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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend staying over

50 replies

Friendsvhusband · 14/06/2014 12:24

Last night after a few drinks invited my friend over, I have known him since primary school.

He is like a brother to me.

Well we put a film on and both crashed out on the sofas. Him on the 3 seater and me on the 2 seater.

DH went ballistic.

OP posts:

QuacksForDoughnuts · 14/06/2014 14:09

Was he lying in bed wondering how much longer you were going to be? That's what would piss me off in his place - if one of us goes to bed first we normally leave a nightlight on, which in my case reduces my chances of sleeping, so if he randomly decided to crash downstairs I wouldn't take it so well. Tbh I'd also not be thrilled at the sleeping in the same room bit, depending which friend it was - out of the women he is friends with there are some who would do this innocently and others who would do their best to get in a compromising situation for me to find when I came down for breakfast.

Obviously if your husband is just pissed off that you were hanging out with a man he needs to take a reality check. But it does depend a bit on how you are with this guy - you say he's like your brother, but do you act in a way that would make an outside observer interpret that as the Lannisters do?

CookieMonsterIsHot · 14/06/2014 14:14

What do you mean he'll go on and on about it? When? How? What do you think he will say? What will you say back to him?

Zucker · 14/06/2014 14:45

Tell him to cop himself on. If that doesn't work show him the door and he can fret to his hearts content about what you're up to on various sofas.

Cerisier · 14/06/2014 15:05

I think a bit of info is needed before slating the DH. Was DH staying in to look after the DC while you went out drinking with friends? In which case it was a bit off to invite someone back without any notice. Had he already gone to bed when you got home? Did you ring to check he didn't mind visitors?

Original poster

Friendsvhusband · 14/06/2014 16:12

I was drinking in my garden.

OP posts:

glasgowstevenagain · 14/06/2014 20:49

Does your dh play call of duty or something like that and you need attention elsewhere .

Understandable

ImperialBlether · 14/06/2014 20:54

I can see your husband's point of view - why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't speak two words to you when you could be in a relationship with someone you like and have fun with?

Let's hope that message hit him like a hammer to the head.

Original poster

Friendsvhusband · 15/06/2014 09:06

He plays an online game, so are talking to corp members.

Due to family commitment by both me and friend we don't see each other often.

I wouldn't care if DH invited a friend over after I have gone to bed but that is highly unlikely as he has no friends local.

We never go to bed the same time, in fact most nights I sleep on the sofa as it's more comfortable.

He spent most of yesterday purposely disturbing me out the garden while I was sunbathing. Being PA when I asked him to get things from a high shelf.

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 15/06/2014 10:31

What do you get out of this relationship, OP? Sounds like you don't get companionship, a partnership... Has your h always spent every night playing his games? How old is he?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/06/2014 11:07

"Normally in the evening I am on my own, he is too wrapped up on his head set to even say 2 words to me."

" most nights I sleep on the sofa as it's more comfortable."

No more info? My arse! Friendsvhusband, your male friend staying over is only important in that your husband's reaction has made you post here. And those of us reading your (very clipped-sounding) posts are horrified AT YOUR HUSBAND'S DAY-TO-DAY BEHAVIOUR.

ilovesooty · 15/06/2014 11:17

It doesn't sound much of a relationship.

Original poster

Friendsvhusband · 15/06/2014 12:26

To be honest it isn't much of a relationship.

I moved from parents with him over 10 years ago so never have had my own place.

I shouldn't have to ask if friends can come around, I don't make any noise keep voices down low.

I am 29 but feel like a 50 year old.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 15/06/2014 13:59

Actually, OP, 50 year olds don't have to live like that either!

You're 29 - that's a fantastic age with everything in front of you. Wouldn't it be fantastic to have your own place now? Just think of the freedom - you could invite anyone you wanted home. Home could be a place where you relax and have fun rather than sit on your own while someone who isn't very nice to you sits upstairs playing games.

You're 29! Life should be fun and you should be surrounding yourself with people who are good to you and for you, not passive aggressive gamers who say you can't have your friends to visit.

ChessieFL · 15/06/2014 14:38

If I've understood correctly, you only invited your friend round after you'd had a few drinks and after your DH had gone to bed, so your DH didn't even know friend was there until he found him on sofa. Actually I'm with your DH on that, I would find it weird if my DH invited a friend round late at night, male or female. But it sounds like there is a back story to this anyway.

glasgowstevenagain · 15/06/2014 14:46

Ltb. ......

life is too short

cluecu · 15/06/2014 14:54

Unless there is any reason for your DH to feel genuinely concerned about this, ie if you've a history of being unfaithful or have a history with your friend then I don't think he has any right to go ballistic!

I'm sure his reaction would have been very different had it been a female friend.

Trills · 15/06/2014 15:08

He should have been a gentleman and let you have the 3 seater.

Original poster

Friendsvhusband · 15/06/2014 17:44

Trolls the 2 seater is way more comfy.

I just feel trapped, DH hasn't always been like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Friendsvhusband · 15/06/2014 17:45

No history with friend, not even in primary school.

OP posts:

glasgowstevenagain · 15/06/2014 17:45

Ask him to change.

To make a effort.

Less time on Internet

ImperialBlether · 15/06/2014 18:15

But I don't see what advantage there is in asking someone to change. Her partner is who he is, and that's someone who wouldn't be right for many people, given he's addicted to gaming and is passive aggressive.

It is more useful to get the OP to recognise he is what he is and that if she doesn't like it (and who would?) she can leave.

Just because you start off with someone, doesn't mean you should end up with them.

sexypantsformum · 15/06/2014 18:24

I crashed out on the sofa with my husband's friend last night. All 3 of us watching tv, hubby fell asleep on the floor, me and his mate on the sofa, he got up for a wee saw I was crashed and left me where I was while he went to bed!!!

PinkHamster · 15/06/2014 18:30

A pal stopping over is fine though.

Just not downstairs

sykadelic · 15/06/2014 19:19

This isn't about you sleeping downstairs with another man and not going up to be with your husband. It's about how you're both very unhappy. Your husband probably thinks you're ready to move on and the incident made him jealous of you talking to, and spending time with, someone else who wasn't him. You're closer to this other man than your own husband.

You went on to say he was "bothering" you while you were trying to sunbathe, and "Normally in the evening I am on my own, he is too wrapped up on his head set to even say 2 words to me" not to mention " most nights I sleep on the sofa as it's more comfortable". I can sense your loathing of him and your apathy towards you relationship jumping off the page.

I think you both need to either work your relationship and communication, or move on. Life's too short to be unhappy.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/06/2014 19:24

You do sound quite heartbreakingly unhappy OP.

You were not being unreasonable, I think you know that, but I do think you should start a thread in Relationships.

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