AIBU to be fuming or should I just ignore?

[Lucyccfc]

Long story, but will try to keep it as brief as I can.

I was abused by my brother when I was a child and he also abused his own daughter. Anyway, my Mother knows about it as it all came out about 12-18 months ago. She decided that she still wanted to have a relationship with him, which was fine by me, as long as he stayed away from me, my house and my DS.

My parents used to child mind for me (I paid them the going rate for a childminder), but last October I found out they were planning to have my brother to stay for a week at their house and not tell me. They didn't see what my issue was with not wanting my DS anywhere near a child abuser. Anyway, been NC with them ever since and felt that I could not trust them to child mind anymore. I felt they were putting my brothers needs above that of my DS. My DS still see's them once or twice a week, but never if my brother is at their house (which is quite rare). I would prefer for my DS not to see them at all, but it is unfair on him, as he loves them very much and is too young to really understand everything at the moment.

I am away with work next week for a few nights and had arranged for my friend to look after DS, but he really wanted to stay with my parents. My Dad was really pleased and wants to do the school run and take him to football training etc.

I had to go and speak to them tonight to talk through the arrangements for next week. I kept things brief, but polite.

The thing I am fuming over is my Mum saying to me 'Are you going to give us any money for looking after DS?' I just laughed and brought DS home.

She is f@&king lucky to be allowed to see him at all, after the stunt she pulled last October, never mind being paid to look after her own Grandson.

Last year she would goad me constantly about my brother and make snide comments - it felt like she was constantly having a go at me, to make herself feel better about what my brother had done.

Since coming home, I am really feeling angry about the whole situation. I seriously do not want my DS involved with such a toxic, nasty cow, but he loves his Nanna and Grandad - it's such a shit situation.

Maybe by tomorrow I will have calmed down and moved on, but now I just want to phone her up and tell her how lucky she is that I even allow her to see DS.

AIBU?

I can see why you are so angry, i would be fuming.
Tbh i would say that as they seem unable to understand or appreciate your reasons for keeping your son away from your brother and the fact they were going to go behind your back and let him be in their house with your child then, perhaps it is best if they wish to have contact with your son then it has to be at your house?

i would also make it clear that if my brother did anything to my son i would press charges.
And if it happened while his grandparents were looking after him i would hold them responsible

I would go NC and tell DS they've died/emigrated/gone to prison.

How old is DS?

He may love them, but are you 100% sure you want him to be around people like that? What good comes from this relationship with people you are virtually NC? People like that don't change, crap and damaging parents invariably become crap and damaging grandparents.

My DDs only see their parental grandparents, I do not wish them to be involved with my parents, as they are fucking horrible people. I dearly wish I'd had the balls to go NC decades ago, so that they never knew them.

Think long and hard about what the future may hold.

Have you pressed charges against your brother?

Has his daughter pressed charges?

YANBU, please get your friend to mind your son. You'll come up with some excuse as to why nan & granddad can't do it anymore.

YANBU. Have you and your niece pressed charges against him? That might send a loud and clear message to your parents. And I agree - I certainly wouldn't let them have contact with your DS unless it's at your house.

Good luck

They are not welcome in my house.

They are very clear on the issue of my DS never coming into contact with my brother. We have moved on from that now and fully understand if it ever happened, they would not be seeing DS again.

I was fuming over the fact that my Mother expected me to pay them to look after DS next week. She just doesn't seem to comprehend that she is lucky to be seeing DS at all, never mind being paid to do it.

Your DS loving his grandparents is not, imo, reaon enough to continue contact with such damaging people

We have never pressed charges. The thought of walking into a police station and talking about it makes me feel sick.

I don't see my Neice. My SIL blames the whole family for what my brother did and won't have anything to do with any of us. I did write to her, but she didn't want to know.

I would love to be able to tell my DS that my parents are dead/emigrated, but they live on the next street.

After next week, regardless of what DS wants, he will not be staying there again. I'll be glad to go back to NC - it's so less stressful.

Your ds may love them now, but why do you believe they will not treat him with the disrespect and toxic attitude which they have for you?

I try to keep my kids around people I would like them to be like when they grow up. I supervise all visits with those who I feel they may need protected from, including most of their grandparents sadly.

If your friend can have him then please let her. Explain to ds that nan and grandad are really busy and tired ATM and he will see them soon. Or tell them you've fallen out with them if you want to, don't need to explains why. Then explain to your parents that you are concerned for your ds safety and well being in their care, and are certainly not going to pay to feel that way when you are out of town.

I'd be very concerned what they say about you in from of him, it can be very insidious. How old is DS?

I went NC with my mum a year ago. At first I was reluctant to stop her seeing the children as she was a good gran and they loved her. But the more I thought about her and her behaviour and the more distance I put between myself and her I could see how manipulative her behaviour was. Especially towards the DC. I stopped all contact and my kids really don't miss her all that much. It sounds like your DS is still quite young? Mine were 10 and 6 when I stopped contact. The younger your DS the less of an impact it will have on him.

I'm sorry for what your brother did to you. What you say about the comments your parents have made in regards to the abuse makes me think they don't take it seriously. And if they don't take it seriously they probably won't keep your brother away from your DS as they will see you as being silly in your concerns.

She is greedy & grabby to expect to be paid to mind her grandson.

My in laws have ds quite a lot & never ever would expect payment.

There's clearly a lot of difficulty here, but as you're focussing on your mum asking if you will be paying, then I will too.

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask considering you used to pay them. She asked, not demanded, and she's going off the previous arrangement where a precedent had already been set.

This isn't just babysitting for the night while you go out, they are having your son for a number of days while you work. I'd be surprised you didn't offer to pay for the extra expenses they will occur tbh. I certainly would if I was asking my mum to look after my dc for more than a night, and as this is what your ds wants, it is effectively you asking them to have him.

OP, they will love him and be sweet to him when he's little and cute. When he gets older, do you reckon they'll treat him much better than they have treated you?

Have you considered that going to the police could be a good thing for your niece? Could you do it for her and your son and not for yourself?

When she is older she wont go through "Why me?" because she will realise that it wasnt her that was the problem but your brother, that he preyed on you too because you were a young girl he had access to. It could also build bridges with your SIL and mean that your DN could have someone she can talk to who understands.

And as for your parents, cut them off. Your DS loves them, well you loved them and they didnt protect you did they? Your mother still goads you now about what he did.

Tell them that Granny and Grandad are busy, on holiday, whatever excuse you can think of and eventually he will forget them. Please do keep him away from them.

Reading this, I would volunteer to mind your son rather than him being in that environment. You are doing nothing wrong and if they can't see that you have no option than to go NC