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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to sis taking DD out?

22 replies

CrapBag · 13/06/2014 21:35

My sister is 17 (just). I see her once a year for definite, maybe another odd occasion if my dad brings her up. I never hear from her. I gave up a long time ago trying to get her to come over or contacting her as I wouldn't get replies. Clearly we are not close.

I don't think she could tell me when the kids birthdays are, she has never acknowledged their birthdays in any way nor does she ever ask about them, she isn't a 'child' person and when she has been around, I have tried to encourage her to talk to them and she says she doesn't know what to say. She is an 'urgghhh babies' person.

Today, randomly, I got a text just saying "can I take X (DC2) out to X" No mention of DC1 who is older and easier to look after.

I know a couple of years ago, one of our cousins would let her and her mates take his son out to this place. His son was probably around DC2s age, probably a bit younger (DC2 is 3.4). Cousin has always been happy to fob his DC on anyone who would take him though and I thought it was odd at the time as they aren't close either but I never said anything.

It only seems to be little ones they (and I mean sis and her friends as that's who it would be) want to take because they are small and cute. I would trust DC1 who is older and more trustworthy but DC2 is at a running off stage, turn around DC2 has gone, doesn't come back when called and is definitely going through the stroppy 3's stage.

AIBU to have said no? I haven't had a reply. I am guessing she isn't happy about it but I am not sure I care. DH agrees with me. Sis doesn't know DC2, DC2 knows who she is but that's about it. I know I was younger than sis is now and taking her out and looking after her (big age gap, I could pass as her mother) but I was always older than my years anyway and trustworthy. I don't really trust her and her friends. I am not saying they will do anything but I don't think they have any idea of how to look after a wilful/bolting/occasionally stroppy 3 year old.

OP posts:
DoJo · 13/06/2014 22:12

YANBU - a child is a responsibility, not an accessory and it's hard enough to keep an eye on a bolting toddler when they are the focus of your attention which doesn't sound likely. Will her copping a strop make much difference to you if you don't see her often?

Original poster
CrapBag · 13/06/2014 23:26

No it won't. If she strops then that's her problem. I'm not lending my child out to stop her stropping. I just wasn't sure if I was overreacting given that sis is 17 and nearing adulthood.

I don't know if my dad will say something to me, along the lines of sis being older than I was when I was taking out toddlers. But there is a world of difference to how I was at that age and how sis is.

OP posts:
rootypig · 13/06/2014 23:29

YANBU, I wouldn't let my 22 year old sister take toddler DD out, she shows no interest and is useless too. Mind you DSis is old enough to realise that it is beyond her Grin

AgentZigzag · 14/06/2014 01:33

YANBU, you wouldn't let your DD go out with anyone else she didn't know/who you suspected didn't have a clue, makes no difference that this is your sister.

It has nothing whatsoever to do with your dad, it's totally down to you and your DH. If your dad tries to lay it on thick just tell him where to get off.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/06/2014 01:42

Yanbu to say no of the child in question having a "running off" stage.

YABVU to have written your sister off for years already. She's 17, very much a product of her parents. You could at least give her a chance to develope a relationship with you and your family. Suspect she is trying to build bridges.

msVenus · 14/06/2014 07:28

It might be an opportunity to develop a relationship with her now if you want to. Be honest with her and say that she is a stranger to your dc and they wouldnt go with her anyway. You are also surprised at the interest given that she is 'not a baby person'.

. If she wants to get to know them then she is welcome to come round for tea and play with them. Take it from there.

Original poster
CrapBag · 14/06/2014 19:52

Alis I have not written her off. I have given her chances and always tried to have a relationship with her. When she was younger, I was always going to see her, staying at her house (we are half sisters - we have the same dad, different mums), looking after her, taking her out etc. It did get pretty much thrown back in my face. I gave up in the end as I don't see why I should constantly make an effort when I got a poor attitude back. I wouldn't put up with it from my own children. It isn't a case of trying to build bridges, she could have asked to take the older one. She wants the cuteness factor of the younger one. Its exactly why she took out our cousins DC before, she stopped that when he got a little older. We are not close but I do know her and she is not building bridges.

I don't know if she will mention it to our dad. I spoke to him earlier and he didn't mention it, chances are he wouldn't talk me into it either as he knows its our decision to make. He may try and explain that I was doing it that age and younger, but like I said, I was very different (responsible and loved looking after children from a young age).

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 14/06/2014 20:11

Your sister is 17 give her a break why not invite her to see you all my sister was 10when dd was born and at 17 I saw her at christmas we get on gre.at now, anyway yanbu you would nt let your child go outwith a girl shr had only met once or twice her suntie is np diffent, invite her to get to know your children make a big thing about auntie x

justkeeponsmiling · 14/06/2014 20:28

Am I the only one that thinks it's actually really weird that your DS, who you say is "eugh babies" and her mates want to take small toddlers they don't even know for days out?? I'm quite Confused at this, sorry

Mrsjayy · 14/06/2014 20:42

They like the cutie factor will wander about with toddlers on hips I have seen girls do it round here

Original poster
CrapBag · 14/06/2014 20:47

I have tried Mrsjay. I have tried to get her to come over many times. When we moved near to her best friend, where she was a lot, I thought I would see more of her and told her frequently to come. She never did so I stopped asking.

