To effectively starve my 7 year old?

[zumby]

Dd has always had a tiny appetite. She is petite, but I amwas too, so I've never been massively concerned.

She's always been fairly fussy, but we've managed her eating fairly well. She would not eat a massive variety but would eat mince, so we could make cottage pie, spah Bol, meatballs etc...

But then she stopped liking mash; so we allowed the mince and booked potatoes. It wasn't any extra work.

But now she's gone off mince, and near, and cheese sauce.

Basically we're downtown chicken and potatoes. Preferably in the guise of chicken nuggets and chips; but also as roast dinner and any variation really.

I've had enough of the food refusal and her lack of eating.

It makes tea times a pain.

So I'm coming down hard.

I cook dinner; you either eat it or go and get bread and butter.

But I know she'll just not eat.

AIBU

[emms1981]

I'm glad its not just my kids, they would eat chicken nuggets and smily faces every night if I let them :( my 7 year old is slightly better than he was but my 5 year old refuses to eat any fruit other than bananna and greens no way, as a baby he was fine with carrot and peas I thought oh good this one won't be any trouble but I was wrong

[Iggly]

If she eats breakfast and lunch then maybe she isn't hungry come tea time?

Also does she have tongue tie cos that can make it harder for people to chew and swallow. Can also be linked to heartburn (and reflux). Ask her if she gets a burn in her chest.

[BravePotato]

don't come down hard!

Much better to be relaxed about food.

You are making it an issue.

Pretending to not care all that much, and just putting normal tea on the table with no fuss worked for us. We had one rule: " you don't have to eat it, but you are not allowed to be rude about it, pull faces or make a fuss."

I pretended to not be too bothered. My super fussy eater gradually started to try new things. I never begged or even asked him to. It and to be on HIS terms.

This worked for us, when DH put the pressure on it backfired spectacularly, so we did it my way.

Patience and a casual attitude and zero pressure. But expect manners.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

She eats quite a lot, I wouldn't worry about the tea thing at all. I have one child who just doesn't eat breakfast or if she does it is a mini-portion, half a piece of white toast max. She is just not hungry at this time of day. She eats loads in the evening. Your dd is the opposite, she is eating well at breakfast, having a flapjack snack, eating a good lunch (way more than my other eats at lunchtime), then a big snack after school- and by teatime, she's picky and unfussed.

If she wasn't eating throughout the day there would be more of an issue, but she's obviously not so hungry for a big meal at that time. Don't take it personally- it's not!

As for her being underweight, if she's eating all that she is unlikely to be properly underweight but a check at the docs to reassure you wouldn't go amiss.

You might have cut back on the snack for today, but it will take a while for that to feed through to eating more at night- I wouldn't offer anything after school except a drink and perhaps half an apple or something not filling and then have your food when she's much hungrier.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I totally agree with BravePotato- take the heat out of this, you are turning it into a battle of wills when it needn't be. Put the dinner out, make no comment, give her bread and butter if she prefers (she will I bet as she eats loads in the day!) and get on with your lives. This will become a power struggle and you won't win- she's just not hungry.

We try to teach our children about listening to their bodies- I think this is just as important as trying to eat a healthy balanced diet- and her body is saying she's not that hungry in the evening -is this such a big deal?

I wouldn't change the menu though, just keep going!

[ExcuseTypos]

I think if she's having a banana and biscuit at 3.15ish, 5 is too early for tea. Id try it a bit later but I wouldn't worry too much as she's eating plenty during the day.

I'd also make sure she's drinking plenty of water after school. She might be dehydrated and thinks she's really hungry at 5, when she's actually thirsty.

[littlejohnnydory]

I definitely wouldn't let her replace meals with bread and butter. I do the take it or leave it thing with my children, I do think that if you stop giving her things because she's decided she doesn't like them, then she'll never eat them - I don't make my children clear their plates but I do make them try their food, if it's something new, or make a decent effort at eating it, before being allowed fruit and yogurt afterwards.

You wouldn't be starving her, you're offering her food. I'd go for a balance of things you know she'll eat (pasta and pesto one day) and new things.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it though, just take it away without comment if she doesn't eat it - the last thing you want is battles over food or a power struggle.

[Purplepoodle]

Mine are not fussy eater but evening meals are a chore. As long as they have a good breakfast and lunch like you have described then I wouldn't be too fussed about dinner. I give mine a tiny portion and often they don't eat it.

