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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be ready to scream at cats?

52 replies

wadingthroughtreacleuphill · 24/06/2014 18:02

I moved in with DP over a month ago. I have two cats. I fully expected some teething problems but this is ridiculous.

Cats are petrified of DP. They hide, dash upstairs like a fire is on their heels as soon as they hear his voice. They aren't eating properly as a result - they won't come down when he's here. They won't come inside if they are out and he's in.

It's a non problem I'm sure, but it is driving me mad.

Any advice? We've tried Feliway but it hasn't made a difference.

OP posts:
LikeTheShoes · 24/06/2014 23:34

get him to give them dreamies, our cats would cuddle up with a dragon for dreamies.

MandarinCheesecake · 24/06/2014 23:39

It sounds like they have a fear of people they don't know and trust but your dp forcing unwanted attention and unintentionally hurting then is something they wont forget in a hurry.

One of my cats has an aversion to any male wearing a hi-vis and work boots. He will automatically cower and bolt as soon as he see's them.

When dh needed this get up for his work, he had to take them off before the cat would be in the same room as him. We do think something happened with one of the builders (housing estate being built) not long after we moved in. Been here 7 years now and the reaction is still the same.
So whatever happened is being remembered by my cat so therefore he avoids any male wearing the work gear.

You really need to go back to the beginning and start from scratch to get them used to the house first. Put dp to one side for now.
As hard as it is they need a safe room as they are feeling threatened and unsettled. Provide everything they need in there including somewhere to hide out.
Only feed them in the room, go in several times throughout the day and just spend time quietly talking to them or just sit reading a book.
Don't make any sudden movements and don't approach them, let them come to you in their own time.

It may take some time to gain their trust again but Its almost like taming a feral cat. Time and patience is needed.

When you think they have gained your trust and some confidence you can slowly start to introduce them to the rest of the house one room at a time.
If they show an interest in exploring the rest of the house let them go in their own time and if your dp is in the room tell him to sit on the floor/sofa and not make a sound or eye contact. If he has to move then move slowly.
He mustn't approach them or make any sudden movement/noise or you will be back to square one.
They need to learn that he wont hurt them. It will take time but it is do-able.

crazynanna · 24/06/2014 23:40

My DS visits me 2/3 times a week, and DS drove me to get my 8 week old girl when I got her. She now has learned to just about sit in the same room as him...nearly 3 years it has took her.

Appletini · 24/06/2014 23:47

I don't get it. Did you not introduce them to your DP before he moved in?

Original poster
wadingthroughtreacleuphill · 24/06/2014 23:48

We'll, they do have a safe room but it's awfully difficult as it's upstairs. The stairs are in the lounge, so if DP is in the lounge or the kitchen, which is reasonable enough, can't confine the poor bloke to a bedroom all evening Grin the cats are either 'trapped' up there, or they won't go up as they'd have to go past DP. Sending DP out temporarily doesn't work, either.

Dp was an idiot with them, but he didn't mean any harm. He's like a big daft kid at times and despite me saying they wouldn't like it, was convinced they would as his old cat did! He's been buying them treats and gourmet cat food but no joy!

OP posts:
Original poster
wadingthroughtreacleuphill · 24/06/2014 23:49

No, Apple; I moved fifty miles to be with DP, and I moved in with him. Travelling up the m6 with two yowling cats was bad enough once!

OP posts:
MandarinCheesecake · 24/06/2014 23:50

Missed a bit off the end of that, once they are confident being in the same room as your dp he can then start to talk gently to them (in a soft low voice if he can manage!) so they can get used to his voice.
Do this for as long as it takes. then eventually move their feeding things downstairs and get dp to feed them.
And hopefully they will learn to trust that dp is no threat to them.

But as a back up always keep the safe room door open at all times, as they may feel like they may want to go back now and again if they are feeling insecure.

MandarinCheesecake · 24/06/2014 23:56

OOps x posted, the idea of the safe room is that you do keep them in there for the time being with the door closed. Popping in several times a day to see them.
sometime leaving a radio on low in the room gets them used to the noise/voices.

All mine have had a safe room when being introduced to the house/other cats. They don't have immediate access to the whole house straight away as its too overwhelming.

Original poster
wadingthroughtreacleuphill · 25/06/2014 00:05

Ah - I see.

I'm not sure if that would cause them more distress, as they do like their jaunts outside! Worth a shot, though - thanks. :)

OP posts:
Amethyst24 · 25/06/2014 00:13

Door to their safe place needn't be kept closed, as long as DP keeps out. Awkward I know as it's his house, but it's theirs now too, and he is the one who fucked up.

Appletini · 25/06/2014 06:51

Had he not met them before though?

Let me get this straight: you moved your cats to a new place to live with a stranger, you didn't introduce their new environment gradually or with proper research and planning, and your DH isn't capable of understanding that they atent toys?

YABVVU.

Lonecatwithkitten · 25/06/2014 07:37

Lots of the advice you have been given particularly about safe area, Feliway and facilities.

What I want to emphasis is a month is nothing, I always expect it to take 6 to 9 months for a cat to full settle in such an instance. For their point of view you have taken away their territory, brought a large male thing into their lives and I suspect there are new items in their new territory. In cat world they have a huge amount to deal with.

Morloth · 25/06/2014 07:50

He needs to blank them utterly.

Cats are contrary buggers.

Don't cut them off from their safe place, they will get over it, he just needs to let them alone and ignore them utterly.

Maybe have him put their food down, not necessarily when they are there but just so they can smell him.

