Not to want to move a million miles away for ill MIL

[Isla123]

My MIL is currently being tested for a type of cancer that is pretty much incurable. Worst case she will have a year to live. If she is told this she has already decided not to have treatment but to do a "bucket list" and try and tick as many things off as she can.

She lives in the south of England, we live in Scotland.

DH is down visiting her this weekend and dropped the bombshell (via text) that he thinks we should move down there for a year so we can spend more time with her.

We both have good(ish) jobs up here (mine which I love, him not quite so much), and have just bought our first home together. It's a bit of a do-er up-er and still has 101 things needing done. It is costing a hell of a lot more to do than we expected so money is pretty tight.

His plan so far is pretty vague but involves letting our house out while we move down there with no jobs and no where to live - his mum has a teeny flat with only a single bed in the spare room. There is at least £1000 worth of work required on the house to get it to a condition we could expect people to pay to want to live there.

AIBU to not want to up sticks and leave my home, job, friends, family, life etc? Especially for such a short period of time.

I understand that he wants to spend time with his mum in her last months but I don't think turning our life upside down in the process is the right thing to do.

MIL has her husband and 2 daughters who live nearby and could provide care if required so that is not the issue.

Also bear in mind this whole thing is a big fat WHAT IF until the test results come back at the end of the month.

New to MN (and not even a mum!) so any opinions appreciated

Wow. That's a lot of stress and money worry and relationship stuff and parents and grief and loss all tied up for you both. Wait. Just see what the tests say. There is no point having he conversation about what ifs when you have no idea what the issues are yet.

I find with family stuff my DH will catastrophise and make overblown, impractical plans as a way of showing his feelings. It all calms down afterwards if I wait. Talk of moving may be code for, "I love my Mum and am really hurting".

I think the work needing done on the house would make your DH's plan a non starter if you can't come up with the money to bring it up to scratch straight away. I can see why your DH feels the way he does if the news turns out to be bad but it sounds totally impractical to rent your house and move.

I think what TerryPratchett said is really astute.
He wants to 'demonstrate his love' and hasn't really thought about it rationally yet.
No, of course YANBU to think it's not a wise idea, but I think you need to give him time to work it out for himself.

How about he takes some leave (maybe unpaid) from his job and goes up there for a bit if it is the worst case scenario? I agree that the house is the barrier but that might prove useful for you.

MrsTerry - you have hit the nail on the head! He has a total blind spot when it comes to his mum. He turns things into a massive THING before even having the full facts (like test results) when I guess he is just hurting. He thinks I am critical of his mum (just different parenting... I do like her!) and won't hear me say a bad word against her without biting my head off. It feels as though when we are discussing (read arguing) it that it is me vs her.

I shall wait, and hope for the best from test results. x

With DH it is his Dad. We have had, since my wonderful MIL died, he should move in with us (no, I will move out) and we should spend $2000 flying him here for Christmas when he doesn't want to come and has said as much and we don't have a spare $2000 lying around. When it is imminent trouble, I just say no. If it is far off trouble I make nice noises and let it pass.

I spend a lot of time saying, "I really love your Dad but...".

Leave it a bit, he's v shocked and it's panic talking.

His mum would probably be touched he wants to but horrified he would put himself through so much upheaval, losing jobs etc for such a short time.

Selling a not sellable house, finding new jobs etc will take time. She may not even have cancer. If she does she may have less than a year (especially if she is planning not to have treatment) as these things are never predictable, or spend a lot of her year feeling v ill and not do much of a bucket list. He hasn't really thought it through, leave him alone and the idea will probably fade.

If need be can you be ready with more practical ideas such as her spending some time with you in Scotland, or a family holiday somewhere not far for her to travel?

Possibly this is his immediate reaction and he will calm down once he's had time to think.

If she has a bucket list then she's not going to be there all the time anyway and can come to you too.

It's his mum and this is scary stuff so understandable.

Thank you all for your input very helpful and calmed me down a bit!

Hoping that his work will let him go part time for a bit to allow him to visit her more often. I don't imagine she'll visit us, it has only happened 3 times in the 6 years he has lived up here - once being for our wedding!!

He is back on Monday so hopefully can have a calm grown up discussion then!

Could you not commit to flying down regularly? He could approach work about taking extended unpaid leave (although it doesn't sound like you could afford it)? You could have her come live with you for a while? None of these options are massively practical but better than losing jobs.

Definitely wait until you have all the facts. I have a relative that was convinced she had cancer. Packed up her jobs and the groups she ran (Brownies/Guides) etc and.....It turned out to be almost nothing. She regrets 'going off the deep end' but wouldn't listen at the time. She is a total drama queen though and it may have been for attention but all the same, get the facts.

Your situation could go horribly wrong as far as your DHs opinion of you though. Proceed with caution. Good luck.