[Havanacat]

I like Brave Potatoes approach.
My DD is particular about what she eats - I don't like the label 'fussy' and I feed her what she likes. She eats a good, if plain, range of food and will eat many fruit and veg quite happily.
My DSD was also 'particular' and has more or less grown out of it as she's got older.
As long as they're healthy and a good weight, a fairly limited diet is not that big a deal - I found meals that we could all enjoy at least parts of, so it wasn't that onerous to cook, or would freeze ahead and microwave portions of something for DD or DSD if we were eating something they didn't like. Made for more harmonious mealtimes without much more effort.

[Nanny0gg]

If you made her eat something she didn't want (even if previously liked) would she gag?
Is she actually incapable of eating it?

[Looseleaf]

I have great sympathy with our fussy 7 year old as in her case she had undiagnosed allergies for years (dairy and wheat) and stomach ache and diarrhoea etc. so food was sadly a negative experience for her in a way she couldn't help.

It is totally exhausting to cook healthily for her within the things she trusts but I try and she has slowly built up confidence as I never force anything on her but encourage her lightheartedly to just taste something and leave it if she doesn't want it. I do respect different people like different things too, and that's ok. I can see the perspective of not giving a child total control too, but our experience has definitely been affected by food intolerances and loss of confidence which may be different for you.

In our case dd likes soup (I think you said yours does too?) which is a massive help as it can cover so many variations and ingredients she needn't see. And over the last two years she's discovered grapes are ok for example so but by bit without any pressure I am finding it's getting better and she's having a fuller diet.

Also having a younger sibling who eats everything really helps and we don't discuss food much other than say ooh I love this... and lead by example

[zumby]

Thank you. Although I'm annoyed with her eating, I swear I dont let her see. Not even so much as a sigh. We do sometimes talk about it though, not at mealtimes, but at other times. in a lighthearted way, like "dd i have noticed that you seem to be eating less for dinner than usual, you tell me you are hungry, but then choose not to eat, instead wanting something else, why is this? What can we do to make sure you eat your dinner that I cook when it isnt chicken nuggets? Shall we create a menu together?" those kind of conversations. She is upbeat, happy to explain that she just doesnt like the food, the meat is chewy or grisly (I know this, I was vegitarian for years due to the same texture issues, the only difference being I liked beans, pulses and veg - she doesn't!)

She does not gag when asked to eat it. She resignedly - stoically even - makes her way minute bite by minute bite through it before declaring herself too full for even pudding. She will then ask for toast 20 minutes later. She used to be offered a banana or toast when she was younger you see. But recently I've withdrawn that, and just offered to get her dinner out again. But she graciously refuses and goes off to play or watch tv.

One poster upthread said she shouldnt be allowed to disengage and watch tv - but I fail to see how making her sit at the table (she has to wait for her brother to finish, or us if we're all eating together) would help? when we have finished our mains she is allowed to leave. Soemtimes we might have fruit for pudding or a yoghurt, but often we do not, particularly if it was something nice (like cake) and dd has eaten nothing - we just shelve it for when the DC's are in bed.

I have honestly tried everything except punishment (not happy to do this) or total refusal of any food except her dinner.

And for those of you who say she eats a lot - this is what she has eaten today:

Crunchy nut cornflakes
half a slice of marmite toast
a baby's flapjack
a carrot for break
one wrap with cream cheese
8 olives
a mini peperoni
about 5 slices of tinned peach
jaffa cake
half a 9inch pizza with the topping mostly removed.
an ice-cream that DH brought home from work (totally unexpected)

I disagree that she is filling up in the day. Her portions are definitely on the small side, the only thing which is a decent size is the wrap, I would be full after having that for lunch. But I am still hesitant to only offer her the meal or nothing else. Mainly because I have tried so hard to keep her happy and eating at mealtimes, that it is ingrained in me I guess - and has totally worked against me.

I have no idea about tongue-tie, how would I check?

[Trollsworth]

She eats loads and it's all high calorie food. She's not hungry or she would eat her dinner. She's a normal weight and height. Either stop the snacks or drop the subject - she simply does not need any more calories!

[CheerfulYank]

There's a difference between kids who really cannot eat some foods (they will gag etc) and others who merely don't want to.

