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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to accept facebook friends invite from a former class bully?

37 replies

DogCalledRudis · 22/06/2014 07:46

He was really vile. He beat me, pulled my hair, stabbed me with a screwdriver, if i complained to adults, he beat me up more.
Now he is a married man with two children, and wants to be my friend on facebook... Does he think i forgot?

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 22/06/2014 13:17

YY, none - I'm not a big FB user but if someone from my past wants to friend me they can damn well send me a PM at the same time, of the 'hi how are you' ilk. Humph.

CoffeeBucks · 22/06/2014 13:52

YANBU at all. The same thing happened to me, although the bullying was nowhere near as bad as what happened to you but this girl was basically unpleasant to everyone throughout primary school. I ignored her friend request but then she began to message me, explaining that she'd changed her name when married in case I was confused and didn't realise she was ...

Blocked. Easy.

Cyclebump · 22/06/2014 14:06

I've ignored a few people I never want to see again. (High school is a time I've tried to forget.) I still live near our old school and I often see people from our year group, especially when they're home for big holidays like Christmas.

I've crossed the road to avoid them and, occasionally, been a bit freaked out to see particular people. DH knows why as he knew some of them too, he holds my hand if I need it and never makes out that I'm being stupid.

I don't care if some of them have had an epiphany and/or are sorry, I want nothing to do with them.

YANBU OP.

HazleNutt · 22/06/2014 14:09

I've had the same. When I ignored them, I got PMs - "oh, don't you recognise me from school?"

Of course I do, that's why I'm ignoring you.

RedRoom · 22/06/2014 14:33

You don't need us to decide who you should accept Facebook friend requests from IRL, surely? If he isn't an actual friend, and you have no nice memories of him, why are you even considering whether or not to add him? I'm unimpressed by the number of people who are 'friends' with people they don't like, just to boost their numbers. Don't be one of them.

Dolcelatte · 22/06/2014 16:01

I think you should accept, if it doesn't upset you, in order to get closure and show you've moved on. Perhaps he feels guilty or perhaps he doesn't realise how he made you feel. I wouldn't publicly humiliate him, but maybe PM and tell him how he made you feel. If he has kids himself he may now realise.

I see from other posters that some people have not changed for the better with the passing of the years, but I would like to think that some do. After all, you were just kids, perhaps he witnessed domestic violence and that influenced how he responded to others?

But don't do it, if you feel uncomfortable in any way.

Tweenangst · 22/06/2014 16:04

Well op of course if you are not happy then do not friend him. I was physically attacked by a boy in secondary school. He attacked many other people, but I was the only girl to get this treatment. I can honestly say it effected me for years. I had a friend request and message off him about five years ago. It was the most heartfelt apology I have ever seen. He included his wife and parents in the message also as I think he felt he needed to explain to everyone what he had done.

I wrote back to him thanking him for the apology. His wife then wrote to me to thank me for forgiveness! I think this poor guy had suffered a lot more for his actions than I ever did! Anyway, long story short, he is now what I would consider a good friend and looks after my rental property for me as I live abroad, and won't take a penny for any work he does. Sometimes there can be a happy ending.

Thumbwitch · 22/06/2014 16:11

I'm in the "block and ignore" camp, I'm afraid. Some people can change, some people don't. But I don't want to take the risk.

IF you're feeling generous, send him a message - if not, ignore and block.

QuietTiger · 22/06/2014 16:14

I had a similar senario to you, OP. I had a friends request from a woman I'd been at school with who had been an utter and complete bitch to me-making my life a misery - to the point I had serious self esteem issues for years as a result.

I took great delight in replying to her at length telling her exactly what I thought of her behaviour at school and told her I had no desire to be friends with her because I had managed to put my school years of hell behind me and that I had no wish to reopen old wounds by being in contact. I then took great delight in telling her I was happily married, in a great job and very happy. All things she and her vicious cronies claimed would never happen to me because I was too ugly/fat/spotty/unlikable etc. etc. It was very cathartic.

I don't think she wanted to be friends to make amends. From the things she wanted to still pick on the un-confident, shy 16 year old that I was.

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/06/2014 16:26

Even better to respond

'Sorry, do I know you?'

'Nope, can't remember you - are you sure you went to X school?'

'Are you really really sure?'

'You must have been pretty quiet then, or I'd have remembered you.'

Guitargirl · 22/06/2014 16:27

You should do what makes YOU feel better, if you would feel as though by accepting you can demonstrate that have moved on with your life and have grown to be a happy and confident adult despite the bully's treatment of you then go for it.

If you think that every time you see his comments/pictures or whatever it will make you unhappy then don't.

Different people will get closure in different ways. For me personally (not that am on Facebook), I would have no interest in sharing details of my life with someone who was not only not a friend but who was an active problem in my life, even though it was a long time ago.

I don't do the Facebook thing but I do admit to having a guilty moment of schadenfreude when on visits to my parents I see the girls who used to be unpleasant to me at school because I was a bit of a geek and definitely not 'cool'. They are all in places in their lives I would definitely not like to be.

IAmANightOwl · 22/06/2014 16:52

I've been lucky enough not to face this on Facebook as I am on there in my married name but I did have this happen to me on a similar website. Bully had the cheek to friend request me and I was horrified! I just ignored it and have since since the rough bitch woman in question out and about in my home town (she didn't recognise me). I came to the conclusion that she had such a high opinion of herself that she thought that everybody would want to be her 'friend', regardless of how she had acted in the past. Delusional or what! Just ignore and block him.

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