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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really upset by PIL - big falling out

49 replies

cheerioscheerios · 15/06/2014 22:00

PIL live overseas and are here on a visit, they are fairly judgemental and tricky but I try really hard with them in general for the sake of DH and our kids - the final straw happened y'day, They were supposed to stay with us one night last week and found out y'day that they actually stayed in a hotel and got the rest of family to lie to us and pretend they had stayed with BIL and his wife- why would you do that when you could have spent a night with your grandchildren who you very rarely see?? It all came to a head last night and we (mainly me) had a big argument with them. I feel really hurt by how they have behaved (quite a few other things have happened to) but now I am regretting having an argument and feel I should have just let them behave badly and ignore it until they go home again. Just feel miserable about the whole thing tonight

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 15/06/2014 23:14

I don't see why they shouldn't stay in an hotel if they want to. Why did they lie about it?

Dontlaugh · 15/06/2014 23:18

Where they choose to stay is up to them.
YABU in your reaction.
HOWEVER, is there more to this?
Or as my sister would say, is there "previous"??

LittlePeaPod · 15/06/2014 23:39

YABU and over reacting based on the information provided. However, as others have said we don't know the back story...

Pumpkinpositive · 16/06/2014 00:11

Where is OP?

I hope she's not away somewhere slicing and dicing the in laws.

Iflyaway · 16/06/2014 00:15

Oh yes, my own space I.e hotel bed and bathroom every time!

Makes for pleasant visits all round.

PhaedraIsMyName · 16/06/2014 00:29

I don't like staying in other people's houses and I don't like people staying with me. Unless you have a huge house with no need to share bathrooms and several day rooms it's not a comfortable experience.

SweetsForMySweet · 16/06/2014 00:31

I think the op is upset because of the lie not because they are staying in a hotel. Why did they need to involve the whole family in lying to the op and her dh, it's very odd behaviour but reading the op back, there does seem to be more to the story that we don't know about. OP Try to make it up with them before they go home, invite them over or whatever and explain why you are upset and that you would prefer if they were honest with you in future rather than lying and you won't be offended. Don't leave it fester, it will only get worse if you don't sort it out. Family fall outs can rumble on forever if you let it and there are no winners. I hope it all works out for you

Alisvolatpropiis · 16/06/2014 00:36

I would imagine they lied and had others lie because they knew you would react badly. They were right.

mom2twoteens · 16/06/2014 00:51

My parents used to stay in a nearby B&B when they visited, it was easier all round. They'd come after breakfast and leave us after dinner or later.
However if they'd lied and got other people to lie about this. I'd have been really upset, it's like they've all been talking behind your back.

That's never good to know.

PhaedraIsMyName · 16/06/2014 01:07

The lying is odd. There was no need. Would you have made a fuss if they'd said from the outset?

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 16/06/2014 01:13

People don't lie about stupid things like that for no reason. They judged by your past behaviour that you would react in an aggressive manner to them not staying in your house and got everyone else to lie in an attempt to keep the peace. You then proved them right.

Don't create unnecessary drama and people will trust you to take the truth in a sane and reasonable manner. Until then get used to people tiptoeing around you with lies and excuses in an attempt to avoid your tantrums.

ComposHat · 16/06/2014 01:40

YABU

Blimey, I wouldn't fancy a night in your company either if your reaction is anything to go by. If you don't like particularly like them, surely them stating elsewhere is a blessed relief.

How did your husband react to you speaking to his parents like that over something unreasonable? I would be furious.

Wishfulmakeupping · 16/06/2014 01:47

The lying doesn't sit well with me why lie about it?! Very odd

wobblyweebles · 16/06/2014 01:50

What are the other things they've been doing?

I'd be pretty upset at being lied to as well.

musicalendorphins2 · 16/06/2014 05:01

But, you did see them, they just did not want to sleep at your house. Easier for you really, why are you offended?

ApocalypseThen · 16/06/2014 06:13

Is this the first massive row you've had with them? Do you have expectations they are failing to meet?

mynewpassion · 16/06/2014 06:27

I think this is one of those times where I would love to hear the PIL's side of things.

Delphiniumsblue · 16/06/2014 06:34

I think we need to hear more of the back story. So far I can see that they felt more comfortable in a hotel but knew that you wouldn't 't like it, as shown here, and so told a lie to spare your feelings. There must be more to it.

KatieKaye · 16/06/2014 06:39

What would you have done if theyd told you thy were staying in a hotel? Would you have still been annoyed?
If so, YABU.

MaryWestmacott · 16/06/2014 07:16

Yes, the question is, are you annoyed at them picking a hotel over staying with you, did they see you anyway during their stay (just not sleep at your house), or is it the lie that upsets you? And do you have a nice guest bedroom?

CustardFromATin · 16/06/2014 07:22

The lying was wrong. But of you really want your children to have a closer relationship with their GPs, then do you really think that having a blazing row was the way to achieve

diddl · 16/06/2014 08:21

The lying is odd, but maybe they thought that you'd make a big fuss/guilt trip them about not seeing the GC?

Sounds as if you don't like them so you should be glad they didn't stay.

Bet they would have been wrong whatever they did.

HazelBite · 16/06/2014 08:34

I dearly love my son and daughter in law, but when we go to visit I do not want to put them out, or cause my DIL any stress and always stay in a hotel.

The OP has children and one assumes, a busy person, she is obviously "sensitive" hence the lie, they were probably trying to cause her less stress.

The Op says the In Laws are "tricky" I'm guessing there's no love lost bwtween the OP and the In laws, and perhaps by staying in a hotel and trying to keep that fact from the OP they were trying to avoid friction.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/06/2014 09:14

You could read that as PILs being not very complimentary to BIL and SIL either,
"We've told DS and cheerios* we're staying with you so please lie" no they would rather stay in a hotel than with either. How did the lie get exposed?

I think the PILs fancied an undemanding night off from being visitors and preferred a night somewhere impersonal. Just explain you were caught on the hop and a bit shocked they felt the need to fabricate a web and wish they hadn't involved others. But you don't want their visit to end on a sour note.

PS What were the other annoying things?

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