to refuse naughty toddler a bedtime story? tips needed urgently!

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

The twos are definitely terrible in this house. Not helped by the arrival of a sibling, but mine has now started becoming aggressive and hitting/kicking/pinching and shoving her baby sister/me/even other children at groups yesterday. She is now screaming in her bed after i told her no story if she didn't stop being naughty, and she hit her sister again so i didn't read one.

really need some advice from anyone who has successfully tamed a violent toddler. She runs off gleefully to the naughty step like it is a game, then says sorry and does it again. Threats don't work at the time I make them, but certainly upset her when they are realised, like now. But I don't know if she actually makes the link and just don't know what to do about her behaviour! Help!

forget the naughty step as it is not working and maybe she is too young as the point is for a child to reflect on their behaviour

at this age you need to act there and then, she has no idea why you are punishing her now and getting frustrated

then at times it is not worth the battle, pick your battles

sorry not much use

The threat needs to be immediate and relavent.

No bedtime story is a threat I give dd if she fools round while im getting ready for bed. I ask her "would you like to behave and get a story or carry on being naughty and not have a story?" She invariably picks the good option.

Wrt to hitting, that needs to be instant and exactly the same every time she does it. Id suggest

*1st hit/kick similar : dd, stop hitting. We do not hit in this house. Say sorry to your sister. Say what you are sorry for. Now give her a hug. No more hitting or mummy will get really cross.

Heap on masses of praise and positive attention for saying sorry and for now playing nicely.

*2nd hit/kick similar: ive alreasy said we do not hit in this house. Sit on that naughty step until I say so.

If out an about: 1st incident: play nice or you will have to sit next to me for the rest of the toddler group. 2nd incident: sit her next to you for the rest of the toddler group.

If out and about,

We have similar issues with the naughty step, (DS is also 2)so have swapped it for "Sit on your bottom" (DS has to sit on his bottom on the floor until he says sorry / whatever)

It appears to be the 'punishment' they use at nursery so we adopted that and it seems to work better than the naughty step

I'm pretty sure I got a light smack on the hand when I did something naughty as a toddler. Not hard, just enough to get their attention and let them know they're being punished. Then the famous "How would you like it if your sister did X to you? Then don't do it to her" speech.

Long term punishments like no dessert that happen after the fact are a bit too far removed from the crime.

and of course praise

if ds was about to do something he should not be doing I told him he had the choice to do something good or something not so good and most of the time he choose to do something good. This was when he was a little bit older but I did find it worked (and still does he is 6 now)

I used to use no bedtime story as a punishment, but realised it was counter-productive as it is a really good way of calming everything down and ending the day happily.
In your shoes now I would choose a short bedtime story and say that if she is ready in five minutes, or brushes her teeth nicely (or whatever) you will read the short story. Stress that the longer / favourite stories are for when she has not wasted the time the story needs...
That's what I would try...

I'd just be consistent and she'll soon make the link, and keep explaining why she is not getting the story. Sometimes, only very sometimes, if I felt DS1 hadn't quite understood why he wasn't getting a story and got upset I'd compromise and sing him a very, very short song instead to calm him. But definitely still no story if that was what was said.

We still use the this technique, he's nearly 4yr old, and it works really well (so far!). Good luck

Also address why she's acting up.

Some will be boundaries but also for attention.

She needs consequences just when she is being naughty. She won't remember now why she is being punished.

Stop any fun activity when she acts up, if she doesn't stop after being warned.
Say DD hits her sister.
You: If you don't play nicely/gently, we have to go home/ I have to take x toy away.
DD stops - success praise her.

DD continues:
You: remove her, go down to her level.
"Hitting hurts. Please play nicely or we'll go home."
When she's calm, send her back and praise nice playing.

DD continues/ or hits again after 5 minutes.
You: I have warned you, we are going now/ I am taking X away. We can come back tomorrow/next week, you can have it back in ...., when you remember to play nicely/ be gentle.

Go down to her level, try to stay calm. A great trick I read and now use, is to let her know that you understand her feeling (however unreasonable/childish/ impossible).

"I know you are cross, because X has the toy you want."
I know you are sad, because you don't want to go home yet".
It is a great diffuser of toddler rage, because you re-assure them that you understood them.

