Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed with my DP

33 replies

Asterisks · 20/06/2014 16:27

I am going to try to keep this as short as possible, but it may require some exposition.

My DP just got a new job because he hated his last one. I am a stay at home, so I don't have an income (this was something we discussed and he suggested). When he started the job, I asked him to speak to HR or accounts payable about exactly what to expect for the first paycheque as I know sometimes this can be a bit wonky as they are adding new employees into the system. Because I am not working, money is a little tight and I just wanted to be prepared for exactly when we could expect money coming in.

A bit of background: my DP has a history of making assumptions and getting it wrong. For example, I asked him about something to do with his student loan. When I followed up with him about it, he very clearly explained about how his work would arrange everything, essentially. I looked into it later (I can't remember why) and found out that what he told me was completely wrong. When I confronted him about it, he said that he "thought" that was how it was done. This is only one of many examples, most less serious than this one.

This was the same. He was meant to get paid today. Cue this morning and no new money has gone into our account. I asked what's happened and he tells me that he's not sure and that the guy he sits next to swore that this was payday. Eyes narrowing, I asked him what HR or accounts payable had told him. Turns out, he didn't ask them. I asked what his manager had said. Turns out, he didn't ask her either. Nope. Even though I specifically asked him to talk to someone in charge, he thought that it was just as good to ask some random colleague and just assume that guy would know what a new hire in a new team could expect.

So obviously I am frustrated. I am trying to keep my cool, but this is more a "straw that broke the camels back" kind of thing. I have spoken to him before about his habit of doing this, so it's not like he is unaware. When I asked if he understood my frustration he said "Of course I do. We're broke." As if that's the problem I have with this situation.

He thinks I am over reacting because it was just a mistake. I think I am being completely reasonable because this specific kind of mistake happens regularly and we've spoken about it in the past. I am angry that he dismissed me and essentially lied to me. So, am I being unreasonable? Should I just shrug and say "mistakes happen" and let it go?

OP posts:
Asterisks · 20/06/2014 16:29

OMG! I have written so much! I tried to keep it short.

OP posts:
Boudica1990 · 20/06/2014 16:32

Maybe he was a bit concious or worried about asking about pay at the start of a new job. Maybe he dosnt have the confidence to walk up to his manager to ask such questions so turned to a.colleague?

Does that sound like him?

WooWooOwl · 20/06/2014 16:37

If you're going to let him be the breadwinner, then you need to let him get on with it in his own way. There is clearly a better way for him to have handled this, but then he may sometimes think that he would handle the children in a different or better way than what you choose to do, and he would have no right to try and control or change the way you do things.

It works both ways.

He may have learned from this mistake, he might not have done, but either way he needs to learn it for himself, and you having a go at him isn't going to help. You need to work together to get it sorted and to work out how you're going to manage without wages this week.

Asterisks · 20/06/2014 16:41

That's a good point about being nervous Boudica, but he is not usually a shy or reserved type. He is very confident with new people, and he's usually very personable.

Also, I'd probably argue that if he was uncomfortable with asking about pay then he should have said that to me directly rather than lying to me (even by omission) about it. I would have been able to explain that I need that information to manage our finances properly and would have worked with him to make sure we were prepared for this transition.

I guess it's because this has happened so many times in the past and we've spoken about it before that I am really angry. If this was the first time he'd ever done something like this, I would have just said "oh well, the clouds have already rained" and just moved on.

OP posts:
InThisTogether · 20/06/2014 16:41

I have one of these OH's, genuinely hopeless with money and organising things. It's v frustrating and v unfair but unfortunately if yours (like mine) has a history of such behaviour, you may not be able to change him.

Let it lie for a bit, you might find you see things more clearly. I know I have a tendency to see 'everything he's ever done wrong' when in fact in hindsight it's been just 'one thing he has done wrong'. Then i can make a more informed decision.

With my OH it stems from insecurity and general ditzy-ness rather than malice. But either way it's frustrating when you need to pay the bills!

Hope you get it sorted!

Asterisks · 20/06/2014 16:43

WooWooOwl -we discuss raising the children together. If I do something he doesn't like, we talk about it and determine the best way to go forward together. I don't do things he doesn't like and I certainly wouldn't just decide to ignore his suggestions because I thought I knew better or it was too much effort. I'm only asking the same in return.