Don't cut them off from their 'safe' spot, they will just get more agitated.

Hoppinggreen · 25/06/2014 08:12

It's not just your DP they don't like, they are in a new environment, which can be very hard for cats.
You will just have to take it incredibly slowly

chemenger · 25/06/2014 08:21

I agree with everyone that you need to meet them half way. They need at least one litter tray, their food and water in a room where your DP just does not go. I don't think you should confine them to that room but they need to know it is there. Nastycat lived in our playroom at the top of the house for at least a month when she came to us with maintenance visits from me to clean her tray and feed her. She eventually ventured further and further afield but it was a long process, I think she explored at night. DP should ignore them, no attempts at eye contact and definitely not attempts to touch them or handle them. They need to go to him, which they may never do, but at least they will be able to co-exist in the house while ignoring each other, like my DCs and Nastycat.

stealthsquiggle · 25/06/2014 08:42

Our two rescue teenagers thought DH was scary bloke for months. He was quite hurt, really, as animals normally love him. You need to confine them to part of the house if only to break the pooing in corners thing. And then be very, very patient. Months and months patient.

londonrach · 25/06/2014 08:46

One room for the cats to escape to and dp to feed them from now one. Hope it all settles soon.

Sallyingforth · 25/06/2014 09:07

He needs to make friends with them.
Get him to eat his food from a bowl next to theirs, and share their litter tray :)

sashh · 25/06/2014 11:26

Agree with him feeding them, but also give them an escape route - put furniture - bookshelves are good- so that they can look at him from a distance / somewhere high.

Also ham - put ham DP's pockets/socks/coat, jumper, very few cats can resist ham.

OK maybe not in his socks but see if he can give them ham.

Also get him to ignore them. So sit on the sofa, with ham in his hand and doors open so the cats can get in and out and let them come to him.

stealthsquiggle · 25/06/2014 14:13

It took our two 6 weeks to stop hiding from everyone and everything. They were bloody good at it too. We had to keep them in one small room (with their beds , food, litter tray etc) in order to be sure we still had them. Even in one room there were occasions when I had no bloody idea where they were. After a couple of failures, we reset expectations of how long it would take and kept them in there until they didn't hide any more when we went in, and would actually eat when we were in the room. Then we let them into the rest of the house, but to start with they would only venture out at night. Once they were trashing the place confident, we started letting them out. Fortunately the layout of the house allowed them to avoid the sitting room altogether if they wanted to, but we had months of passing cats on the stairs before boycat started inviting himself into laps /beds /offices, and girlcat still isn't there, but no longer runs away.

OTheHugeManatee · 25/06/2014 14:19

Poor scaredy cats Sad Doesn't your DP know that the best way to win cats over is to ignore them, not grab them and cathandle them?

Give them a safe place where their litter tray lives and where they can eat with their backs to a wall and a good view of people coming and going, and ideally a bolt hole in case someone approaches they don't like. Then just go about your usual business. They'll come round in the end.

Original poster
wadingthroughtreacleuphill · 25/06/2014 14:35

I think he knows that now!

Stealth ours are the same! And apple, believe me, "introducing" my silly cats to anyone is liable to result in ripped flesh as they claw themselves away from me Hmm

My girl isn't too bad but her brother is so, so timid. My dad stayed once, before he died, and the boy cat refused to come in - for a WEEK. In November! Stupid cat!

OP posts:
TillyTellTale · 25/06/2014 18:36

This may seem harsh, but the ridiculous thing is not the cats' behaviour, but the fact that your dp ignored your instructions, traumatised the cats further and is now suggesting that you REHOME the cats that HE scared, because their fear is inconvenient.

I'm sure these terrified, uprooted cats with pre-existing fear of people would do wonderfully at a rescue centre, eh? /sarcasm

Original poster
wadingthroughtreacleuphill · 25/06/2014 18:39

Yes, I, and he, have acknowledged he was a fool.

It wasn't borne out of malice but a misunderstanding about what cats like, as the only cat he has ever known enjoys being picked up and fussed.

The rehoming comment was based in frustration and I can see why. I love the cats but I am ready to scream. Poo in odd places. Cats shooting to some far off place in the house as soon as someone moves. Cats hanging around outside to come in, seeing DP and charging off, mewing to come in, hearing/seeing DP and charging off, repeat several times a night.

They won't be rehomed, but it IS tiresome.

OP posts:
Tiptops · 25/06/2014 19:10

First and foremost I would restrict their access to the outdoors. They will never make progress if they can run off out of sight and earshot of your DP. They need to be calmly and slowly desensitised to him.

So, keep going with the feliway and I'd highly recommend you get some Zyklene too. Only your DP must feed them from now on, no exceptions. Two litter trays upstairs, and two downstairs so they each have a tray on each level of the house. Your DP must not make eye contact with them or attempt to chase/ pick them up yet. Clean up accidents with biological washing powder and warm water, anything else and they will still be able to smell where they've toiletted before.

Be persistent until they tolerate having him in the same room as them, even if they keep their distance or hide. Are they playful? Can they smell catnip? If so, spread lots of catnip and valerian toys around the main living area. Your DP should attempt to engage them in play mostly, but you can join in too while they gain confidence. Toys where they can keep some distance will be best to begin with (laser pen, Da Bird, fishing rod style toys).

I have two rescue cats who were identical to yours when they first arrived. One of them now happily sleeps in bed with me (!) and the other doesn't approach me for fuss but enjoys playtimes and will accept attention if approached slowly.

Good luck!