To cut my dad out

[flixybelle]

My parents split when I was young and my dad never bothered to keep in touch until 3 years ago. (22 years of no contact) I wasn't bothered about finding him but he got in touch and he now texts me every friday and we see each other every few months.

My issue is that I have asked why he never kept in touch and he just said he didn't no apologises nothing just fact. On the last 2 visits he has really annoyed me criticising parents in general and my own parenting (e.g. disagreeing with my girls going to catholic school, the way I 'mollycoddle' my dds) Today he came for a visit and said so many things to piss me off Firstly I work with young offenders and he had some very uninformed ideas and basically blamed the parents etc etc.
Secondly he told me that I couldn't close to my sister(different dad) as I was to my brother (his and my mums son) because we weren't proper sisters!!
AIBU to think if you don't bother raising your children you don't really get a say in how they raise their children and if you aren't a parent (which IMO he isn't) then criticising parents is off limits and that my sister is my sister regardless of blood and I don't regard my sibling as less or more than each other.

I don't feel like I benefit in any way from him being in my life he is an obligation and he just pisses me off and takes up time. I don't think I could be mean enough to tell him I don't want to see him anymore but can I just ignore him or is that childish?

Not at all.
life is too short to waste your time on people you dont like just because they happen to be related to you. You owe him nothing.

Does he bring happiness to your life? Do you enjoy the time you spend with him? Does he annoy you more than he makes you feel good?

IMO, he has been given a fantastic gift - the chance to have a relationship with a daughter that he doesn't really deserve. If his response to that is to refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing on his part for not keeping in touch with you, criticise you and your family and antagonise you over your relationship with other members of the family, then you should get shot. He doesn't sound like he appreciates the opportunity he's been given.

Sounds like my dad!!

He's good at telling you how to do this and how to do that however he's never really had the ability to practise what he preaches!!

Just take him with a pinch of salt, I mean, like you said, he knows nothing really, does he?

And the comments about your half sister are very hurtful! She's still your sibling and you grew up together. I would be horrified if someone told DD that DSD wasn't her real sister!

I'd suggest keeping in contact but seeing him infrequently. Cutting contact might be something you regret later.

He adds nothing to my life I just feel stressed and annoyed when he visits.
Rainbow that's what worries me, my dh dad died after 20 years of no contact and he was really devastated.

That is something I hear people say quite often. They're worried about what might happen when it's 'too late'

I can't speak for everyone, or every situation, just my own experience and the view it gave me. It may be of no help to you at all.

My dad was devastated when his horrible, abusive father died. They'd been nc for about many many years but made contact a few years before his death, as the result of another family member passing away.

My dad wasn't devastated about the loss of this man, this particular human being, this individual who had treated him the way he had treated him. There was no oh my god, I've lost the man who punched me in the face, whatever will I do without him...

What he struggled with was the idea that he didn't have and never had had a father, a proper father, a good father who showed him love. He would never get to have the discussion with him that he wanted to have, there was no chance for him to tell his father how he felt. Not that he would have listened or even cared anyway, so it would have been a waste of time. My dad would have had all that whether he had been in touch with his father or not. But being in touch with him also gave him a few years of upset at the hands of his dad that he wouldn't have had if he had just binned him again.

So he suffered more for having him in his life and it didn't make things easier after he died. It didn't give him a father who loved him, it didn't give him answers, it simply gave him that individual who treated him the way he'd always treated him. On his death bed, his father turned his face away from my dad and was more concerned with the fact he wouldn't see his daughter's dog again.

Having witnessed all that, I would never get or stay in touch with someone because I feared I might feel bad when they died or something.

So I would say don't stay in contact out of fear you might regret it, because it won't help. If you want to stay in touch, you need to try to change the relationship. Just suffering him in your life is of no benefit to you. You'll be left with the same load of emotional stuff to wade through, regardless.

Thank you Hecate.

I suppose all my questions have been answered so there is little point hanging onto the relationship. I don't feel I missed out not having in my life as a child I was never bothered tbh. My mum re married 12 years ago and her new husband is a wonderful granddad to my dds.