To want my mum to make more effort with DS?

[Mosschopz]

I know I'm unreasonable, I know, I know, I know...

Mum has a low grade cancer, which has been operated on - a major operation. Prior to the op we were told it might be terminal. It might yet be but the prognosis is looking more hopeful after treatment. It's a long road and the op has weakened her but is getting better slowly.

DS is a lively 3.5 year old and having once totally worshipped her he seems to be forgetting who she is as she isn't strong enough to make much effort. She requests he doesn't come to visit as she finds it a drain. It's been six months like this and the bond seems to be weakening between them.

I know she's struggling, it's been an awful time but I hoped she might see her grandchild as a tonic or at least a distraction. I'm sad that if the worst happens he won't remember her as she was pre-cancer. I want him to form these memories.

I know it's a selfish sentiment.

sorry but it's very selfish and yabu. not everyone finds children a welcome distraction or a tonic. she is ill and needs to focus on herself right now.

It is selfish but I understand where you're coming from. But your Mum's needs must come first. People who have been or are ill often "disengage" with those they love most because they fear that they'll die...it's self protection in a way.

Your Mum will take some time to get over the scare of cancer...it took my Mum over a year to recover from a bad illness and she was affected emotionally

Instead of worrying about DS I think you need to show concern for your Mum.

She's got enough to deal with, but I really understand why you want their relationship to be strong. I'm sorry about your mum

It sounds like she has enough on her plate at the moment - I can understand that she doesn't have the energy for a lively toddler at the moment.

I'm sure she loves him as much as she always has, but she obviously doesn't think it will be a tonic, just that it will exhaust her. Also, maybe she doesn't want him to see her when she is so sick.

Awful situation for you and your mum.

Could you meet out somewhere so that the visit could be short and sweet if he was getting a bit boisterous? I know it's not the same at all, but I find it draining when my 4 year old nephew comes over - he's quite rough with everything and I have to watch him like an absolute hawk. I find it much easier to spend time with him outside in the park or even at his own house.

You know you are being unreasonable already because of course you have to respect your mums wishes, but YANBU to be sad about what the bastard that is cancer has done to your closest family relationships.

It's shit, but your mums well being is more important than your sons memories.

I hope your mum continues to get better and that your son has the chance to create better memories in the future.

is she wallowing? my friends mom had terminal cancer she had masses of treatment she always wanted to see her grandchildren and other friends ex and father to one of her children had terminal brain tumour he lived months longer than he should have and had his son over every week but other people have wallowed in the whole "im dying" got massive depression and ended up worse she could be depressed can you talk to macmillion about it they are usually experts xx

Yabu but understandably. My mum had breast cancer and it changes you. At the moment all your mum can think about is getting better. You need to be understanding that the diagnosis if cancer is frightening and will wear your mum out to say nothing of the treatment. Can you meet half way that if your mum has had a good day you meet her in park, coffee shop, friends house with ds for just 30 minutes. A child that age can wear you out when you fit! Meanwhile can you get your son to draw etc something for your mum and you talk to your ds about your mum. Very hard for all of you. Sending your support as even if Yabu I understand why. X