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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my Mum is expecting to much of me?

20 replies

CarCiKoTab · 21/06/2014 13:40

I'm currently pregnant with my 4th, were in the process of moving house and sorting out our holiday amongst other things regarding this pregnancy and the rest of the DC (General life).

I'd say my life is genuinely quite busy on a day to day basis, however my younger brother has just left school and my Mum is expecting me to help him find a job, help him find accommodation and also do whatever else that pops into her mind. I talk to her daily and there is always something new to add to the long list of things she wants me to do. I just can't do it any more! I feel stressed about problems I shouldn't feel stressed about because they are not my problem. A week or so a go I was trying to help her sort the child tax credits out and before I knew it anxiety had set in I'd worked myself up and was snapping at my DP and DC and for what? The issue still hasn't been sorted out because it feels she expects me to do all the leg work and basically do it for her even though I have gave her a simple step-by-step guide to sorting it out!

I'm writing this out of rage and so probably sound really unreasonable but I feel she is being unfair but regardless I'm still left feeling the strain and weight of her problems. Don't get me wrong I don't mind helping people especially when they help themselves but, my Mum has got herself into these sticky situations and there is nothing I or anybody else for that matter can physically do to help or resolve her issues.

I can't have my brother live with me whilst he's looking for a job it's against our tenancy agreement and, there is simply not enough room!

My head feels like it is about to explode! I needed to vent because I don't want to snap at my Mum I know she's struggling but even if I do help her and lay it all out, so it's a lot easier for her she still doesn't sort it out and I'm left listening to another day of what she wants me to do, I just don't know what to do now.

Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/06/2014 13:45

I take it she's on her own? Is she elderly? Working?

By the sounds of it you are doing more than enough.

And your DB should be looking for his own job!

mimishimmi · 21/06/2014 13:46

YANBU. Call once a week. She's an adult too... she has to sort it out, you have your own family.

CarCiKoTab · 21/06/2014 13:48

Yes parents divorced so she is on her own, she's approaching 50 and she does work.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/06/2014 13:51

Approaching 50 is not elderly.

Just tell her you've not got time and she'll have to sort it out herself.

expatinscotland · 21/06/2014 13:56

Tell her you don't have time to it! 'Mum, I have my own family now. You need to do this yourself or get an appointment at CAB.'

CarCiKoTab · 21/06/2014 13:57

I didn't mean 50 was elderly I was just saying yes to the fact she's on her own sorry if that came across wrong.

I've tried that but I'm not very good with my words therefore I end up getting my head bitten off mainly because I begin to lose my patience.

OP posts:
CallMeExhausted · 21/06/2014 14:01

To quote a famous "mumsnet-ism"... No is a complete sentence.

When she tells you to do something, say no.

He is your sibling, not your child. He is your mother's child, and if he is incapable of managing his own affairs, then either your mum needs to manage them or find a trustee to do it.

Don't let the lines be blurred any longer. You could risk your tenancy, your family, your marriage and your well being.

Groovee · 21/06/2014 14:03

Why does your brother need to find accommodation?

Littlefish · 21/06/2014 14:06

My mum is 70 and wouldn't expect me to help with the things your mum is asking you to do. I'm only 4 years younger than your mum and wouldn't dream of asking anyone else to do things for me.

If your brother needs help, he can go to the citizens advice bureau. The same goes for your mum with the tax credits stuff.

Only say yes to the things that you have the capacity to do.

Just tell your mum that you aren't able to help her.

ElBandito · 21/06/2014 14:30

YANBU My parents are not on their own but they are in their 70/80s and stand on their own two feet. A few years ago mum toddled down to the tax office and got herself advice on her tax return. Advise was about something I was actually an expert in! But she didn't even think of asking me Confused

MexicanSpringtime · 21/06/2014 14:46

I know eighty-year-olds who are more capable than your mum.

She has got used to you doing all the thinking and work, so she is convinced she can't do things. The only way she will find out that she can do things is when you learn to say "No".

CarCiKoTab · 21/06/2014 14:50

You're all right. Looks like I just need to say NO!

OP posts:
Mabelface · 21/06/2014 15:35

Not your shitbox, as a good friend of mine says. Don't let it in yours, and dump it all back in hers. She's only a few years older than me and if she's managed to raise you and your brother up to now, then she's quite capable of sorting her own crap out.

CallMeExhausted · 21/06/2014 15:42

A friend of mine is Polish and has a saying he always uses when someone tries to drag him into something...

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I like it :)

CarbeDiem · 21/06/2014 16:23

OP yanbu. Your dm is taking the piss.

Ha ha callme I use that too.

Timeforabiscuit · 21/06/2014 16:29

Call me - I'll be using that line.....frequently!

Fluffyears · 21/06/2014 20:29

I use the circus and monkeys line. My mil is a nightmare and expects weekly driving round (cos obviously cars don't cost anything) and saves all her post for dp to open and deal with. 'Oh I can't fill in forms I don't know how!' Eh well do what we all do and follow the instructions!!!

ZenNudist · 21/06/2014 20:41

Shock At list, lengthening daily. Do a handover, listing everything 'outstanding' you're meant to be doing for her, handing it back.

The less she does the easier her life becomes the more she puts on you dressed up as inability when actually it's laziness.

Tell her one woman with a job has more time to do things than you with your 4 dc!!!

She will make out like she is hard done by at first. Stay strong. You'd be doing her a favour teaching her to stand in her own two feet!

MaryWestmacott · 21/06/2014 20:50

"no mum, I've no time, you and DB will just have to sort it yourselves. I've also not got time for the other things you asked me to do, I could do with help myself, don't worry, I'm not going to ask you, I know you've got too much on your plate."

I'm guessing you've been trained from a young age to be the older one who 'helps'. You don't have to.

CarCiKoTab · 22/06/2014 00:25

Really sorry I haven't replied. Callme I'm using that phrase I like it too! It's really awkward because she starts off moaning about these issues next thing I know I'm trying to help her out with them! I don't know how it even comes to that, I think it may be a means to keep her quiet but that obviously isn't working.

New tactic "Just Fuck Off and sort your own shit out or is that too harsh?"

OP posts:
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