To be annoyed that it's always the woman who has to make childcare arrangements?

[CambridgeBlue]

Well it is in my house anyway. DH is really good at doing his fair share around the house etc but when it comes down to childcare it always falls to me.

We only have one DD and I work from home so I appreciate we are in a much better position than many people but I find myself dreading the holidays instead of looking forward to spending time with DD because it's an endless juggling act for me. DD is OK at amusing herself for some of the time but it can be tricky working when she's here especially if I have to go out and I just feel guilty that she's not having a better time.

I'm not even that happy in my job but I can't find anything else that will fit around school hours and holidays and what really annoys me is that DH never has to make that consideration when he's looking for a job. He can work whatever days/hours suit him and then if he takes the odd day off to 'help' with childcare everyone thinks he's a hero.

Why does it always seem to fall to the woman? It's not bloody fair.

Is it falling to you because you are allowing it to? It sounds like at some point you must have had a conversation where you said you wanted a job that worked around school hours and school holidays - which by default does mean you will end up doing most of the childcare? If that no longer works for you, then it's up to you and DH to discuss it and see what can be changed.

DH and I both work full time but I used to work part time. When I worked part time I fully accepted that I did most of the childcare (I was simply around more and it was easier for me to change my hours about). Now we are both full time we absolutely share it between us - if childcare needs doing it is done by the person who is best able to do it. We have spreadsheets detailing what is happening over school holidays.

Of course it doesn't have to be the woman doing this - but like you my work is more flexible so childcare, like most other jobs, tended to default to me unless we discussed otherwise. It wasn't something I expected to be onerous. It was only when I found myself more exhausted in the summer holidays than at any other time of year that I realised what a pain it was juggling childcare and work is.

It's up to you as a family to work out what is going to suit you best. IME arranging childcare is a spirit breaking part of childrearing - there's no joy in it, like doing bathtime, playing in the garden, snuggling down to bed etc - but it needs to be done and so is best as a shared task.

everyone thinks he's a hero - hmmm just noticed this. So there is a bit more going on here, than just the stress of juggling childcare and work. You don't feel valued/appreciated in your family and "everyone" makes this worse by rubbing your face in it, praising your dh.

Sounds like there is a different talk to be had about the type of home/family your dh wants to live in.

I think I might be doing DH a disservice, he hasn't necessarily chosen for it to be like this and the only reason anyone 'thinks he's a hero' is because they just seem to when a man - gasp - looks after his own child. A woman on the other hand is just expected to get on with it.

DH does as much as his job allows but it just annoys me that sorting it all out always falls to me. Yes my work is more flexible but doing it round a child can be really tricky and I hate the fact that I dread the holidays instead of looking forward to them.

I guess maybe it's a 'grass is greener' thing - I expect DH would like the flexibility my job sometimes allows me instead of being tied to the 9-5. I know I appreciated it a lot when DD was younger and will never regret having worked this way but it's just hard now she is older and my job is more full-on.

It's the age-old problem of working parents isn't it - no solution is ideal. Any tips for juggling/staying calm over the holidays would be very much appreciated though.

I sort the childcare in this house as I work shifts so naturally I need to inform the CM of when we will need her. If dh worked the shifts he would be the one informing her.

He is off all school hols so we need no childcare then.

If one of us wants a night out, the other stays in with dc. If the person staying in then gets an invite out they have to sort childcare.

It's the same in our house so you have my sympathy. To be fair to my DH though, he works 12-14 hour days for a very unsympathetic employer in a commission based job. I work 7.5 hours a day for a very understanding line manager so its therefore easier for me to take the odd days off that need to be covered last minute rather than him, and I have to do the lions share of childcare before and after work too, which is hard, but it's just the nature of the job. It does annoy me though that he just assumes it will fall to me to sort out! I wouldnt be sure he even knows the days she's at nursery against the days she's with my sister!

DH and I both work ft, and he takes equal responsibility for sorting holiday childcare and making sure one of us is around either end of the day (we both travel for work). In fact DH is filling out holiday care forms now.

Other people do make more of it, especially when I'm away they comment about what is dh doing, esp as we don't have family help

I hear you... we both work full time, very similar hours however because he earns more that makes him feel he's more important and therefore all that other stuff belongs to me.
I do harbour a wish that the school would also put some of the burden on the dads - there's never been a father as a class rep or helping out on the stalls at the Christmas fair etc etc - the emails asking for volunteers only ever go to the mothers (which as a girls only school rather reinforces sexism)

I sympathise and it's the same for me as I also work from home. For the most part, I suck it up and think that since I know my own availability it makes sense for me to arrange childcare, but I do get where you're coming from