Are you able to spend one to one time with her, so she gets 'good' attention?

Sometimes children are naughty just to get attention.

I wouldn't upset the bedtime routine to implement a punishment for the reasons Hacked and Ptracti gave. Bedtime should be calm and settling. I have also used bedtime chats to tell DS what he did well that day and what he could do better the next. I think it is important that a child feel secure and loved at bedtime.

She may also be having feeling she doesn't know how to handle. Jealousy etc. Talk to her, explain it is ok to have big feeling but needs to find a different outlet.

I think you've handled it really well just as you described. IMHO the only thing you need to do is keep going.

Poor DD though, it is hard for them when a new sib arrives. Lots of hugs too.

Thanks for all the advice. I had to go in and sing but she is asleep now. I should clarify, it was at bedtime that the no story threat was made and ignored- mostly because i don't want to send her downstairs to the naughty step, which is during the day! I may try sit on your bum though, that's a bit more portable!

can anyone with two reassure me-is the second toddler as bad? Her sister is a much easier baby, i am really hoping she won't be such a brute when she gets here!

My DD is 19months.

When she misbehaves I put her down/ anywhere away from me.

E.g. If we are on the sofa and she hits. I first tell her no and if she does it again I'd put her on the floor and ignore her. Or if we are playing in the sitting room, I put her on the other side of the baby gate for a minute or two.

She hates it! And it seems to work so far.

DC2 is due just after her 2nd birthday, so I'll be in your position soon!

I second/third/just generally pile on with everyone saying not to implement a punishment that punishes you more than her. If you've planned an activity to burn of some energy or just get out of the house for a change of scenery, then don't use not going as a threat as you might have to follow through. This applies to story time as it's a really nice way to wind down and get into the right state for sleep, whereas no story just compounds the issue as they start getting worked up about it right before bed.

I bought a book called 'Hands are not for hitting' (although I'm sure there are a billion others which would do the job) and we read it every night and talked about why we don't hit. When out, if he hit someone, I would say 'What are hands for?' and he would reel off the list of things from the book, which would give him the opportunity to calm down and then we could have a sensible talk about it which was much more likely to result in an apology. We took the book out with us for a few weeks, and if he hit then he had to come and sit with me and we would read it, so it was a kind of time out, but it reminded him of the rules and didn't escalate the situation into anger (which would often result in more hitting) but did reinforce the fact that you cannot play and have fun if you hit - you have to sit quietly with mummy until you can demonstrate that you remember the rules.

It took a long time, and was HUGELY frustrating at times, but it did work, and now he hits a fraction as often as he was, and apologises readily and sincerely if he does.

Good luck - it's so frustrating when they laugh at you or just carry on with behaviour that you KNOW they know is naughty, but consistency is key and also, just to really hammer it home, don't make their punishment a punishment for you!

I often find that when my kids are behaving at their worst , spending more time together helps . Something as simple as a bath together - or styling our hair ; something involving touch makes all the difference .
Seems to work on the 2yr old as well as the teenager .
So I would never refuse a story . Reading isn't a treat !

Off to google that book, thanks!

I generally try not to take away anything from my boys that I deem good for them. Ie bedtime stories, sport and church activities. However things like the xbox, tv, sweets I'll ban gladly! My dcs are 15, 8 & nearly two. X

She's got a lot of change to process. I have a 2.2 gap and ds turned into a demon when dd arrived. Mainly because I couldn't give quite the attention he needed and I expected far too much of him

Dd is the age that ds was when she was born and I look at her and realise I was too hard on ds and needed to amend my approach. More praise more specific praise and showing her what to do work the best.

I would tell DS that I got to choose the book if he was bad, and he got to choose if he was good...

Absolutely it is wrong. Deep inside that is showing your own frustration with behavior. Bedtime needs to be a safe place and end the night with a favorite story that will help them sleep. Never allow a child be in bed afraid, angry upset etc. The story is a routine that ends the night and let's them know they are in a safe place.

IF they aren't getting in bed on time that is a whole separate discussion.

She's only 2yo and just had a new sibling arrive. I'm not surprised she is acting up. I would completely change tactics and look at Sarah ockwell Smith gentle parent second baby book. The behaviour is communication. Yes put in consequences and have boundaries but be aware she has had huge changes in her life.