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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand the need for father's/mother's day gifts

38 replies

m0therofdragons · 15/06/2014 21:00

Now don't get me wrong, I understand that it's a thank you but it's caused drama in our family that I don't get.
We have 3dc. Money isn't free flowing so dh and I agree that actually presents/filling the house with unnecessary stuff is unimportant. Today I gave dh a long lie in and time alone (I took dc out for 2 hours), then after lunch we all went out together, had fish and chips on the beach for dinner. That was it. I did buy dh a bar of chocolate but I do that occasionally anyway. Dc made cards.
Dh happy with this. He calls his parents and spoke to each individually and the first question they each asked him was "what did you get?" Mil also apparently bought dh's dad a gift from dh as she thinks it's wrong he doesn't do anything. Last year he sent mil a mother's day card and she asked if he'd forgotten to put money in! I just don't get it.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/06/2014 21:03

No-one actually needs gifts for any occasion

But I agree, home made cards/gifts from the children or breakfast in bed/dinner made by the children (or with their input) has certainly always been enough for us.

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 15/06/2014 21:05

Personally I'm with you but each to their own. Life's too short to worry about what others get up to on such occasions.

I spoke to XP and said I did not expect owt from DS (he's 3) for mothers' day and I wouldn't be doing a card for him either today. When DS is old enough then he can choose what he would like to make and do.

WiganandSalfordLocalEditor · 15/06/2014 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parakeet · 15/06/2014 21:09

Totes agree with you.

HesterShaw · 15/06/2014 21:11

Also totally agree with you. "Days" in all their guises have become ridiculous.

CallMeExhausted · 15/06/2014 21:13

It seems that every "holiday" is less about the day and more about conspicuous consumerism.

My DH here was only home for about 7 hours today - got in from work at 6:30 am and was back out the door at 1:15 for another 8 hour shift. While having his cuppa this morning, the DCs gave him the gifts that they had made - DD (8) made a coffee cup cover out of an old tie and a mat from recycled paper, DS (15) made him a little cannon paperweight.

He loved the gifts, particularly the cannon, because he knows the effort and thought that went into them.

As for extravagant gifts - that is the construct of clever marketing and playing on the idea that something is owed. I've never understood it, but I also think that the "Elf on a Shelf" trend is bollocks and the tooth fairy only carries coins.

Maybe I am a skinflint, but it works for us... and the DCs know that their efforts are appreciated.

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 15/06/2014 21:18

We take flowers/wine/beer when we visit pil but cash in a card when they're not hard up for money seems nonsense to me.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 21:24

My parents expect gifts and they do a lot for us, so i don't mind so much but... (i posted this on a similar thread so apologies if you have read it)

My dad is a present monster. He is an enormous child. he strops and sulks and tells people what he wants, which is never a 'token gift. He expects the same type of present for FD as xmas and birthday (so a £30-£50 budget). One year me, my sister and mum clubbed together for his birthday and FD and got him a Mies Van Der Rohe chair (which he had been coveting). It was a bit more than we'd spend and he doesn't usually like 'one big' present (as he likes lots to open) so i cleared it with him first (i said he could choose out of lots of little things from all of us for each event, or have one nice piece of furniture for his newly done study). HE opted for the one big thing. It came on his birthday (about one month before FD) and he loved it. On FD we just gave cards and he threw an almighty strop. 'I didn't think you REALLY meant you'd be mean enough to not buy me anything' 'i can't believe you'd all be so selfish and leave me with NOTHING for FD' 'you are all ungrateful and i'll remember this if you ever want a favour' etc. Mum ended up going out and getting books and cds and wrapping them from me and my sister. So he got £120 from each of us spent on him for his birthday AND more presents on FD. AND i was a student at the time.

Another time, we lived far away and hadn't seen him for a while so i offered to pay for DH and me and Dad and Mum to meet up in a nice hotel in the middle, stay for 2 nights with all meals included. He said no, he didn't want to go there, he wanted to go somewhere else (the opposite direction) without us, so i could just give him the money i would have spent and he could go away on his own - after all it WAS a present for HIM and the rest of us shouldn't get a weekend away with money that could be used all on him Shock Grin

I declined his offer, and he got a £10 book. And that's all he's got since. But this fathers day i have got him a lacoste shirt (which he has 'mentioned' ), because he has done me a lot of favours recently and i want to say an extra thank you.

