To not want to tell ds he has to share his birthday present - mil related

[lecce]

Ds2 will be 5 next month. Recently, dh found a lovely old-fashioned picnic hamper he had bought his df unused in his df's house. He commented to his dm (they are divorced) that he may as well have it back, and the next time she spoke to him she said she had spoken to the df and he was happy to give it back as he wasn't getting any use out of it and it is going to waste.

Apparently, mil then told dh that she thought ds2 would 'love it' and that it would make a great toy-box (he already has one) . She said that we ought to give it to him for his birthday, but with the strict understanding that it must be shared and used for picnics as and when it is needed. Dh seemed really enthusiastic and said what a great idea "isn't it?" with the glint in his eye he gets when he is determined about something.

I think it is very unfair to give anyone, let alone a 5yr old, a gift with the proviso that it is not really theirs and must be used for something else when dictated. I have never been given a gift and told I must share it, and I'm pretty sure dh and mil haven't either. It really is lovely, and I would like to use it as a hamper, not have ds climbing in it, spilling glitter in it, and potentially being upset when he has to give it up regularly throughout the summer. I just don't see the point. He has developed a fair few new interests lately and there are plenty of other things I can think of to get him. This just seem utterly pointless.

Mil does tend to interfere and, though dh has got better over the years, he still has a tendency to fall over himself to please her. In addition, we are going through a very rocky patch atm, and it feels like if I voice my disagreement, he will accuse me of 'hating his mother' (I don't, though I do hate it when she interferes and he backs her.)

AIBU?

Agree with other posters. 5yo not gonna be interested in that.

That's such a shite present, what's wrong with your DH and his mother

It isn't a practical idea.

If it is to be used as a toy box and a picnic basket, what will happen to the stored toys when it's in use as a basket? I bet they will be tipped out onto the floor and some mug will have to get back from picnic, empty picnic basket and tidy toys back into it.

Just agree, then do what what you want with it. It's a bonkers idea to be humoured, that's all.

Make him a surprise birthday teddy bears picnic in the garden using the hamper, tell him he can keep his teddys in it ready for the next picnic.

Voila it is non glittery toy storage and picnic basket all at the same time.

So your DH gave it as a present to his father?

And now his father's ex wife (your MIL) wants to put conditions on it being given as a gift back to your family?

Sorry but wtf has it got to do with her?

I'd stick with what you were originally going to get him, and then give him the basket as an addition to all that. Or maybe put his presents inside it so he has to open it to get them.

I got a hamper with dress up stuff in it as a kid. I could have cared less what the actual box was, I was more excited about the stuff inside it. If my parents told me I had to share it, I don't think I would have even cared.

But, if it's to be shared, perhaps make it a joint gift for both DS's at Christmas?

So he is literally getting an empty toy box for his birthday? Oh dear! Yanbu. It reminds me of a thread a couple of years ago where a boy of a similar age was promised tennis lessons by his grandparents (he was really into sporty things and really was excited about this) and they suddenly decided to give him a violin because they thought that would be better for him!

I'm sure there are ways of getting around this, some lovely ideas suggested by other posters but basically no yanbu!

This reminds me of when I was 12 and my step Aunt got me an iron dolphin seascape ornament for Christmas.
Luckily I didn't open it in front of her but it gets mentioned every Christmas after a few glasses of wine.

Seriously though, this is a wtf kinda present but so ridiculous that I would let them carry on with it and just buy your DS something he would actually like.
I bet he will actually forget about the basket eventually so I wouldn't worry about it.

Pretend you know nothing or got half the story. Text her and say thank you ever so much for my picnic hamper, ill use it for the family picnics this summer and I'm sure ill get lots of use out of it. It would be a shame to waste it on a toy box for DS as he will only ruin it very quickly with paints/glue

Dh seemed really enthusiastic and said what a great idea "isn't it?" with the glint in his eye he gets when he is determined about something.

What do you mean by this OP? It sounds like you can see he has made up his mind and is going to go ahead regardless of what you think or say.

Regarding the gift. Firstly, it isn't hers to give so if it is given to your son it will be from his grandfather, not his grandmother.

