My only family has abandoned me

[PourquoiTuGachesTaVie]

This is what my 20 year old brother has just said to me.

I want to throttle the little shit. He has been living at our sister's house for 6 fucking months rent free, with no bills, no food to buy because he has zero income. Yes my sister is a mug, she knows this but she felt sorry for him.

He is a lying, thieving, childish man-child. He can get aggressive and I've seen him behave towards my sister in ways that if he were her boyfriend instead of her brother, I'd be doing my upmost to remove her from such an emotionally abusive relationship. She kicked him out last night as she finally had enough.

He has told my sister that he would never ask to live at my house because I hate him. No, I don't hate him. Furthest thing from it. I just won't put up with him lying and stealing from me and he knows it.

So now he says he is sleeping on the street and the jobcentre won't help him for 2 months. I call bullshit. AIBU?

He needs to start treating "his only family" well, then.

Everyone has the right to be treated with respect, that's all you and your Sister are ensuring.

Perhaps a few nights in a hostel will help him to value you all.

No parents or other relatives? How did he end up living with your sister?

Job center don't deal with housing he needs you local housing office

Yes he is bullshitting you

This sounds like my BIL, he is incredibly self centred, probably stemming from the fact he was always the favourite growing up, something my MIL was happy to tell everyone, she even took him on a foreign holiday and left my DH and his two other siblings behind!
MIL died last year and now that there is no one to put up with his crap anymore he's finally starting to grow up. (He's 32!)
If your brother has been living with your sister for 6 months then he should have sorted himself out at the job centre before now, it's his own fault and he should be left to sort it out, maybe it will make him accept responsibility for himself.

Agree with first Poster. If people mean something you treat them nicely. Otherwise find out they might treat you as you have them once they have enough.

Sorry op. He'll be ok.

He can go and sign up with the Big Issue, who will give him help and support and not take any crap.

Sounds like he's about to get a short, sharp lesson in being an adult!
Generally people are supposed to be grateful that someone is helping them out...

This is the best thing for him.

I'll bet her never thanked her, did any housework or cooked dinner - that's what a grateful person would do.

He has to grow up now and stop intimidating your sister.

The language we use reflects our subjective perspective.

He may feel "I have been abandoned"

But until he can get to a point where he can recognise it was more a case of "I abused and drove away" .. life will probably not be easy.

The sooner he gets there the better. Becuase there can come a point where a highly subjective persepctive gets fixed into place and a person can get stuck in a victimhood of their own making.

His best hope for not seeing himself as constantly "abandoned" again and again, is to move to a more objective view. One where he works out he is not an innocent bystander in his life, but the archtiect of much of what ails him.

Hold tight. It's hard. Few have an easy time of putting somebody they care about on the road to Damascus. But either the scales fall from his eyes, so he can get his family back, and set himself up well for future relationships... or things could go very badly for him relationship-wise long term.

I am so sorry. It is really really hard and you have my every sympathy. You can maybe try helping him see the "drove away" reality, with a heat free letter. He may not change his POV right after reciept. But it might be something that later on he'll be able to reflect on, even if it's quite some time in the future.

Mum died when he was 18 and I got back in touch with our father (after 15 years no contact) so we could send my brother to live with him. We really had no choice because the stealing and lying had been going on before mum died so I wasn't prepared to have him live my sister or I.

He left dad's 6 months ago because he discovered he couldn't bully my dad says he got kicked out and turned up on my sister's doorstep. As he had no way of paying her any rent, she said she wanted him to cook and clean and Aussiemum is right: He wouldn't do either without an argument.

Thanks gordy for the info about the Housing Office, I didn't know that.

I have just received a barrage of messages from him saying amongst other things:

I just need support for a while until I can start working! I know it stressful to have someone in the house who isn't working but if you had helped me I would of repaid the favour 10x. No my family just give me shit and kicks me out when they have had enough

I want you to be my sister and help me

I'm homeless Pourquoi I need the help you gave dsis years back

I need help for a few days by being put up somewhere

So he wants to move in with me for a few days, or weeks, months etc. To sleep on my sofa. Not a chance in hell. I have a three year old and I'm 17 weeks pregnant. I do not need the stress this is causing me.

And btw, the help I gave to our sister is that I paid her deposit for the rent on her flat and let her put any expenses for moving into her own place on my credit card. All of which she paid me back for in full which I knew she would because she has always worked. He seriously thinks I can do the same for him or let him live with me given everything he has done?

I'm so angry at him. Thank you all for your advice and letting me rant here!

This might be the wake up call he needs

He's going to have to grow up at some point. It would be better now than later.