OP posts:
Asterisks · 20/06/2014 16:45

InThisTogether - thank you. And yes, it isn't about malice. He doesn't think things all the way through.

But I do know that on a couple of occasions that he has mislead me to cover his tracks when he realized that he was wrong about things like this. That may be why I am so sensitive to it now, because I don't like feeling like I can't trust him.

OP posts:
Boudica1990 · 20/06/2014 16:46

Maybe he was worried you would shout at him I'd he told you he was uncomfortable with asking, so wouldn't be asking/didn't ask?

If it something he does often,I think you just have to accept that's him, at the end of the day we take our DP/DH warts an all. Not everyone's perfect. I know I'm not, and I must do things that piss DP off royally like leave my shoes by the door, and he trips over them constantly, but no matter how much he tells me not to, Ikeep doing it. He has never shouted at me for it though Blush

trevortrevorslattery · 20/06/2014 16:50

Ugh I think he's an idiot. DH's brother is like this - will just lie fob off rather than say "no I haven't asked" or better still, getting off his butt and asking. YANBU at all.

GoringBit · 20/06/2014 16:52

On a practical note, if you think the delay will take your account overdrawn or over its limit, do tell your bank. They should be able to apply a (revised) limit if needs be, rather than risk unpaid items or excess fees.

Asterisks · 20/06/2014 16:52

Boudica - I doubt he'd be worried that I shout. I don't shout. I don't yell. I usually take a step back, work things through in my head until I can get to a good place and then we'll work to make things right.

I am not perfect and don't think I am. I also don't expect him to be. I just don't want to be the nag and I don't want to be lied to. I guess maybe that's where I am being unreasonable. This kind of obfuscation feels like dishonesty, or at the very least, that I can't rely on him to do what he promises me.

OP posts:
Asterisks · 20/06/2014 16:53

GoringBit - thank you! I will give them a call now.

OP posts:
Etah · 20/06/2014 17:02

I can relate to this. I know it's very frustrating.

Asterisks · 20/06/2014 17:13

Thanks, Etah. I am just feeling so deflated now.

OP posts:
Asterisks · 20/06/2014 17:14

Thanks, Etah. I am just feeling so deflated now.

OP posts:
Boudica1990 · 20/06/2014 17:14

:(

Boudica1990 · 20/06/2014 17:15

Ffs phone!!

I would just tell him.how disappointed you are and frustrated that he didn't ask, and leave it at that.

firesidechat · 20/06/2014 17:31

I don't think not having enough money to pay the bills is quite the same as tripping over shoes or leaving the top off the toothpaste tube.

Also just because the OP is a sahm doesn't mean she can't have a discussion with her partner about the finances. The OP and her partner have different roles but, as she's already said, they should be cooperating on all aspects of their family life.

GoringBit has good advice about contacting the bank and I would go with that as a first practical solution. Can't really help with the partner issues though.

firesidechat · 20/06/2014 17:32

Why are some posters having a go? The OP has a perfect right to feel deflated.

KnackeredMuchly · 20/06/2014 17:34

Why does it matter?

firesidechat · 20/06/2014 17:39

Maybe because some families are on a very tight budget and live for the next pay day. Maybe the OP wanted to know what they were dealing with this month. Maybe because her partner didn't take it seriously and the OP does. Who knows, but all valid reasons to want a rant.

Asterisks · 20/06/2014 17:48

Thank you firesidechat. I don't know why this wouldn't matter? He said he would do something, he didn't do it, mislead me and there were negative consequences. That seems like something that would matter.

OP posts:
KnackeredMuchly · 20/06/2014 18:14

No where did you say it had negative consequences, just that you were mad he hadn't followed your instructions.

Asterisks · 20/06/2014 18:23

The negative consequences are that we didn't actually get paid when he claimed we would. As I mentioned, money is a little tight so not having money when we were expecting it is kind of problematic.

OP posts:
Asterisks · 20/06/2014 18:56

Thank you all for your advice. I just want to say that my DP is, for the most part, an amazing man. He has provided me with so much and I love every fiber of him.

He's not perfect, but he's wonderful.

It's just this perpetual habit of his that drives me batty sometimes.

OP posts: