Will try to be brief. Lived abroad with ex, where I had dd1. He gradually became more and more emotionally, physically and financially abusive which culminated in him nearly doing her serious injury when caught in the crossfire of one of his violent rages. I fled back to uk with dd when she was 2.5, initially living with my parents and then moving down the road from them.
During the two years I lived near them, they formed a close bond with dd and, together, we turned her around from being a non- verbal, angry toddler to the happy child she is today. I was also seeing my now dh in a ldr. We would have moved in together much earlier (been friends for years beforehand) but, as I had technically 'kidnapped' dd I was terrified about being forced to return to the country of her birth and felt I had to establish a place of habitual residence. The ex would come over for contact and I always felt I had to acquiesce - for example he'd appear at 2am and demand to sleep on my sofa. As you can imagine, this period was very stressful.
We've since put a contact order in place and now I live with dh about 4 hours away, he doesn't even come to the village, let alone to our house. Dd goes abroad to his country of birth (where he's since moved back to) for a week at Christmas, easter and summer in addition to his monthly visits. Coincidentally, my parents have a holiday home in this country. I've never been there (not particularly bothered) but they really want to take dd there.
This is where it gets difficult. I've agreed to this and said that they should make the arrangement with ex if they want to tag it on to the beginning/end of one of her stays with him. They know exactly what he's like - have both seen his tantrums and he once had a stand up row with my father at the Xmas dinner table. They're not particularly keen on him either. I find it very difficult to communicate with him, which is why I suggested they make the arrangements themselves. Their place is about five hours away from ex's hometown.
It has emerged that he's had to cancel/rebook his flight back to uk with dd in order to facilitate this so I'm now having to do the toing and froing of emails re Christmas/easter contact (he never makes it simple) in order that he can amend his flight Obviously this will 'cost him money' and he's making it clear that an enormous favor is being done here.
But here's the thing. Instead of meeting him halfway, or catching a fast, efficient train to get dd from his home town, my parents have offered to put him up for the night at their holiday home. I'm really surprised at this and very upset. We've worked so hard at establishing boundries and I think it will send a very confusing message to dd - not to mention how I'm feeling (Hey, you abused our daughter for seven years, now come and stay with us and dine at our table). They really put the boot in with the 'feeling sorry' for dd - she has a lovely home life with me and dh. She calls him 'Daddy' entirely of her own volition and he loves her and treats her as his own - as does my mil, to whom she is very close.
Dd knows (senses) what the score is. I never badmouth him but keep conversation at a minimum during handover and she had asked me why I don't like him, which was difficult but she had been assured that we both love her very much etc.
My parents just don't seem to understand why I'm so upset about this and think I'm being totally unreasonable.