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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable

4 replies

Mumyum1 · 14/06/2014 10:45

To expect DH to lift a tiny little finger in the house? He works full time quite a stressful job, 10-12hour days. Whenever I ask him to do something, I have to say, Could you do me a favour and take your underwear that I've washed off the line please. Or, your dog has been a bit down today and I have not been able to take him for a walk, would you take him out? There has to be a story behind it. He always sighs heavily and IF he does it, tells me how knackered he is. On the other hand he wants to watch telly, with me or it's no fun, until midnight, then is on Facebook and some mother mindless fone game in bed for another hour, sets his alarm for 7am - honking car alarm no less - so baby and I wake as well, though chances are we'd already be awake as we co sleep and baby wakes at 6am. I'm also exclusively breast feeding a 6 month old who can be quite a Hangul, just started solids so windy and crampy at night. He never gets up for baby, says he doesn't have a boob, when I say he doesn't need feeding, he tells me he'll only do sonething wrong (like wake baby properly by playing with him!!) so I should just go see. I do go, for the baby's sake. I also clean do laundry cook etc during the day, I don't catch up any sleep. I've started doing a few Sunday shifts at work and left him home with expressed milk and baby, to let him see what it's like, but of course it's a fun day, it's only one day, the bed doesn't get made, I leave him washing to hang up, usually his socks, but never gets hung. Baby doesn't get changed from last nights pjs. Baby routine out the window. Tells me my life is so easy, he'd happily trade places with me and is don't appreciate what he does for us. The past 6 months are the hardest he's worked in his life. He's finally realising his potential. However in the eight years we've been together I've always worked harder therefore earned more, he used to say I should contribute more because I earn more. I worked up until a week before my elective c section to make sure we would have enough to tide us through 6 months of maternity leave. I was also doing long days and I do understand the self pity that sometimes comes with being overworked (12 hr casualty shifts). I just feel so disinvested in my relationship and quite resentful. I have tried to talk to DH and I know he feels resentment toward me as well. But he truly feels there is no need to do anything when he comes home, and I do feel quite the slave. Am I feeling too sorry for myself? Should I just suck it up because I'm a mom now and that's what I have to get used to? I do appreciate him, and try to show it but he doesn't see it. Forgive the rather lengthy monologue - hope it doesn't come across as too much of a whinge!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/06/2014 11:40

You have two children. He is in no way acting as a parent or a partner. Being the 'breadwinner' isn't the only part he has to play.

No, you are not being unreasonable at all.

He

Singsongmama · 14/06/2014 12:03

No YANBU.

My DH gets up at 5.30am for work and gets home at 6pm. He does everything except feed the baby (EBF) including nappies,bath time, cuddles,playing etc. He also hoovers, does dishes, irons his shirts, cleans the cars, cuts the grass etc without being asked. We both just pitch in as best we can. If I haven't managed to do laundry then he will grab a load. Yes there are times when he sulks and there are times when I sulk but we both work together as a team.

Mumyum1 · 14/06/2014 21:38

Today (Saturday) he came home from work at 7.20pm it's now 9.30pm and he has yet to feed the dog who usually eats at 8pm. The dog is 10 years old, hardly a new bloody routine!!! I came down from putting baby to sleep 7-8pm and now just went back up to see why he's crying. I didn't cook and told him to get pizza. It's gonna take a while til dinner I guess. Some days are better than others. Today I don't hate him. And I always feel death is too permanent (can't believe I've said it loud). But I do just wish to be alone with ds sometimes. His mother told me she had to peel clementines with skin in one piece and take all the white fibre off and then put back in the skin, in his lunchbox for school, or he wouldn't eat it. Today, he will stare at a bowl of oranges everyday but never eat it unless I quarter it for him. Which I only do if I am cutting for myself as well. I've told him we should have counselling. He says I'm mad. I think he's narcissistic.

OP posts:
Mumyum1 · 14/06/2014 21:54

My two brothers were raised doing chores at home, my mom worked full time with 4 children. My brothers are very handy in their own homes and involved with their kids. His mom stayed home and did EVERYTHING. Her husband won't make himself tea. DH used to do our cooking and occasional dishes but no longer. Oh wait, he packs the dishwasher about once a week! I honestly can't think how I'm going to change things, or feel better about how things are. Maybe make him pay for it? He finally conceded to allow a stranger into our home to help clean for 3 hours twice a week - I pitch in when she comes when I'm not feeding baby, the house is big. For the first 6 weeks I had to pay her from my measly SMP!!!!! But he was moaning about the money wasted, but happily smoking cigarettes!!! And happily being more messy knowing someone was coming to help clean! Ah, I hear him driving to collect the pizza, two blocks away. I was hoping he would take the dog for a walk. As far as he knows the dog hasn't been for a walk today, I will never tell him I actually walk him, lead in left hand and pushing pram in right. Sore wrists but worth it for the dogs sake. Sorry I'm ranting again when I sniff a hint of sympathy.

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