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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this to him again?

30 replies

Really1 · 19/06/2014 07:30

Il try & keep this very long story short.

Been with DP for, well about a year. After 6 months of us dating I just wasn't "feeling it", he's older than me no kids (I have 2 girls from previous marriage) and he was piling on the pressure re moving in, more kids in future etc.
We split up for a few months due to me feeling like he was going too fast but kept in contact- friendly texts etc and after a lot of questioning if I did the right thing, and him not backing down, in dec we started dating again.

Fast forward 6 months & I'm starting to question how I'm feeling again :(

He's a great friend, reliable great with my girls but I just don't feel that I love him or if I ever will?
I'm constantly questioning how I'm feeling and trying to justify why I like him to myself.

I feel trapped because I don't know if I'm in too deep? I know that if I ended it it would be the end of our friendship too and id come off looking like a physco because it looks like I'm flirting between one emotion & another.
Plus my girls love him & I feel like the worst mother in the world taking someone away from them who they've got to know.

Truth is I'm not entirely sure I'm over my marriage breakdown, on the surface I am but behind closed doors I cry often.

I'm lost :(

OP posts:

HecatePropylaea · 19/06/2014 07:46

I think, based on what you say here, that it sounds as though you already know what you want and how you feel. No amount of hoping, analysing, wishing or pretending is going to change that. You don't love him. For whatever reason, you need or have needed him. But that's not love.

when you say he didn't back down, do you mean that he was putting pressure on you to restart the relationship?

GoringBit · 19/06/2014 07:50

OP, I don't have any advice for you, but have you posted this in Relationships as well? There are some very wise people there. I hope you get some support and help to work through it. Good luck to you.

wineoclocktimeye · 19/06/2014 07:56

Can you imagine yourself still with him in 5 or 10 years time? How does that make you feel? That might help you make what's obviously a difficult decision.

Original poster

Really1 · 19/06/2014 10:28

Thanks, no I haven't posted in relationships but will do thank you.

Hecate: I wouldn't teally say pressure just making it hard to cut ties. We work together which makes the situation even more difficult!!!!

Wine o'clock: as terrible as this sounds- for security I could see me with him for the long term but not love no. I don't have a big desire to cuddle him or kiss him etc. I don't find myself emotionally attaching to him if that makes sense?
I don't know if love grows or you in time start to love someone as I've only ever been in love once and it was my first and only (exdh).

Ughhhhhhh

OP posts:

UrethraFranklin · 19/06/2014 11:22

Don't carry it on in the hope that you'll grow to love him. It doesn't work - he'll get in deeper and you'll still be wondering whether you can ever grow this emotional attachment. I've tried it myself I've given things a go with friends who I knew liked me - I liked the men as friends, as people but I just couldn't ever grow the attraction. When they started to get romantic, I'd cringe when I should've been loving their attention. Give it a think but if your heads not in it, it's not going to work and it's not fair on anyone to carry it on for even more time.

And yes, you may be called out on changing your mind. I got called a 'tease' but I'd rather be that than stuck with someone that made me want to run away every time they flirted with me Friends, yes. Romance, no thanks.

Original poster

Really1 · 19/06/2014 12:02

I just don't know where to start with thinking about ending it though. There's no real reason (in his eyes) and working together makes it a million times harder :(
Also how do I know if I'm doing the right thing? I don't want to regret either desision.

OP posts:

Piffyonarockbun · 19/06/2014 12:30

My situation was slightly different in that there was no children involved. However i got together with someone years ago. Within six months i remember saying to my dad i was going to end it. i felt like you. i knew i didnt love him. He was a great friend but i was always trying to convince myself i liked him. I dreaded introducing him to friends. He just wasnt right for me.

I decided it was too hard to end it and spent 9 years of my life feeling the same way about him. We got on fine but i didnt like being intimate. It was like being flatmates. O even gave up on marriage and children as i knew i didnt want to do either with him . i tried to end it once and he reacted badly (by being very upset) so i backed down. A couple of years later i reached as much as i could take and just ended it. I refused to enter into discussion and just told him we were done. He continued trying to rekindle right up till when he found someone else.

I am now married with a baby and so is he. That wouldnt have happened for either of us if i hadnt finally done the right thing. I lost the whole of my twenties to a relationship that i knew was wrong within six months.

It would not have been hard to end it then compared to how hard it was nine years later. Dont think about anyone else. Youre not happy and thats the most important thing. You gave him a second chance, he cant ask for more.

Sorry about the epic post but i often looked back throughout the years and just wished i had ended it at six months

Crinkle77 · 19/06/2014 12:51

I know people say that sometimes love can develop over time and that you don't need that spark but I think it is important. If you don't have those feelings then ultimately it will make you miserable and you will always feel that there is something missing. It isn't fair to short change your self or him either.

misscph1973 · 19/06/2014 12:55

What is the Americans say - he's your rebound? You write that you are still not quite over your marriage breakdown, I think that is the real issue here.

Even if your DCs love him, it's not fair on him. But don't beat yourself up over it, these things happen, and I am sure you never meant to hurt anyone.

