To think your mood shouldn't bother others?

[softlysoftly]

Not sure I've phrased that well and don't want to go into epic post but AIBU to think if you are feeling upset and need to talk. Not anything ground breaking you all didn't know already just worn down by ongoing situation, then you should be able to offload freely?

They should be able to listen supportively and not then affect their frame of mind/mood?

I think it depends on who it is, what the ongoing situation is and how often the offloading is happening. In close relationships, the unhappiness of one partner naturally impacts the other..who can be chipper knowing someone they love is very down?

My family used to say that I 'took the weather with me' as my mood very much impacted the whole household. It easy done

Yabu - trouble is your dealing with people not trained counsellors.

And people tend to carry alllllloooot of baggage.

All the same, offload on here and take the good and leave the rest?

It depends, sorry. Other people may be dealing with problems of their own and not have the time/inclination/energy to listen to someone else's miseries. This is particularly true if the person wanting to offload frequently wants to bore on and whine for hours.

On the other hand, some people are not very sympathetic, though they may be valued as friends for other reasons.

I don't know. I do like to offload (but I go to counselling, so they're trained to listen, I suppose...) but I think it's natural to affect their mood. If someone I know is sad and shares a lot of sad things with me, I will feel sad for them and it will mean I wouldn't go on as relatively carefreely for the rest of the day, I suppose. I don't think people can control their emotional reaction- although they can obviously control how they act on it and show it.

Often empathetic people will be affected, as they feel some of the similar emotions.

And the context and situation will have an impact too. If someone has an 'ongoing situation' that is clearly making them upset, and if you have heard about it previously and tried to offer constructive advice which is ignored, then it can affect you to hear the same situation going on and on, with no action being taken. Not saying that is your position OP, but one of many reasons why other people are affected.

It depends - if something's bothering my husband and upsetting him, then I am unlikely to be able to listen objectively and impartially and then just carry on as before. If you care about someone, hearing that they are having a hard time can affect your mood - that is part and parcel of being human and having emotions.

If you mean that you are having problems with a person, and you want someone to listen without it impacting on their relationship with that person (e.g. someone's upset you and you want to vent, but don't want whoever you cent to to treat that person differently) then it might be easier to find someone who doesn't know them to talk to rather than expect someone to be able to compartmentalise.

Vent on here though - plenty of sympathy and you can just switch us all off when you're done and get on with your life!

Ok think I probably do need more detail sorry if it's dull!

I'm 39wks pg, 2 DC 2 and 4. My work is the only current income so that's a stressor as DH launched a new business which is in trouble with no funding, I am still Doing work for this business now but maternity from paid work.

He's been really down about it obviously and I've listened and chivvied and helped and still got on with childcare house and both work generally been the "positive force" I suppose.

Yesterday I was just so hot and tired, long day with DC alone again plus work plus I get notice about more shit gone wrong and when DH rang me at 11.30pm to say he'd just spent 4 hours in the gym as work was quiet I broke down. I just felt it was all a bit much for once, I wanted to be the one who was a bit broken for just a little while.

Anyway cue this morning and I felt better, but DH was supposed to be doing a training thing for staff at work and has now decided last minute to cancel it as "he's not in the mood" apparently he has to be in the right frame of mind. I just feel like I should have kept my fucking mouth shut for fear of him getting down.

We've now fallen out because I've said I won't speak to him about my feelings again and that's me overreacting apparently. But how can I if I can't speak to him without it affecting him and his actions?

i disagree a friend of mine was going through a bad time and i listened to her daily about her problems. she refused to take any advice and was unable to see that a lot of her problems were of her own making or she was dealing with things in an overly emotional way. it really started to get me down and i had to tell her i wouldn't listen to the same problems over and over any more, either she did something to fix things and i would support her or find someone else to moan to. that might sound mean but this was going on over three years and everyone has their limits.

OK, I can totally see what you mean in that last post.

Your DH seems to be being a bit of a twat.

