To want to stop trying with 'friends'

[Wishfulmakeupping]

Feel like its always me organising meeting up and going out. This isn't just 1 groups of friends but several people. I honestly think if I didn't arrange it we just wouldn't meet up so should I just not bother ?

I'm like that, or was. In 2013 one of my resolutions was to stop being the organiser and let people come to me. As a result there's people who I thought were good friends that I haven't seen since. I don't regret doing it though, and I wouldn't say I miss them. It makes me appreciate the people who do keep in touch.

Depends, I am more often the "organiser" for a meet ups with a particular group of friends but they are not flaky, they turn up and we have a great time so it doesn't bother me. If they were unreliable, late or I generally felt I was giving a lot more to the friendship than I got it would be different. Which situation applies to the friends you are posting about?

We always have fun but I'm 99% sure that if I didn't organise getting together it would not happen. I'm not sure if I should bother

If you enjoy it, keep doing it. Im an organiser too.

It's convenient for your friends if someone takes on the role of organiser, and I don't think it necessarily reflects on how much - or little - they value your friendship. The sensible thing to do would be to announce at your next meet-up that you're stepping down from the post of Organiser, and suggest they take a turn at it. If you don't tell them what you're doing they'll all be waiting for your input whilst you seethe!

I stepped down from the role of organiser last year after a dinner for 14 people turned into a dinner for 4 when everyone else cancelled on the day, and I ended up having to pay the full deposit of £10 per head myself (long story)

It was very freeing! And I thoroughly enjoy going on nights out that someone else has organised now

I'm guilty of being the one that never organises anything. If it's 2 or 3 people then I do instigate coffee etc. otherwise I don't because of a little lack of self confidence. I don't know if it's a fear of being let down or responsible for people having a good time. It's not good to overthink things is it?! Anyway you go with your gut instinct.

If you're doing it because you're genuinely not bothered if you never see these people again, then yeah, just stop organising.

But some people naturally take the role of organiser in the group. If you don't want to do it any more but you do still want to see them, tell them you're fed up and someone else needs to have a turn.

What you shouldn't do is set a 'test' for your friends that they know nothing about and then silently seethe when they don't pass it.

Furrymuff's example is exactly, erm an example!

I know I'm the organizer in many of my friendships, not all, and some friends are quite good at calling or initiating things, but others never would. One hates using the telephone, but will text, another has no self-confidence and imagines people won't want to hear from her, another is just a bit passive in all areas of their life but loves to meet up. I could drop all these friends and only go out with people who love calling others and have the self-confidence to do this, but that would be my loss as some of my loveliest friends are not that great at propelling friendships forward but are always glad to see me or make time for me to stay or travel for miles to visit but wouldn't necessarily initiate that.

I guess it depends if they are friends of convenience which I might not bother with or perhaps better friendships and worth keeping even if you do get a bit fed up with always calling first. I may call first but my good friends always call back- if there was genuine imbalance in keenness to meet up, I would be more worried.

Thenapoleonofacrime, poignant post. So true.

Sugar not poignant but articulating everything I was feeling.

I gave up with a few friends because of this. I guess I wanted to see if they would ever bother. They didn't! So I see more of the people that do.

That's interesting food for thought. I suppose what I'm not getting across very well is that this is several individuals I meet up with rather than me organising a meet up for a group of us.
It's more a case of I'll meet a friend for lunch or whatever we'll have a nice time then I'll sat 'let me know what your free' which is left open until the next time I actually say can you do x date. So it feels almost like I'm pestering people Iyswim? Sorry not sure I'm wording this well

This was before texting and email so much easier to lose touch.

I love my friends but I am utter shit at organizing things.

I'm getting myself into such a lather, apologies Then, it was poignant but then realised the negative connotations of the term! What I meant was you hit it it on the head. Will sign off now and wait till prize giving is over. Aaahhhh!

I feel like this too sometimes. But it seems that most of the time people are genuinely pleased to hear from me to meet up and will agree to do so without excuses etc. Occasionally I come across someone who won't and will constantly not return messages etc; it is at that point I give up; but will be pleased to hear from them if they get in touch.

I feel like I am pestering sometimes too, especially as sometimes when I am not feeling great about myself I convince myself that everyone hates me......but I am slowly developing a thicker skin!

I used to feel like this. Then someone taught me to see that this is my skill - to plan, to organise, to put people together and sit and enjoy seeing them. Once I stopped counting how many times I've organised x or y I've been a lot happier. People are often rubbish at planning - but many of those people have been there for me when I really needed them. We all give toour friendships in different ways.

I had a strategy recommended to me as I used to do this. It's called the 'one shot rule'. Basically, you play one shot (phone them up, invite them out etc) and wait for the other person to reciprocate. If they never reciprocate, they are out of your life. If they do then you can play your shot again, either now or later, and they stay in your life.

I was really scared I'd lose all my friends doing this, but I was unhappy being the organiser so it was worth a try. I did lose two people who I thought were good friends - clearly they weren't that bothered. But several of my other friends did reciprocate and it's now much more balanced and I don't feel like I'm the one doing all the running. Also I have made new friendships where it is more balanced and equal as I've not taken on that role as organiser from the start.
Try it, it worked for me!

Some people are 'do-ers' and some are 'followers'. You sound like a lovely person, and I'm sure all your friends are glad you're organising things, so you can all have a lovely time catching-up etc. I know that doesn't help really

I have a friend like this, she organizes everything or no one else would........or so she keeps telling me (even though i have organised numerous things )
Its more a case of shes always has to be doing something so as soon as one event is over shes on to the next so it doesn't give anyone else the chance to arrange something. If we try to say no let us or no we are busy then she gets the hump.

Some people do fall in to the organizer role and others let them get on with it.