NoodleOodle · 19/06/2014 13:10

Give yourself the chance to be with someone who you do love. Staying with this person is denying yourself that.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/06/2014 13:17

I did exactly what you did, only worse, in that after I dumped him the first time, I made it clear I wanted him back.
(And then went off him again for the same reasons!)

I hope yours is not the same fella as mine was!

Anyway, friends told me that I had a chose between one or two months of feeling terrible, or 30/40 years of feeling terrible.

I split up with him, and although I still feel bad a bit now, several years on, phew, what a relief it is! He wasn't for me, and it sounds like you know now that he is not for you.

Be brave. There is a massive difference between being with someone you love, and being with someone 'meh'. Both of you deserve better.

Original poster

Really1 · 19/06/2014 20:10

Thanks for your kind replies I expected to be flamed (although not quite sure why!).
You have all given me food for thought although putting words into actions are easier said than done!
I'm going to loose a very good friend if I go through with it :(

OP posts:

HearMyRoar · 19/06/2014 20:22

I have been on the other side. I went out with someone who had big doubts after about 6 months. We split, I was devastated as very much in love. We then got together and ended up staying together for years. It was miserable! Looking back it was clear that he never loved me as I loved him. He would be hot and cold, I never knew where I stood. In the last couple of years there was no real affection and even the friendship that we had disappeared.

I genuinely wish he had been a stronger, more honest man and had the guys to walk away when we first split. Yes it would have hurt but I could have moved on rather then thinking that he must love me really. Instead I wasted years in a horrible relationship and still lost a great friend.

Really, it is unfair of you to let this guy believe you love him when you don't and never will. Let him go and find someone who does.

ImperialBlether · 19/06/2014 20:31

The thing is, I just don't know how he can be crazy about you if you're not feeling crazy about him. I can't imagine feeling I wanted to be with someone if they didn't want to be affectionate and seemed to be dragging their heels about a deeper relationship.

I think you'll both be happier with someone else.

Original poster

Really1 · 19/06/2014 20:44

Imperial: I get the impression he is in love with the idea of having a girlfriend/ the whole settling down thing.
I have been going with the motions hoping the love would grow (for me) but I don't feel the spark.
I couldn't ask for a nicer guy to be honest but he doesn't set my world alight. I didn't know if I was expecting too much?
This is why I feel so bloody awful because as I said I feel like I'm going to come off looking like a physco!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 19/06/2014 20:47

No, you won't. He shouldn't have persuaded you to start again. If he still wanted you, he should have withdrawn in the hope you'd realise what you'd missed.

PrincessBabyCat · 19/06/2014 20:51

If you don't love him, you don't love him. It's not fair to him to lead him on though.

I've met some very sweet guys, but we just had no chemistry.

Let him down gently, or have a serious talk about how he feels about the relationship and be honest with him that you're just not feeling it. He might feel the same way.

ivykaty44 · 19/06/2014 20:52

Stop worrying about your girls, people will Always come and go in life, it is part of life

You don't love this guy so get out now and let yourself be free and him to find real love and hopefully happiness

Give yourself time yo get over this relationship before embarking on another

noneofyours · 19/06/2014 21:53

Don't ever settle OP, it won't end well.

If you feel trapped then it sounds like you know what you really want, best to do sooner than later.

Original poster

Really1 · 22/06/2014 07:07

Thanks ladies. I've not seen him this weekend (not too unusual as I don't see him every wkend) but I have been a bit "off" with him when texting/talking as I just don't want to do it completely out of the blue like I did before.
I think he thinks something is up but I'm not sure, I just feel sooo awful and a complete bitch.

OP posts:

Frogisatwat · 22/06/2014 07:30

If you have been 'off' with him then you need to end it sooner rather than later. I have been on the receiving end of the 'offness' and it churns you up inside.
I know its not easy. Be brave and set both of you free.
People go on like this for years and quite often the disinterested party will meet someone who does give them fireworks. ..and the impetus to end the ailing relationship. Leaving the other person blindsided and devastated. Do it before this happens.

60sname · 22/06/2014 10:06

Don't forget you don't need his permission to end it... Sounds obvious but I think easy to forget.

EllaFitzgerald · 22/06/2014 10:49

I think it is possible for love to grow, but if you haven't felt it start growing by now, then it's probably safe to say that it's not going to happen. You aren't expecting too much if all you want is to love and fancy the person you're in a relationship with, that's basic stuff. You don't want to get to the stage where the thought of him touching you makes your skin crawl. That isn't fair to either of you.

You have nothing to feel bad about. Just end it kindly, cleanly and firmly, making it very clear that you can't be talked into giving it another go. That might make him happy, but it's not just about him. I suspect the relief you'll feel when it's done will tell you you've done the right thing.

noneofyours · 22/06/2014 12:37

Agreeing with Frogisatwat, it does churn you up inside and fucks you over much worse than the breakup. Sooner than later, hope you've managed to end it OP.

Frogisatwat · 22/06/2014 19:06

You are not a bitch but if you don't end it feeling as you do then... well..
sooner please.

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