To want my birthday present to be about me

[newfiechops]

It is my birthday soon so dh asks me what I want. Now we have had very little money over the past year as dh been unemployed. He started new job in May. We have really struggled financially and most of my clothes have holes in and lots of things in the house are broken because we haven't been able to afford to fix them. So I have asked for practical things like a new kettle (lid won't shut on ours so I have to manually turn it off) new plastic tubs to use for laundry (handles broken on current ones and pees me off every day I use them). You get the gist. Dh has said that Iabu that I am obviously trying to make him and the dc look bad! I thought the point of a birthday present was to make me feel good? We have had a row about it and I have said that I will be really upset if he buys me frou frou this year and that I would rather have nothing. (True).

I was tidying my dd's room today and found my present. It is a bottle of diptyque perfume from spacenk. If we had pots of money I would love this present but when your bras don't fit and your pants are all Holey and you haven't got any money to buy more it seems crazy! He has a history of buying me expensive unwanted presents - last year it was a Windsor and Newton art set and collapsible easel (I have no artistic talent and have never said I would like to paint watercolours!) this cost a fortune. He then 'lost' the receipt so I couldn't take it back. The Christmas before he bought me an slr camera from self ridges that was very expensive and takes crap pictures! I already had a digital slr and had asked for a point and press cheapy camera to keep in my handbag. He refused to take the camera back so now I feel I have to use it as it was so blooming expensive. I would be interested in your opinions.

I do feel a bit sorry for your DH actually.

We often read complaints on here about people whose OHs don't put any thought in to presents or who get them really unimaginitive things. Yours sounds like he is trying his best to get you something he thinks will be really nice or a genuine surprise and you keep being a wet blanket and saying you would rather have something quite dull like a laundry basket or a kettle.

Sorry! But that's how it comes across to me anyway.

Maybe you once made a throwaway remark that made him think you would like a crack at painting! I dunno, but it shows he was thinking of you having hobbies and free time and stuff. And perhaps he genuinely did think the camera he got you was better and you would be pleased with it.

I take on board what you said about there being things you really need and would rather have. But I agree with lottiegarbanzo, could you ask for something a bit less grim than a laundry basket but still useful? Maybe a voucher to treat yourself to clothes that you could choose.

yes it's the not listening, diddl - plus we really can't afford to spend sixty quid on my birthday present - the car is about to pack up and needs £250 spending to fix it. Haven't got £250 quid. Would rather have bottle of cheap body lotion and put £55 towards to car repair. I genuinely would not care if I didn't get a present, but accept that the dc might feel bad about that so a token gesture would be acceptable.

You see 5foot5 I dont get this attitude at all. You (and her husband) are basically saying to the OP 'what you want for your birthday isn't good enough, it demeans me to have to buy it. I dont care what you wnat. If I'm buying you a present it has to be something that I appreciate'
Its HER birthday. This is what she wants. A new kettle and laundry tub will actually make her life a lot more pleasent. Surely this is the sign of a good gift. Its so patronising to assume as the giver that you know best and that another adult doesn't know their own mind. Why should she change what she asks for?

5foot5 I do get your point - i remember reading a post from someone that had never received a present from her dh, poor lady. But DH doesn't put any thought into these presents. He buys them in a last minute panic from a shop wherever he happens to be at the time. He works in an area where there are only expensive type shops, so that's what i get.

Perhaps you could ram home the point about usless gift's by giving the perfum to him for his birthday.

Thing is that eveb if OP had mentioned taking up painting, there's no need to get an expensive set to start!

And as for buying a "better" camera than OP wants.

If it doesn't serve the purpose thatOP wants it for then it isn't "better"!

YANBU.

I wanted a cheap cd player/radio once, DH bought me a super duper one that I now feel I have to keep, when I don't actually like it. I wanted one I could sling in the car to take to use at the kids parties, take into the garden and not worry about. I have got this really amazing sounding thing (apparently - I can't tell the difference) with too many fucking buttons all over it that can't be moved from the kitchen, and I can't spill anything on it, etc etc.

Wow I feel better for that rant. In fact you have inspired me to order a cheap crap one from Argos like I wanted all along!

Keep perfume. Give it to him for his birthday. When he says he doesn't want it then you say nor do I. Let's take it back and put the money towards fixing the car.

You see 5foot5 I dont get this attitude at all. You (and her husband) are basically saying to the OP 'what you want for your birthday isn't good enough, it demeans me to have to buy it. I dont care what you wnat. If I'm buying you a present it has to be something that I appreciate'

No that's not it. It's not necessarily anything to do with how the giver thinks it reflects on them. It could be to do with wanting to get the person something you genuinely think they would like but which they would never dream of asking for because they feel they need to be practical and sensible.

We get this with MIL. Ask her what she wants for her birthday and she will usually say something really uninspiring like "a pair of oven gloves" or "some new weights for my kitchen scales". Well maybe she needs oven gloves but she might actually quite like a book or a dvd or a nice plant as well. She wouldn't ask for the frivolous thing but that doesn't mean she won't like it if we get her it. And the oven gloves as well!

I just think there are some people who feel they shouldn't ask for anything nice that is just for them when they can see that there are other things more pressing. But sometimes it is nice to get the unnecessary, the treat. Isn't that what the OPs DH is doing.

I know you are entitled to your own point of view, OP, but you're not a function of the house, but if you encourage your family to see you that way, eventually it will bite you on the arse.

We often read complaints on here about people whose OHs don't put any thought in to presents or who get them really unimaginitive things. Yours sounds like he is trying his best to get you something he thinks will be really nice or a genuine surprise and you keep being a wet blanket and saying you would rather have something quite dull like a laundry basket or a kettle.

But the art of present-buying is empathy for the recipient. You buy the person what they want, even if you think it's boring, or ugly.
Insisting on buying what you want makes it about the person doing the giving.

I don't always ask for such mundane presents - it's just that these things need replacing and even though dh is working now, money is still very tight. as of now the following things are broken and need repairing in some way the car, the garden fence, both the showers, the kettle, the hoover, the floor cleaner, the fridge, the dishwasher. I have just found out that he has also sent me flowers on top of the £60 he has spent on the perfume. When times are good, in the past I have asked for a laptop, new bike etc.