To be furious with dp for discussing issues with my ex-dh with his dd?

[Cluelesslulu]

I am so mad right now, last night dp let slip that he has shared things I've told him in confidence regarding my ex-h's relationship with his 17 yo dd. AIBU to think that it's absolutely none of her business?

The sort of things I have told him are about my personal feelings of hurt and also concerns about my dc's emotional welfare during the breakdown of my marriage 5 years ago.

My ex-dh has behaved very badly since we split and we have not spoken for 4 years, but he still sees my youngest ds regularly ( the others are older and can see him whenever they wish).

Things my dc's have said in the past make sense now, my dp's dd obviously has been title tattling to them about things her dad has shared with her that I've told him assuming it's been in confidence. I realise now it's been like Chinese whispers......

How do I make it clear to him that this is unacceptable and get him to understand why? He's very defensive regarding his dd and she can do no wrong in his eyes, so I feel I have to tread carefully.

Well, re your last paragraph, she hasn't really done anything wrong, so her not being able to do anything wrong on his eyes doesn't matter. The fault is with him for discussing it with her. So you solve the problem by telling him you don't want it discussed with any of the children.

Not at all unreasonable to be pissed off. Just tell him, non-compromisingly.

Are the things he's told his dd things that might help her understanding of a difficult situation and therefore improve her emotional well being, or are they things that she has genuinely had absolutely no reason to know?

It's hard to know whether he's entirely unreasonable without knowing the situation more. I can understand why you would any things shared, but I can also understand why a parent might tell an older child personal things about their immediate family to help build their emotional maturity and to help their understanding of why certain things are happening and why other family members feel the way they do.

DD will grow up soon and have no interest whatsoever in tittle tattle about her DF's DP, too busy with her own life.

Men are gormless sometimes imo.

I share things with my dp, as you do, that are emotionally hurting me regarding my exh's behavior. I fail to see why he thinks it's appropriate to tell his dd. I suppose it's my own fault that I didn't make it clear that it was for his ears only, but I really thought that was a given.

His dd is very opinionated and my concerns are she will repeat personal stuff he's told her to my dc's, things that they really do not need to know about mine and their father's marriage.

I will have to stop confiding in him I suppose.

Obviously I've no idea of the nature of these conversations, but it may be the case that your partner thought he was standing up for you. His daughter may have brought up the lack of contact etc.

I'm not saying he was right, but it may not have simply been malicious gossip.

That's a good point Apocalypse, thank you. I suppose I shouldn't judge till I've talked to him. He's very protective of his dd and not open to any critisism of her at all, even when she is absolutely out of order, so I have my work cut out I think, but I will have to try as this is a real issue for me.

What is or is not family business is always going to be a big issue in blended families, isn't it? What you might consider is discussing expectations for the future at this point - it may just cause conflict to argue about what's already been said.

I think it depends on the context of him telling her - was it something that came up in conversation? Was she asking him? I don't think it's necessarily wrong per se, but if you thought you were telling him something in confidence and he didn't see it like that, then you need to agree who can share what with whom in order to avoid any future misunderstandings or upset, and this includes your partner's daughter sharing information with your children.

Good advice Apocalyse and Dojo, thank you. I will have a chat with him this evening and try to set some rules about what is open for discussion with all of our dc's and what is just between myself and dp. He clearly didn't realise I suppose. I'll let you know how it goes.

Do that, and best of luck!