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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL advice please

15 replies

Arya14 · 25/06/2014 07:27

It's same old situation too be honest - bought a house 11months ago, planning a wedding for early next year... MIL phones on a daily basis and expects OH to phone every day. If he doesn't she has a go. Expects to know every detail of our lives and then calls in unannounced as she knows when we're in etc. Interferes with the wedding planning. Nothing alone seems that bad but add it all up and it's wearing. OH is torn. AIBU to ask for contact to gradually be limited to phone call every other day and a visit say, once per week on average? Really hate saying it but worried that when we have kids especially it might come between us.

OP posts:
dollius · 25/06/2014 07:43

Well, until DP gets himself "untorn" I would not be marrying this man.

You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of distress and arguments over his inability to sever the apron strings.

Either that, or move to New Zealand?

Birdsgottafly · 25/06/2014 07:52

You set your boundaries, but your OH has the right to set his.

I speak to my adult DD's, daily, especially now one is getting married and one is pregnant.

I'm not interfering in the wedding, though, I'm giving an opinion, when asked, but tbh, I think I have been influenced by MN (I may have bordered on interfering before I joined here).

Pick out, what bothers you, her contacting him isn't something you should have an opinion on, but likewise he should respect your privacy and not over share your business.

He can however discuss anything which affects him with who he likes, which my DD's have made clear to their DP's.

You don't have to hear about her opinion, though, he perhaps should be keeping some of what she is saying to himself.

Hakluyt · 25/06/2014 07:56

Depends. What does Dp was to do?

Dutch1e · 25/06/2014 07:58

Never marry a man in a committed relationship with another woman.

bloodyteenagers · 25/06/2014 08:00

He can talk to who he wants to. He might enjoy talking to her every day. Some are close with their parents/children. If he doesn't want to talk to her, then he has to deal with this.
I would not however commit to a weekly or any other regular visit. Imagine for the next 20 years, giving up a day. When you both want to do something else on that day, you cannot because of the commitment.
The over sharing, yes talk to him about it, and tell him under no circumstances do you want him telling her everything about your life. You have the right to privacy.
This all needs sorting before the wedding, and until sorted I wouldn't marry him.

JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 25/06/2014 08:02

What does DP think about her calling every day? Its his mum after all so kind of up to him!

Delphiniumsblue · 25/06/2014 08:04

Unless he is prepared to stand up to his mother and put in some boundaries I wouldn't marry him.
I always stand up for MILs because I think they get a hard deal on MN but this one has never cut the apron strings and he hasn't done anything about it.
You need to sort things out first as in:

  1. She is part of the family and you will treat her as such and include her.
  2. If you want advice on the wedding plans you will ask her.
  3. She needs to phone before dropping in to see if it is convenient - and it may not be.
  4. The daily phone call is unnecessary.
  5. He doesn't need to tell her everything.

If he can't sort this out you have to decide whether you can stand a lifetime of it.

Doingakatereddy · 25/06/2014 08:06

Deal with this now or when you have children it will get ten times worse

Hakluyt · 25/06/2014 08:09

"Never marry a man in a committed relationship with another woman."

No. You want the sort of man who is prepared to dump his mother and probably his sisters too the minute he gets married. You don't want him having important relationships with anyone but his wife, after all. Every fibre of his being should be devoted to what I am sure will be called "his new little family"

diddl · 25/06/2014 08:12

" MIL phones on a daily basis and expects OH to phone every day."

So they speak to each other twice a day?

That's nice!

Does it impact on you though, OP?

And if his mum has a go, that's for him to sort out.

And if he moans at you OP, tell him to stand up to his mum, not take it out on you!

As for the popping in unannounced, it's your home too OP, & I think that you can say you'd rather she didn't.

And she might expect to know stuff, but no one has to tell her!

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 25/06/2014 08:13

Never marry a man in a committed relationship with another woman

^^^ this.

I speak to my dd1 every day on email or text. Just a quick 'hi, you ok?'

This needs to be sorted out ASAP as when a baby is thrown in to the mix, boundaries can cause conflict. It caused many arguments in this house as mil tried to take over dd2.

It's really up to him if he wants to call every day, if he actually doesn't then he shouldn't have to. When she has a go he needs to grow a pair of balls.

Regarding the unannounced visits - I had this problem when dp wasn't in. Mil would come daily, then started bringing her friends or even meeting them here fir a cup of tea! I just started going out when I thought she was due or loving the door or basically ignoring her when she got here. We did have many chats about bringing her friends here. She didn't like it, but stopped.

God I could be here all day talking about he crap mil put me through, especially when pregnant as she feel out of control and left out.

Set your stall out now and save your self the head ache further on.

Delphiniumsblue · 25/06/2014 08:14

You want a man who has a normal, functional, loving relationship with his family. You don't want one still controlled by his mother who won't let go.
If you live close and have children she will be a nightmare if he hasn't done what he should have started doing when still a child.
You give them roots and give them wings- she has made sure his wings are clipped!
Has she got other children and if so how do they deal with her?

LadyCybilCrawley · 25/06/2014 08:20

Don't think there is anything wrong with being close to a parent so I don't think talking everyday is an issue as long as it's not about personal matters effecting you .... This is where the line blurs

To the poster saying "it's just my opinion".... my MIL says this but really it's code for her to hide behind and say whatever she wants no matter how hurtful or inappropriate .... Whatever we say is " our opinion" ... Sometime we need to keep it to ourselves

Dutch1e · 25/06/2014 08:20

Hakluyt my SO is very close to his family and I genuinely love my MIL. We live 5 minutes from them and are an active part in each other's lives.

I come from a background where healthy closeness was the cover story for unhealthy intrusiveness that resulted in NC. It's difficult to see the difference if you come from a basically loving family. Still, it's a red flag if your fiance feels 'torn' and unwilling to put a stop to anything that makes you feel crowded and uncomfortable.

Delphiniumsblue · 25/06/2014 08:25

He has a dysfunctional relationship- there is not a lot you can do if he and his mother don't think it is dysfunctional.

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