But DH and i just do cards and tokens from DS to each other. I can't wait for DS to be old enough to make me something :) . I remember growing up and giving my mum a home made card and her looking at it dismissively and saying 'that's nice...where's my real card?'

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 15/06/2014 21:25

Don't get me started with elf on a shelf!

Okay feeling less of a bitch dil! Thank you

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 15/06/2014 21:27

what the hell is 'elf on a shelf'? Confused Do i even want to know as it sounds like it'll make me angry?

sooperdooper · 15/06/2014 21:28

I completely agree, I think it should be more about spending time with the people you love than a spending competition, Christmas and all other 'days' or holidays seem to be turning the same, I got my dad some chocolate and a card :)

WeAllHaveWings · 15/06/2014 21:31

Dh got "quality time" with ds(10) for his Father's Day. I even bought food for him to cook for their tea together (while I went out with some friends for a Chinese meal Grin).

He was happy enough as he got a wee lie on (until 9am) and ds made him a card.

whilewildeisonmine · 15/06/2014 21:35

Mrskoala Your DF sounds like a spoilt child!

noblegiraffe · 15/06/2014 21:45

I bought a present for DH from the kids and he got a lie in and a nice day together. It's not one or the other. We don't have any money issues and buying people things is nice.

Some people revel in competitive anti-materialism and will sneer at anyone who doesn't handcarve FD presents from the DC toenails.

Yama · 15/06/2014 21:48

We just ignore. No money for gifts when I was growing up so I won't be made to do it as an adult because marketers have convinced the masses that they ought to buy, buy, buy.

resipsa · 15/06/2014 21:50

Just wish my Dad were still alive; if he were, I'd buy him anything he wanted Sad.

To the father detractors, please appreciate their ongoing presence in your lives.

Luggagecarousel · 15/06/2014 21:51

mother's day and father's day both banned in our house, and always have been, even were in my parents house when i was growing up.

The occasional heartfelt thank you, and a gift sometimes BECAUSE YOU SEE SOMETHING THE OTHER PERSON WOULD REALLY NEED OR LIKE, yes.

Emotional blackmail into spending money you might not have on flowers that i don't want. cards that get thrown away, or pointless gifts, NO.

I have taught my DC not to, and although it has caused the occasional confused primary teacher, when DC have not wanted to make cards because "My mummy doesn't have a mother's day", it works out well.

We all have a birthday, and one day of emotional blackmail per year is perfectly adequate!

Yama · 15/06/2014 21:53

I don't think anyone is detracting fathers. It's the enforced gift buying.

Two different things.

Piddlepuddle · 15/06/2014 21:56

YADNBU. I absolutely hate the whole consumerism of those days! It's lovely to have a day where you say how much you appreciate someone, but agree gestures / home made cards / home made presents is the way to go. I have a friend who was really upset when "all" she'd got was a home made card and a bunch of (lovely ) flowers for mothers' day - I thought that was really sad.

wafflyversatile · 15/06/2014 21:57

I don't buy my mum or my dad gifts for MD FD or their birthdays.

Do I win a prize?

Pagwatch · 15/06/2014 22:00

It's not really a 'mothers day/fathers day gift' thing though is it?

Most families tend to do as they wish and the rest of the world does not care much.

Your problem op is that you are allowing what your in laws think is normal to affect you.
Ignore them. It's not their concern.

Mim78 · 15/06/2014 22:02

Dh got a chocolate orange, card, plus fridge magnet made at school by dd.

We had a nice day out all together.

Think he was happy.

MooncupGoddess · 15/06/2014 22:02

resipsa, I know it is horrid to lose a parent, but that doesn't mean that other people such as MrsKoala can't make perfectly justified complaints about their own parents! My mother is dead but I still sympathise with people who post on MN about their difficult mothers.

My parents' views were pretty similar to Luggagecarousel's, though I think we did breakfast in bed for my mother on Mothering Sunday. My parents had a loathing for pointless gifts and told us never to bother bringing them back pointless tat from school trips, which always made my friends think I was a total meanie but saved a lot of money and hassle all round.

Pagwatch · 15/06/2014 22:03

Resipsa

My father is dead and I miss him.
But my loss does not mean that other people must have tension free relationships with their fathers. Life is not like that.
Don't chide people because you feel differently.
Not least because fathers can be dickheads, the same as everyone else.

weegiemum · 15/06/2014 22:04

My dc make cards, and we do something together - today, dh wanted to go for a fry-up!