Friend with different parenting style?

[Anonynony]

I've recently reconnected with an old friend and we have been spending loads of time together with our kids aged 3 and 4. The kids get on amazingly and so do we so it's such a brilliant scenario but I'm having trouble trying to stick to my own parenting style while spending so much time with someone with such a different style, I'll give examples but please please don't mistake anything I say for judgment because it's honestly not, just not how I choose to parent or would work for myself and DD.

Her son is allowed to drink gallons of coke whereas my DD has never had a fizzy drink and is fine with that as what she doesn't know etc but she is starting to wonder what the big deal is and why when we eat out she gets milk for example which she previously loved and he gets something that's starting to seem like a "treat". My friend will buy her son anything and everything to appease him if he's not in good form and this is something I'm feeling a bit mean about because I'm just not a big "toy buyer" for no reason,DD honestly doesn't even play with her own toys, just her scooter and bike etc but she's starting to wonder why all our lovely day trips, lunches out etc, end up with her little friend getting bought plenty of toys and her getting feck all (I just can't justify bringing such rubbish into my house for no reason, we have an amazing time together, these little bits and pieces are honestly wasted in our house to gather dust)

Is there any way of me explaining to DD that different families have different ways of doing things or something?

The dynamic is excellent and I'm honestly not judging but I couldn't get away with letting DD have everything that this (absolutely wonderful) little boy does.

My closest friend has a parenting style directly opposite to me. The kids just accept it, it is no big deal.

and your aibu is?

All you say is "different people do things differently" and then distract her with the prospect of something she enjoys.

There might be some whiny times along the way. But that can happen at any age when DC tumble to the fact that other people have different stuff and they covet some if it. But any approach, other than breezy acceptance of differences and distraction, will lead to problems in the longer run. And as DD will meet mre and more different people over the years, the longer run is what matters here.

Anon you should stick to your guns. Your parenting style is right. Believe me, I am a primary teacher. My life is made hell by kids whose parents spoil them with too many toys/feed their kids shite. Keep doing what you are doing. Spoilt children turn into hideous pupils. Definitely explain to your child that different families do things differently and they will accept it.

(I'm not sure what the AIBU bit is either)

Sorry I think my AIBU is to follow my own "rules" even when we're out with these two. I don't think I'd enjoy our time together as much if I felt I was straying from what I feel is right for my DD though but I can't help feel like it's becoming glaringly obvious to her that she's always the one who comes out with the short straw.

My stock phrase is always "different houses/people/parents have different rules" and leave it at that. I think it's a good thing for kids to be exposed to different parenting styles.

Is your DD the 3yr old or 4yr old?

My DD is 3.

I don't really want to use her being younger as an excuse though because I probably won't allow fizzy drinks or lots of new toys at 4 either feeling a little bit mean to be honest (about the toys, not fizzy drinks)

No I was only asking because it would probably be easier to explain to a 4yr old that all families are different.

Still you're going to have to stick to your guns (if that's how you're choosing to parent) and she'll understand eventually.

Everyone goes through this because we're all different

When she starts school, this will be an issue that's raised time and again.

I don't think this need be a big deal. It's rare that two families parent their kids in the same way. The most important thing is to stick to your own ways consistantly. Feeling 'mean' for not giving in to your DD is par for the course for being a parent

I've never bought my kids toys from gift shops at museums and similar places even though lots of my friends would always buy their kids something. It was never a problem, my kids understood that I thought gift shops were overpriced -- they knew the score.

In one way it is good as she is bound to encounter more and more of this type of differences as she gets older. You can talk to her about why you dont drink fizzy drinks and buy lots of toys. Maybe you could think of a reason that will sound fair to her, eg I have to save up for your birthday.

I think having a friend with a different parenting style s tricky in terms of peer pressure when your DC grow up together but at least you go home at the end of the day to your house your rules. MY DH and I have opposite parenting styles, now that is tricky!

I always tell mine that I'm not X's mummy, I'm their mummy. X's mummy makes the rules for him/her and I make the rules for my children.

That way they don't get a message of 'better' or 'worse' rules. Just different.

You may not be judging but I am! She's going to end up with one spoilt child on her hands

Believe it or not, he is a really really lovely little boy.

I do see the downside though personally as he often ends up having a huge meltdown if he can't have something he wants for whatever reason or maybe just a big sugar crash. Though my little one can be as bad on occasion when we have to leave somewhere etc so I don't know really.

No biggie.I just say 'different parents, different rules' .

It happens all the time. Children are very accepting and you don't gave to explain or justify- just 'different parents have different rules' is enough.

Have not gave.

I have a dear friend who parents in this way. There were tricky times when our eldest were little, but they are 10 now, and they just get on with things. I think mine are more able to see now that there are swings and roundabouts. Hers get more stuff but my friend also smacks, and her kids have horrible physical fights, which mine don't.

Shrug, you just tell her that different parents do different parenting.

It will come up all the time, pretty much forever - not just parenting but every aspect of life.

That is how the world works.