I've always been an "eat it or don't, but this is what we have" mom.

[CheerfulYank]

That's more than I've eaten today and I'm 32 and fat :o

[Ummmmgogo]

I only have a 2 year old so feel free to ignore my advice but that does seem like a reasonable amount of food for a girl of her age. Apparently a child's stomach is only about as big as their fist so even though their portions are quite small it is enough for them. Sometimes when I was younger I would say I was hungry after dinner and get dessert. Sometimes they would offer me more dinner. But I got dessert enough to make it worth trying!

If I cut out all snacks and just offer breakfast, lunch and dinner with only tap water in between, my 2 year old eats her dinner. If she has her morning and afternoon snacks then often she only has a few bites of dinner unless it's nuggets and chips which always gets finished.

Would you be willing to go hardcore on the starving and only offer three meals, no snacks, no sweet drinks, no deserts no nothing? It will work, but she may not like it at all lol! If you can't be that cruel, then you might have to just trust that she is getting what she needs even if it is not at a convenient time for you.

Try not to stress you said your daughter is happy, healthy and growing so you must be doing something right xx

[Whereisegg]

Honestly op that's plenty of food.

[youbethemummylion]

It does seem quite a bit for instance why does she need a flapjack in the car on the way to school when she has already had a decent amount for breakfast. I havent read the whole thread but if it hasnt already been asked what time is tea? Perhaps she is just not hungry.

[Kewcumber]

That sounds plenty for a 7 year old unless she does loads of sport. I would limit the chicken nuggets and chips to say twice a week and do other stuff at other times.

I wouldn't restrict pudding unless pudding is cake/ice cream type treat - if its fruit or yoghurt - thats just food.

At 25% height 50% weight centiles I can't beleive that she's undereating so I would stop stressing about it. Discuss the change with her up front explain how healthy chicken nuggets are (and how little chicken there is in them) and then let her get on with it.

[TeacupDrama]

she is not starving or she would have a weight lower than 50th centile being muscular is good

she does not need to eat more but I do understand it is frustrating when she will not eat the same as everyone else she is not underweight so she does not need to eat more she might need to eat healthier but not more if she eats more earlier in day she probably is not hungry by evening if you have breakfast before 8 and lunch at 12 you can't as a child wait until 6 for evening meal but if you have substantial snack at 3.30 you can't eat big meal at 5-6pm either

she has healthy BMI slightly above average so she does not need to slim down however neither does she need to put on weight so stop worrying about quantity completely and maybe try and address balance and timings

[fledermaus]

It looks ok to me too. Crunchy nut cornflakes are just pure sugar though! Maybe a more filling breakfast would set her up a bit better so she doesn't need the flapjack snack?

The wrap, olives, pepperoni and peach sounds like a pretty substantial lunch too.

Half a pizza and ice cream (I know the ice cream was unexpected) also sounds fine for tea.

For comparison my 4 year old today ate:

A slice of toast with peanut butter
Some fruit for snack
Half a cheese sandwich, half an apple and an oaty bar (similar to a baby flapjack maybe?) for lunch
Other half of the cheese sandwich after school
About 4 pieces of tortellini for tea

[CeliaFate]

Do you have a slow cooker? When I have to get the dc fed and dh hasn't got home yet and I'm not hungry etc., I chuck stuff in the slow cooker in the morning on low and just dish out when each person's ready to eat.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I would not offer the banana and biscuit after school, and have tea ready for when she gets home at 4 or there abouts.

[Kewcumber]

I would also either drop the sack and have teas straight away or make tea later. DS who is 8.5 and plays a lot of sport generally has a snack when he gets in but won;t then have tea until 6pm

[306235388]

Ds is 7 and today he's eaten

Cheerios
Banana
Fairy cake
1/2 cheese baguette
Tomatoes
Chocolate biscuit
2 potatoes, 3 small sausages and a spoon of sweet corn

I think he eats loads.

[zumby]

Thanks all - yes I agree, I got a bit derailed there, but the issue isnt really about how much she eats, or whether she's underweight or not, but more about her bloody stubborness, which is a relatively new thing!

But I shall just make sure she has food she mostly likes, eg soup/egg on toast/jacket pot/chicken and chips and bulk out for DS which is what i have been doing. If DS turns out the same way though, I will just hire in some home help to cook for us all - and to think I used to enjoy cooking!