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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my 'D' P that he's a shit Dad?

37 replies

Beemer30 · 21/06/2014 19:09

V v long story but today has simply pushed me over the edge. Everything comes before me and our two children. He's having zero input into their lives and upbringing and is happy to just sit back and let me pick up the slack. He's been asleep all this morning and most of this afternoon and does this regularly on the weekend. If he's not sleeping he's on the net constantly and generally ignoring the kids. He can muster the energy to do stuff if it's going to benefit himself exclusively. I'm having real problems with DD 2.11 at pre school at the moment because of her behaviour. I also have a 6 month old. Tbh I've got use to him being crap towards me but I'm sick of him being a crap Dad to the kids. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so am a SAHM and I think because of this he thinks it's ok for me to be doing absolutely everything. I'm really upset right now it's been particularly bad since our youngest was born 6 months ago.

OP posts:

squoosh · 21/06/2014 19:11

I'm amazed you haven't said it yet!

He sounds useless, lazing around in bed all day? Fuck that.

BravePotato · 21/06/2014 19:13

He is a shit dad and a shit partner.

Original poster

Beemer30 · 21/06/2014 19:14

I can see history repeating itself as his own father is exactly the same. I know my MIL is not massively happy but she has no way if getting out.

OP posts:

KnackeredMuchly · 21/06/2014 19:15

LTB.

ViviPru · 21/06/2014 19:16

Give us 5 reasons why you love him and couldn't live without him....

Original poster

Beemer30 · 21/06/2014 19:19

I went to the park earlier and seeing other Dads interacting with their kids made me so sad. I don't want to fail my children but I feel I am at the moment trying to juggle everything and my own shit MH (whole other thread).

OP posts:

Coco0123 · 21/06/2014 19:20

Sounds just like how my exh was. Believe me, life as a single parent is easier and so much happier than having to put up with this kind of shit.

Original poster

Beemer30 · 21/06/2014 19:22

Something very very traumatic happened to us 4 years ago as a couple. Prior to all this we were very very strong and happy. We have a lot on our plate financially now. I've known him since I was 14 and have spent 10 years of my life with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beemer30 · 21/06/2014 19:24

I already feel like a single parent tbh I wouldn't notice much if he wasn't around. He works away a lot so I'm well used to it.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 21/06/2014 19:43

You aren't failing your children at all... but he is.

Runesigil · 21/06/2014 20:07

Someone on another thread said they wrote down every daily task that needed to be done and showed it to their DP who had just not realised how little he did for the family and was mortified.

Talk to him, he sounds as though he's trying to 'escape' family life by hiding online or sleeping, but he could be simply unaware of what his actions are doing in practical terms.

ikeaismylocal · 21/06/2014 20:14

He sounds shit, well actually he sounds more than shit, if you were a single mum you'd at least get some time off from the children when they were visiting their dad.

As your youngest is only 6 months old why don't you just put the baby in bed next to him? Give the baby a selection of noisy and hard toys, I'm sure your dp will soon wake up! Also just keep saying to the 2 year old "why don't you go and play jumping on the bed with daddy?"

He can only opt out of parenting if you do all the parenting. I would take the kids into the room he is sleeping in and breezily say "I'm just going to the shop to pick up some milk, back in half an hour, buy kids!" ANd then go to a cafe and drink coffee for an hour.

Ignoring the children is just not ok, poor children and poor you :(

Original poster

Beemer30 · 21/06/2014 20:19

I did actually go to the shops this morning once he has finally got up. I left the 2 year old with him but I would absolutely not leave the baby with him. I came back to find DD eating crisps, house upside down and him sat outside on his phone. This afternoon he managed to sleep through DD smearing shit on the wall and me going nuclear

OP posts:

ikeaismylocal · 21/06/2014 20:27

I have never said this before but I really think you need to leave him. If he is unable to keep a toddler or baby safe he is not worth having in your lives. My 10 year old sister can keep my toddler safe and entertained for half an hour (with me in another room in the house) he is not unable to look after his children, he is unwilling to even try.

Whatever has happened to him in the past is not an excuse for opting out of his children's lives whilst still living under the same roof as them.

Original poster

Beemer30 · 22/06/2014 09:06

But how can you just leave when you have a massive mortgage, big debts, kids and hardly an income yourself?

OP posts:

Icimoi · 22/06/2014 09:08

I take it you've talked to him about this? What does he say?

Original poster

Beemer30 · 22/06/2014 09:29

There isn't a lot to say we have been here time and time before. I'm thinking about getting in the car today and just buggering off somewhere.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 22/06/2014 09:32

Could you mil talk to him ? Does he realise you mean it ?

halfwildlingwoman · 22/06/2014 09:36

I think your MH would improve if you didn't have him to worry about as well as the DC.

Why don't you try telling him how you felt about watching dads at the park? Point out how much he would get out of enjoying his kids.

redexpat · 22/06/2014 10:01

Doing the maths from your post... you're 24. Yes 10 years is a BIG chunk of your life. But you know what, you are probably going to live until you are 90-100, so suddenly 10 years doesn't seem so much does it?

Do you want to stay with him, and work it out? Are you prepared to do that work? Is he prepared to do it? Or are we looking for how to get you out with the best possible outcome?

Nanny0gg · 22/06/2014 10:44

He sounds shit, well actually he sounds more than shit, if you were a single mum you'd at least get some time off from the children when they were visiting their dad.

You think he'd want them? You think he should actually have them? The OP would be worried the whole time!

Beemer30

I honestly think you two need to sit down so that you can ask him for his ideas on how to best manage the split. That will wake him up. Won't make him improve, but will make him see you're serious.

But you need to contact the CAB for advice on what to do next.

thedancingbear · 22/06/2014 10:50

He is a shit dad and a shit partner

LTB

I don't see how people can make this sort of judgement based on a one-sided post 100-word post on an internet forum.

OP, you say He's been asleep all this morning and most of this afternoon and does this regularly on the weekend. You also say that you have a massive mortgage. It just occurs to me that he may be working his absolute arse off to keep you out of hock and is just exhausted?

mytimewillcome · 22/06/2014 11:01

I was in the same situation where my husband checked out of family life and was sleeping all the time. I have two children under 5 and I didn't trust him to look after them. I threw him out but all of a sudden he wants to be involved again and he now sees the children on his own twice a week because basically I am being forced to. I still don't trust him and now I have no choice but to let him have them. However I am alot happier being a single parent but it is hard.

JohnnyBarthes · 22/06/2014 11:36

I'm inclined to think ltb, but dancingbear asks a very good question.

Original poster

Beemer30 · 22/06/2014 11:59

I'm 30 years old. We have a big mortgage as in overall amount but it's only a quarter of our JOINT monthly wage due to the fact that we are saddled with it for the next 33 years. We have other debts due to a v v expensive hobby of his which we can't afford. He's tired cause his diet is crap and he stays awake most of the night watching TV or on the net and generally acting like he's a single bloke with zero responsibility.

OP posts:

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