Brief background: things are so confusing. When I was a kid she got together with this bloke and we moved in with him. He was violent to me, verbally abusive and spent every day running me down. She stayed with him anyway. As a result Ive spent the rest of my life feeling like I am not good enough and Ive battled with major anxiety, depression and self harm. Im in my mid thirties now and happily married with a lovely ds.
She can be very sweet. She is very good with ds, always having fun with him. She does things like helps me do over my garden and stuff. But then she can be v hurtful. Example: several years back I harmed myself so badly that I had to have ten stitches. I was alone and had nobody. I rang and asked if I could please see her. She said no because they wanted to paint their hallway. (I should add that I certainly do not self harm anymore, especially not now Im a mother). She also tried to shove my sister into dives of bedsits to get rid of her so that my sister wouldnt have to live with my mum and her current husband. Ive got lots of examples like this.
Anyway. I always feel so lacking around her. I feel like she is judging everything. Thing is, I know how she reports to me about other people- she is so critical. What their houses look like, what their parenting is like, etc. and she is always done up to the nines and her house is immaculate, so I feel that because mine has toys everywhere and I prefer to chill in jeans that shes looking around wanting to give everything a makeover. I feel so self conscious and tense, its horrible. Thing is, I know how much she values people who look great and have great houses, shes always talking about stuff like that, so I know if I was that way shed think that was great. Things get so confusing in my head, i dont know sometimes if I am tidying up a room because I want to or if I want to please her.
Anyway, we have had a disagreement. She said a while back that she would have ds one afternoon a week so I could do my own stuff. However, in the last two months she has cancelled every week except once. She has cancelled cos she wants to do other stuff, or shes hurt her back, something. Anyway, I asked months ago if she could have Finn for the day so I could go to Wimbledon. And then last week she said she couldnt do it now because she is going to Devon instead to watch her FIL's dog while he went on holiday. I was really pissed off. And then she sent me a text saying that she cant have ds either while I take dh to hospital next month for an unpleasant endoscopy which he is really worried about.
I got pissed off with keep being mucked about but I was very restrained in my response, I said Id have to ask my sister to babysit for the hispital appt instead. She said I cant expect my sister to take the afternoon off to help and dh would have to go to the appointment alone. I said I was miffed that shed also ditched babysitting over Wimbledon and she said she couldnt let her husband go to Devon alone, what would he do byhimself. So I said fine, lets leave this now, no point in rowing, just try and enjoy your time in Devon. I thoughht that was a pretty calm response considering how annoyed I was. She didnt reply to that and the next morning I had a text saying she wouldnt come round that day as she felt down. I said dont feel down, Ive made some brownies and I will drop some over. No reply. So I drove some round anyway. Her hubby answered the door and shouted for her. She didnt want to come to the door, he had to wave to her to come over. She was cold as ice! I gave her the brownies and I said try and have a nice day. She was like stone, just said thanks and bye and shut the door. I got back to my car and ds was bawling cos he wanted to see grandma and I drove off with a knot in my throat.
I dont know what to do about any of this now, or any more. I struggle with self esteem so badly, it swallows me whole. She has not contacted me since and I dont feel I should try any further myself. Help me sort this out, please, Ive felt so anxious the last few days, I keep having to breathe into a paper bag.