What exactly are you Confused about just? Do you think I am making it up? I can assure you its exactly how I have said it. I said to sis recently about her having a baby (obviously when she is older) and I got the "urggghh babies" response, complete with face pulling. She doesn't know DD and won't talk to either child because "I don't know what to say" and yes she texted me the other day to ask if she can take DD out. She didn't say it would be with her friends but I know it will be. She has a close group that she is never without. I also saw the FB photos and status' when they did this with our cousins child.

I have no idea why they want to do it, I do think its an 'ah look, cute child/accessory' type thing. Why wouldn't they want to take the older DC. No offer at all, only the younger and (in her eyes) cuter one.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 14/06/2014 20:49

Thats a shame she isnt interested her loss really dont let her take your wee one out though she doesnt know them

Original poster
CrapBag · 14/06/2014 20:50

mrsJayy yes that's what I suspect they want her for. I know I am biased but DD is very pretty and I do get a lot of comments about her from people I know and strangers. I do not want my daughter paraded around as some accessory by people she doesn't even know. I think DD even asked who she was recently when we were looking at photos, although I have always referred to her as "aunty x", I don't think they think of her like that like they do my other sister.

OP posts:
justkeeponsmiling · 14/06/2014 20:57

crapbag I'm sorry I wasn't clear, I'm Confused that a bunch of teens want to take (to them) mostly unknown toddlers for a day out. Why?? V v weird imho. Would be different if your DS was interested in your kids but you keep saying she is clearly not, so I'm finding this v odd.
Was not implying you weren't telling the truth, sorry for the confusion.

Original poster
CrapBag · 14/06/2014 21:04

Ah that's ok. I did think you thought I was making it up. Smile

I agree, it is odd. As much as I loved children at that age, I certainly wouldn't have wanted to take out a child that I didn't know, that didn't know me and I wouldn't know how to handle. Says a lot to me about how completely naïve they are about looking after a toddler.

A few of us were pretty shocked when they randomly took our cousins child out a couple of times. She would have known him even less, but as she said at the time "he is cute" and basically told me he was cuter than my DS, who she has never asked to take out.

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 14/06/2014 21:08

You don't just get to to take the cute ones out when you feel like pretending to be responsible/nice. You need to nurture trust and responsibility first.
Maybe it is a step in the right direction though, if she truly wants to get to know the children? try and help her slowly and see if she dismisses it if it's not easy and immediate.
YANBU, totally understand your concerns - kids aren't toys ffs.

Objection · 14/06/2014 21:09

YANBU but im a bit pissed at all the implied ageism on here.
I'm 22 and a full qualified Nanny known as "experienced" with several high end agencies.
I've been in childcare since 16, babysitting from 13. I own my own house and have sole charge of up to 5 children under the age of 4.

Age doesn't mean a thing for this kind of stuff Smile

Mrsjayy · 14/06/2014 21:13

Nobody was ageist I was watching my sister at 15 started working weekends then full time with children at 16, this girl does not know her neice she isnt interested because she isc17 and got more important stuff to do untill it suits her thats not us being ageist

Pregnantberry · 14/06/2014 21:23

Objection said 'implied', and she is right, it has been implied that young people are less trustworthy around children, and it is frustrating to hear if you are a young person who is also a parent or works with children. I'm not directing this at anyone, it is more a general culture on MN.

But anyway, I would not let the sister take my DC out either, it sounds obvious that she is doing it for the wrong reasons - as others have said, as a 'fashion accessory'. Just give the running off as an excuse and offer to invite her along somewhere if she wants to spend time with your DC (at which point maybe she will go quiet).

Original poster
CrapBag · 14/06/2014 21:27

I haven't seen implied ageism on here. I was looking after my brothers from the age of 10 and babysitting 2 toddlers and an 8 year old at the age of 13, as well as doing a lot for this sister from the age of 15. I was responsible and loved looking after children.

My sister could be 20 and I wouldn't trust her to look after my children seeing as she generally has no interest in them and wouldn't have the first clue in how to look after them.

Age has nothing to do with it, but the person does. I would have trusted DH's cousins more who are of a similar age to sis, but they seem great with children and enjoy playing with them.

OP posts:
Objection · 14/06/2014 21:31

Sorry, OP. It wasn't aimed at your or anyone in particular - just a frustrating generalisation as PP said.

I agree that your sis doesn't sound responsible enough nor her intentions pure!

Oldraver · 14/06/2014 23:03

I wouldn't let my 3 year old go off with someone who is a stranger to them

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