I do think that partners should be able to off-load at each other, and I do think that it's actually quite normal for the other to be emotionally affected by it. I do think that is normal - I know DH gets stressed when I'm ill, and the temptation is to not tell him, but then he's constantly stressed in case I'm lying. So talking it through is necessary and all that. I get stressed when he's got work stressed going on, but I still listen.

However, I'm not convinced that that's the crux of your problem here. Your DH seems to be under the strange impression that you will make stuff 'all better' for him. His work is going wonky, so you're the one fixing it. He can't be arsed to do his training, so he's conveniently blaming you and your breaking down moment. He needs you to be the 'positive force' - why? Does he genuinely need a cheerleading squad just to do normal life stuff?

I think that's the problem here. Not that he got sad because you were sad - that's a normal human reaction. It's the fact that he decided to make his sadness an excuse to do bugger all, which is ever so slightly pathetic in a grown man.

Given your latest post

You are not responsible for someone else's happiness. That doesn't mean you don't support, it means that you don't sink under the weight.

So you support by giving space and time to run the business, you agree timescales and set expectations.

You don't run a yourself ragged trying to fix everything, it sounds like your dh needs to have a proper think about whether he should be running a business on his own at all.

That does sound shit. I think you both need to sit down and talk some things through, when neither of you is tired and there is peace and quiet. I find that often if women talk to men about a problem, men try to fix it, regardless of whether or not it is something that needs to be fixed. Often just talking about something is cathartic, and you just want the other person to listen and acknowledge, but that doesnt always happen.

One thing I would suggest is writing a contract for what you are doing for his company. It's not ok that you are pregnant, doing childcare and housework and he swans off to the gym for 4 hours. I think 1 is acceptable, but 4 is taking the piss.

Has your DH said that he has cancelled today's training because of what you said last night?

It sounds like an excuse on his part as does going to the gym for four hours because it was quiet rather than doing something pro-active.

I think your DH needs to understand that when you are trying to set up your own business you simply don't have the luxury of deciding you're 'not in the mood'.

Do you normally have to chivy him along or is this a recent thing?

Oh bloody hell, another of these wankers who is 'running his own business' ie leeching off his partner because he's too 'special' to work for anyone else.

Realistically, OP, is there any chance of his business bringing in any money? Does it involve products/services that people might actually pay for? If it's just a wanky hobby then tell him to pack it in and get a job. If he refuses, you might need to think seriously about getting rid of him. Men who run ego-trip money-sucking 'businesses' are seriously bad news as partners and quite often abusive in other ways as well.

Thanks Sorry I'll try and answer, generally I do feel like a "fixer" and cheerleader, he says he doesn't need it, he says to stop now but then it just doesn't get done. I think he's depressed and he's shutting down/hiding from responsibility but he can't right now I need him.

He does do lovely things too, I'm pretty sure he'll now come home this afternoon to keep me company as he's worried but that's NOT what I want I made it clear I'd rather he just went and got on with what needed to be done. Opting out adds to my stress not detracts from it.

This was supposed to be the pregnancy which I enjoyed for once and now I can't even think about having a baby how fucked up is that? I don't have time.

Tbh we were so happy before, we had a good life we were balanced and he was never depressed like this so last night I said I'd rather shut it down lose the money and have my life back. He can work PT or be a SAHD or whatever, we won't be rich but we'd survive and be happy.

Legion it's recent he's definitely depressed. At the start he was really positive, worked all hours.

SGB I know it sounds that way but no. It's a "proper" business, taking between 7-10k per week with 8+ employees and he's good you know he really is. But he's working with no cashflow and overheads are crippling us. It has to grow faster than it is. He now spends his time robbing Peter to pay Paul instead of getting out there to build the business and he hates it, he's always been straight as a die and he feels the weight of responsibility for his employees while we can't pay ourselves.

Sounds dreadfully hard op. It's not unusual for people (I've done it) to opt out instead of doubling down when stressed but it's basically a slow death sentence for his business, he needs to get a plan and get decisive, I agree with you, either kill it, or delegate what he's wasting time on to other employees and go get new business...

OK, perhaps he needs to get some business advice. Is there a trade organisation or guild or something? (Appreciate you may not want to disclose what type of business it is).