Give him the numbers he needs to call to get something sorted out, possibly even give him a lift to the job centre, but that's it, no more.

Luckily there is a job centre within walking distance of where he is. I've told him he needs to contact the housing office but now he's saying they won't help because he's not disabled, elderly, has children etc. I didn't rise to the bait and just told him that they will know where the local hostels are and that there is nothing else that i can do for him.

How on earth has he grown up expecting everything to be handed to him? My sister and I have worked since we were 16 and none of us were ever spoilt or entitled. We grew up in council housing, no inheritance, no help at all. I just wish I could get it through his thick head that he needs to stop this "poor me" attitude.

Help him help himself.... And that's by staying strong- he's a grown man.. If he needs a lift to a shelter and your willing then fine, if he needs someone to sign a document saying he really has nowhere To go then fine.. But sleeping on your sofa for an unknown period of time? Not fine. 'Lendig' money when for the foreseeable future he will have no means of repaying? Not fine. Be strong

If he 'just needs support for a while until he starts working', it's interesting that that's what he had at your sister's and it got him nowhere. Now, to try to be fair, the employment market is very bad for young people at the moment and there aren't lots of jobs going. However, he has had 6 months and from the sound of it was not a good houseguest. That's the problem here. If he hadn't behaved ungratefully to your sister, he wouldn't be in this situation now.

Ok, so your brothers being a tit, of that there is no doubt. But like you, he lost his mum at an early age, and developmentally it's probably hit him quite hard. excuse the mass generalisation some Boys take longer to grow up and it sounds like your brother is a few years behind where he needs to be. I would be worried about letting him ramble around without a safe roof over his head. I don't know where you live but easily lead boys can get into serious trouble very quickly anywhere.
Is there a way (perhaps in a few days when everyone has had a chance to cool off) that you could all meet up? If he wants to live with your sister, or any family member, he now needs to sign a contract. He needs to have the house rules written down and agree to them, sign the contact and then have them enforced. I.e. he needs to look for work every day and provide proof (like the job centre will ask him to do). He needs to Hoover, be up by a certain time, not steal! Rent will not be changed when he sticks to the rules, fines added when he breaks minor ones, and be thrown out when he breaks a major one.

Even if he only lasts one week, you can at least say to him, we tried mate!

Not sure what I can add except more

I really feel for you. My experience of people like this is that they go on using their relatives until all their credit runs out, and then they wail and moan about unfair life is. The only advice I can offer is to assist your brother in dealings with hostels etc, and to keep in mind that you do NOT have to feel that he should be living with you. If he steals and does nothing helpful, why should he expect to?

ffallada - I don't really think you can use the 'boys take longer to grow up than girls' card for a 20 year old.

If he has to wander round getting into trouble to see the need / benefit of growing up then so be it. We girlies are not put here to make everything right for our menfolk, brothers or otherwise.

I love the 'rent will not be charged when he sticks to the rules' bit. Wonder how many landlords and banks would consider that?

OP, you think you can't take him in. If he has no respect for you and you have other things going on in your own life you are perfectly entitled to say no. Your sister has obviously had enough and he has certainly had long enough living with her to work out what he needs to do to stop sponging of his womenfolk.

Your only response to his email can be a sort of shoulder shrug... and I want you to be my brother and to become an independent adult rather than using us to the point of exasperation and then blaming us for your own behaviour.... but I appreciate that that is a really tough call.

It is entirely your call. No-one here can tell you what to do, or judge you on what you choose to do. Good luck.

He has had a lot of chances. With my mum and my sister. Although I've never let him live with me he has had help from me in the past taking him to places to stay, letting him do his washing at my house and stuff like that.

He's done the "You said family were supposed to stick together and help each out" line now too. I said that to him after he had pissed dsis off and I was trying to get through to him that he should be a bit nicer to us!

He hasn't replied since I said there is nothing else I can do. I feel like he is trying to manipulate me and dsis with the things he is saying. If he were a boyfriend/partner then there'd be red flags all over the place. I feel responsible for him but I also don't feel I'm being fair to myself by thinking that. It's just hard walking away but I can't see there's anything else to be done unless he does something for himself for once.

So you have made your decision. Are you going to support your sister in not taking him back? I would assume he is tugging at her heart strings too!

You know that would fall into the category of family helping family, but I doubt he would see it that way. You may be in for a rocky ride.

You are right, he is trying to manipulate you, he will be vaguely desperate and very disbelieving... after all your mum and sister helped him out, it is someone's job to do so!

His life really isn't yours to fix. He is your brother, not a dependent child. Good luck standing firm and in finding a way to get him on his own 2 feet.