Secondly, he might like it if it's big enough to sit in. If not, I'm sure he'll just ignore it and play with the toys he actually likes so he won't be fussed if it gets used by someone else for a picnic.

I would let them get on with it. You can have a smile to yourself when he opens it - 5 year olds are not renowned for their tact

Nonsensical idea from mil

Totally agree with officer just drop the whole thing, way more effort than its worth. Shit present, shit idea (to regularly tip everything out and use it for a picnic).

We have a picnic backpack - with plates and glasses and knives and forks - you'd think it was more likely to be used but no - we do lots of picnics but use normal backpacks - hands, containers and normal plastic cups that stack- cutlery eventually went in with the normal stuff.

I really don't see an actual old fashioned hamper being used much.

TBH I'm not sure how I'd handle this - as I hate your DS to be given something clearly inappropriate that if he did play with it he may well be told off for potentially damaging it ( my DS would manage that). You could hid it - but then than could cause arguments.

You could try pointing out all the problems with it then suggest something more sensible - in a breezey don't be daft way - and immediately suggest something more appropriate? Or ignore and hope it goes away.

When you give something it belongs to that person. What they choose to do with it is up to them.
Your dh isnt planning on giving but loaning which means that he has some control over it.

Its not really a gift is it?

Hamper for a 5 year old? He will be looking for the gift inside it .

That's a truly shite present for anyone a 5 year old!

Crazy on so many levels. First, the DS already has a toy box. Second, a toy box is really not a fun present if it doesn't have toys in it. Third, a picnic hamper isn't a toy box, it's a picnic hamper. Fourth, you're giving him a present that you haven't even paid for and was originally bought for someone else. Fifth, you're telling him it's not really his and that some of the time it's going to be used by adults for a different purpose.

I would find it hard to think of anything more pointless.

His poor face when he opens this pile of shite a delightful picnic hamper that he has to share!

(Yes I am place marking for an update ).

This is hysterical! I'd give it to him. So she looks like the nutter she is.

Regifting a present already given to someone else is super tacky, especially when it's so age inappropriate.

From my perspective, that sounds like a huge hassle. iId know that I would get the job of clearing the toys from the hamper, and wiping it to get it clean enough for the picnic, then clearing the crumbs and putting the toys back in. So from that side, it seems ridiculous.

However from the dc's side:
Dd1 would have loved that. She'd find it so exciting that her basket could be used on picnics. Only thing would be is that she would then think she was in charge of the picnic, and probably want to hand everything out from "her basket" thus irritating her siblings.
Dd2 would have loved the basket for her toys. She wouldn't have wanted it to be used for the picnic.
Ds would be totally indifferent to it as a present. You could use it as a hamper if you wanted; he wouldn't care.

From the child's side. I hated gifts that were meant to share. Because there were 3 of us, and 2 of us were girls, we often had to share. This meant a few things.

1. Me and dsis were very different in likes etc. So if one of us loved it, the other was bored by it.
2. It always had to be stored in dsis room as her room was over double the size. So she felt she was storing something of mine, and I felt it wasn't really mine as I had to ask to get it from her room.
3. Neither of us felt it was really ours, so neither tended to use it much, and it also tended not to be looked after so well, or mended if broken.
4. You could guarentee that if one of us wanted to use it, the other suddenly discovered a huge urge to only play with it too. So dm would say "30 minutes then hand it over" which took a lot of the fun out.
5. Because it was in dsis room (and she was older) dm would often hand it down to db or throw it out because "it was too young for you" forgetting that it was also mine and, at 3 years younger I hadn't grown out of it.

The one gift that did work well was large jigsaws as we could genuinely do it together. Although if we hadn't finished it by bedtime and left it somewhere where dm was it would be finished by morning.

I

My DDs would have loved this as a present when they were 5. They would have great fun playing with it, BUT lots of bits would get lost, and there would be good chance of damage either to the hamper or the picnic bits.

If your DH wants it to be kept in good condition, he would be mad to allow a 5 year old boy play with it.

Also, not sure 5 year old boy would love it.

Please at least fill it with chocolate cake and sweets before giving it to the poor kid...