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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to come to the beavers/cubs bbq not my inlaws

49 replies

chocoholic05 · 18/06/2014 11:17

In a couple of weeks down my dc beavers and cubs are having a family walk followed by a free family bbq. My boys have only joined this year so havent been to this annual event before. They were really looking forward to it. Their friends are going. I was looking forward to it too. All the parent were saying how good it was last year. The letters were given out last week and need to be returned by friday so they know numbers.
On sunday we went out with ny pil then back to their house for tea. Mil mentioned dh sister and bil are coming down in a couple of weeks tine did dh mention it (he hadnt) and i assume youll all be coming. Yes thats fine i said. It was only when i got home I realized its the same date as the bbq and walk.
When I mentioned it to dh his reaction was thats a shame we will have to miss the bbq! But actually I dont really want to! We see pil atleast every week. Go round a minimun of once a fortnight often more. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoholic05 · 18/06/2014 12:07

Great idea except mil kept going on and on about how much sil will love the boys. How she will notice how much they've grown etc etc. So I don't think its dh she actually wants there!

OP posts:
LemonSquares · 18/06/2014 12:09

My dh won't tell her because he knows as well as I do she will NOT be happy

Same reason my DH had - so when I tried to talk directly to MIL about it she didn't hear as I was too gentle worried about causing offense. Next time I'm stating what's happening - I've found this works better even if there are strops everyone gets over it fairly quickly or I ignore.

MaryWestmacott · 18/06/2014 12:11

Chocoholic - ignore that, your MIL is lying, if SIL really, really wanted to see your boys, she'd have called you not MIL to arrange to visit. MIL wants SIL to want to see your boys, not the same thing.

If she says that, then go with the coming over in the morning idea, or offer to have everyone to yours for a brunch/early lunch, on the understanding they all have to leave at 1:30 so you have time to get to the cubs thing...

LemonSquares · 18/06/2014 12:14

I agree with MaryWestmacott.

Several times had situation where MIL insists a certain family member really wants to see DC - we go and it's painfully obvious they are not that bothered and it more about MIL wanting to show the DC off. Actually wanting to show DC off isn't an issue - but a shorter visit would be better and not at expense of more fun things for the DC.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/06/2014 12:15

Just tell them it doesn't work for you, offer an alternative that does, be calm and firm and absolutely unmoveable. MIL can get the fuck over it if she doesn't like it. Your kids - who want to go to the BBQ - take priority.

donteatthehedgehogs · 18/06/2014 12:16

As your children get older, relatives need to understand that they are people in their own right, not pets. We are very family orientated but you have to strike a balance so sometimes the children will have things that are important to them and other times they will have to forego things will enjoy for the sake of family.

It definitely sounds like its time to take a stand.

FryOneFatManic · 18/06/2014 12:38

OP, I feel the beavers/Cubs event should come first, it was already committed to. Your boys are looking forward to this, as you are too. They have friends in these groups and those friendships need fostering.

And it's a one-off, annual event. Your SIL has cancelled before, so can re-arrange if needs be.

And your DH should grow up and tell his mum that you can't make it, offering one of the excellent alternatives other posters have suggested. He wants you to do it so he won't look the "bad boy". Well, tough, it's his mum, he tells her.

CPtart · 18/06/2014 13:11

Yanbu. Do the BBQ. Ds2 had to forego his first beaver camp a few years ago as he was expected to attend MIL birthday instead. We see IL every birthday, Xmas, new year etc etc so one birthday wouldn't have mattered. I 've regretted it ever since and wouldn't make that mistake again.

Original poster
chocoholic05 · 18/06/2014 14:00

The thing is my dh will not ring her about this. I know it. Left up to my dh he will just leave things as they are not say anything and we'll end up going to pil because nothing was said otherwise. I'm going to have to ring mil

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 18/06/2014 14:45

Would it be evil to pick up DH's phone tonight and text MIL from his number? You've told her as he asked - but she'll ring his mobile back.

Or is that too double dealing? Confused

zipzap · 18/06/2014 14:47

RIng up MIL and 'just check' that DH has remembered to tell her that you're not now coming as you were already pre-booked but did she want you to bring around the cakes or not for elevenses...

If she says no, can't do elevenses, then say oh that's a shame, give our love to SIL. And if she then says no, you're supposed to be coming to tea then just say, no, sorry, dh was supposed to have explained all this to you, we already had a prior commitment and we can't make it, sorry, but give our love to SIL.

Sooner it's done - if sil wants to see the dc then she might decide to rearrange or she might be happy to have a nice day with pil. Her choice.

And maybe tell sil directly first too - using the same 'just checking' technique - that way you can tell MIL that sil already knows she is seeing the dc for elevenses or not at all and is happy about it - thus taking the wind out of MIL's sails.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/06/2014 15:43

Can't you go to MIL's on Sunday morning?

whois · 18/06/2014 15:49

zipzap has it right. How is this such a big deal??

kickassangel · 18/06/2014 15:54

Your DH is being a complete wuss who is relying on you to give in rather than face up to his mother.

How you deal with it is up to you. Can you just sit him down, tell him that you and the ds's are going to the bbq, and how he deals with that is up to him, but you will NOT be going to MIL, and you will NOT be the one telling MIL.

If it ends up that on the day he is still hopefully hovering around, expecting you to fall in line, then will you have the nerve to gather up the kids and stick to your plan? He can decide whether to go with you or go to MIL, but either way he will have to deal with it.

kickassangel · 18/06/2014 15:55

and let's not forget, SIL happily cancels, so MIL can't be that dreadful to tell about these things. Your DH is being incredibly spineless about this.

Floggingmolly · 18/06/2014 16:10

Why can't you take them to the BBQ with you, or are spaces limited?

BiddyPop · 18/06/2014 16:10

I LOVE Zipzap's way of wording it!!

redexpat · 18/06/2014 17:28

can they not come to the bbq too? id ring the leader and see if they can find 2 more sausages for pils.

PenguinBear · 18/06/2014 17:59

Like the suggestion up thread that you're helping and need to be at the BBQ :)

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/06/2014 19:21

just phone her and let her know you can't make it. It's a five minute call.
You'll feel much better when it's done.
You can see Sisil in the morning if you like.
Or not.

EvaBeaversProtege · 18/06/2014 19:32

Just tell her.

Jeez, stress city.

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN · 18/06/2014 20:50

Just tell MIL that you're only available as a whole family until 1.30pm because the DC have an event that you're already committed to and then go and have a lovely afternoon with the DC Smile

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN · 18/06/2014 20:52

Just rtft, scrap my suggestion and do what zipzap said Grin

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/06/2014 11:01

Did you / DH talk to MIL yet?

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