aibu to tell DM she is not welcome on our next holiday

[madbutnormal]

DM is toxic but that's another thread. Planning to take the kids away in October. There is no way I want her to come. After our last day out I said never again! She moaned,screamed and shouted abuse the whole day,it was a nightmare.
I did think of her coming and having her own room or apartment but she wants to share with me and kids. I am a sp after dh died and my df is also dead so she is on her own. All of m
y siblings are overseas or at other end of country. She has no friends but I have tried to GT her to join clubs or introduce her people but she is just so miserable
How do I tell her she is not coming without her kicking off

She is abusive and you are not obliged to have any relationship with her at all if you don't want. NC is an option for all.

Apart from that try to remember that even if it feels like she has all the power, because she takes it, actually you have the power and her none. You have what she wants. She's unhappy and lonely and hates her own company (no wonder) and wants to spend time with you. Meanwhile she's got nothing you need. Who needs all that toxicity. Knowing this you can set your boundaries and consequences. If you stand up to her (hard work and needs to be done consistently) she is likely to either toe the line or go NC herself. Win win.

Trollsworth: love FOG (fear obligation guilt). So bloody true!

OP: she will be foul whatever you do, so have a holiday you can enjoy, on your own with your kids.

As a family we holiday together as well as having separate holidays, plus I also go away with my daughter and the children every year due to her husbands job. Im only telling you this so you understand that for us your set up is normal, HOWEVER, if anyone was being an arse, or if I was, the person would be left behind with something to think about. You dont have to be cruel to your mum but perhaps she really does need to be given something to reflect on while you're away if your future relationship is to work.

Kind of reflecting what Granny said, can't you just say you think it is important for you both to have your own space, and, to that end, in view of what happened at xxx, you are taking the dc away on your own this time as it will be more relaxing for both of you.

I think holidays with extended family can work, but it's obviously not for you and your dm at the moment. I don't know the back story, but she sounds very unhappy, and I imagine that's why you persevere, in the hope that things will get better for her? But in the process, you're putting a lot of stress on yourself.

For your self-preservation you need to take a step back, take control and say 'I'll always be here for you. This is what we're doing this time. I'm sorry if it upsets you, but it's for the best in the long run'.

The fallout won't necessarily be as bad as you fear, because at some level she must know herself that her behaviour isn't healthy.

(I know it's all much easier said than done! Good luck, and enjoy your holiday )