 26/06/2014 18:43

So sorry you and your DH are going through this.

I have had 3 family members with cancer and it is hideous.

I think a lot of the time people just don't know what to do/say.

Can you get in touch with Macmillan? I've found them to be very supportive in practical terms and as a listening ear.

I wish you and your DH all the very best x

Tangerinefairy · 26/06/2014 18:50

I'm so sorry you are going through this, what a stressful time it must be for you both. I'm afraid that illness does bring out some strange behaviours in others because we all react to it in different ways and we all want different sorts of support from others.

I think your anger at everyone is entirely understandable but you may look back in a while and realise that your anger was a bit misdirected. I was LIVID with the world when I was seriously ill, absolutely LIVID. I think that clouded my judgement of other things. I may be wrong but just looking back, now that I am so much better I see that I was in a scarey stressful situation myself and I just felt so terrified and out of control.

Anyway, YANBU at all and I totally understand why you feel like this but it really is so, so hard to know how to be around someone when they are coping with something like this. Some of the people who have responded oddly might have gone home and cringed at their response to you! In any case, I wish your DH and yourself all the very best.

Tangerinefairy · 26/06/2014 18:56

I was also livid at the entire medical profession. Just basically bloody angry for 18 whole months!

Wishfulmakeupping · 26/06/2014 18:57

I'm really sorry to head about your DH OP it must be an incredibly hard time for you both. Unfortunately when you go through a horribly stressful time you tend to realise what a let down people are. I went through a very difficult time a few years back I was quite open about my journey with friends/family and collegues as it was affected me so much (basically had a break down with the stress of my health problems) and I felt so let down by a lots of people's reactions. I'm still feeling let down now but I've had to draw a line under it and think its a real shame that people don't know how to be supportive - mainly for my own sanity and To avoid becoming totally bitter.
What I'm trying to say is people just don't know what to do and I think for the most part they decide to do nothing- which is so frustrating and doesn't help you right now but take comfort in the fact that it's not just your friends its people in general for the most part- but I'm hoping that your friends do become more supportive and can help x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page