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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my marriage is over.

11 replies

ICanSeeTheSun · 21/06/2014 03:37

I just cant do this no more, I am scared and worried about the future but my husband is making me so unhappy.

I need to get out of this relationship, all he wants to do is go on the computer.

he doesn't spend any time with me or our DC. I am getting nothing out of this relationship

i am sick of talking suggesting relate and trying to fix something that is not able to be fixed.

what do i do to sort out the mess that is my life.

OP posts:
Happybeard · 21/06/2014 04:10

Sounds deathly boring. I think a lot of relationships become this way and too many people just accept it as the norm. You are right to want more.

Ideally you would work at the marriage but he would need to put in effort too and it doesn't sound like he wants to.

You only have one life.

Original poster
ICanSeeTheSun · 21/06/2014 04:13

i know, I don't want to be the bad guy that ended the joke of the relationship.

i feel a fool, how could i have wasted 11 years with a man whom i have had 2 DC and married.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/06/2014 04:13

You leave and begin really living. First thing you need to do is sort out finances. Determine what your income is (or will be) and what you will need to live on. Many lawyers provide free consultation to get you started.

You haven't provided a lot of information. I see your US flag, but you also mention Relate, which is a UK thing so I assume you're in the UK. Do you work? Does he? Are there benefits you can claim to enable you to leave? Can you get him to leave? Have you sat him down and told him you are done and want out?

Original poster
ICanSeeTheSun · 21/06/2014 04:18

I do work, the tenancy is only in my name ( just didn't get around to it) I am uk....usa flag is for the world cup.

OP posts:
Happybeard · 21/06/2014 04:20

Yes get a clear picture of all finances as is amazing how a seemingly brain dead man can become incredibly switched on and engaged when it comes to protecting "his" finances after a break up.

Then sit him down and tell him it's over and start your life Grin

Silvercatowner · 21/06/2014 07:43

Relate (or independent relationship counsellors) don't just have an agenda of fixing stuff. Go (on your own) and say what you want to happen and a good counsellor will support and guide you. A few times, my OH (relationship counsellor) has had a person telling their partner they want a divorce actually in his counselling room.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/06/2014 14:29

Then it truly seems you'd be better without him, if all he does is basically take up space in the house sitting at the computer. Does he add anything at all to your homelife? I know my DH & I spend more time on our laptops than we really should, but we do still talk to each other & do things together. It all depends on you, really. At this point do you feel enough for him to want to even try to fix what's wrong? Not just if he will agree to counseling per se, but do you really even care anymore one way or the other. That's what you need to decide.

If the tenancy is in your name and you have sufficient income, ask/tell him to leave. Or, if you still care enough, tell him that things must change or he will HAVE to leave.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/06/2014 14:33

Oh, and thanks for the flag. We seem to be doing surprisingly well (so far!). I was actually supporting England but I guess I'll have to switch my allegiance now.

Supporting = drinking champagne if they win. Grin

Original poster
ICanSeeTheSun · 22/06/2014 16:19

Or drowning your sorrows if they don't :)

Decided to give it once last chance. A lot of talking over the weekend. We even watched tv together last night which was the first time in forever.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 22/06/2014 17:29

Either way as long as I get Champagne, right?

Glad you're talking. If there's a spark, it's worth trying to fan back into flame. Maybe you two could start by agreeing to spend a certain amount of time doing something with each other or as a family each week. Maybe start with an hour two nights a week (board games, TV, walk for ice cream?) and either a Saturday or Sunday afternoon (movie, family drive, picnic, sports match?). I do really think that people get addicted to computer-time so he'll need to wean himself off. But I also think that he'll realize how much fun he's having (I'd start by concentrating on things he'd enjoy then branch out) and how good it is to be with his family.

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