To place a complaint or gently confront this lady?

[ShineSmile]

I've recently started attending a local children's centre where I've had a few unpleasant encounters with the lady leading the mother and toddler sessions.

She is very friendly towards the other participants and other people's babies (will make an extra effort to greet them, chat to them and make eye contact with them). However, with me and my daughter, she completely ignores us. The first time it happened I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and to he honest I'm too thick skinned to take offence, but when she makes no eye contact at all with my daughter (12 months) whilst singing, interacting and smiling with ALL the other babies/toddlers (on average about 8), I was disturbed and a little upset, as my daughter noticed it too (and she is still very small). As polite manners go, I have made an extra effort to be nice to her ( I say hello and thank her after each session).

The only thing different about me is that I wear hijab (visibly Muslim) and I'm well spoken (but not in an in your face kind of way). Most of the other mums are foreigners (eastern europeans) and only one is English. Ironically it's an area that is mainly non white with plenty of Muslims and foreigners (but sadly a deprived area), and having moved just recently from a mainly white city, but a very well educated one (where I've had no problems at all), this has come as quite a surprise to me. I am used to being given the look, people ignoring me etc because I am a Muslim, but I feel quite upset that my daughter has to face this (or maybe it's all part of her learning/development too sadly?)

It doesn't help of course that the media is constantly (almost daily) on the case with Muslims (I avoid reading the news sometimes - it's just too depressing, and there's only so much defending you can do!). Furthermore, some politicians like Gove who use Muslim bashing for political gain, don't seem to realise the real life implications their outrageous comments have.

Considering that the children's centre is in an area where there are many Muslims, and based on my experience with her, AIBU to put in a complaint about this lady's behaviour, or should I confront her in a non confrontational manner (ask her if I've done something to upset her) or just let it go (as my mother would say, just leave it and move on)?

Maybe its a class issue? Do you sound like the Queen?

Sezam, thanks for your perspective, I understand where you are coming from. However, this centre is in an area where there are many Muslims. In fact I have seen women wearing hijab working in this centre.

It could be argued that I may come across intimidating without meaning to, but my 12 month old DD is certainly not intimidating! Why single her out to ignore?

Ivy, I wish , no I don't sound like the queen, but you can tell I'm not a typical local.

I thought you were writing my op. I go to a Surestart centre and a stay and play group there. There is a family worker who can be very rude and abrupt to other parents. She was rude to me twice in the session. I will complain to the Local Council, as she should be professional and approachable to everyone! Yes I would complain, her behaviour is not acceptable!

It doesn't necessarily mean this woman is motivated by hate/ discrimination, though I bet it feels like it

I wonder if she doesn't know how to behave around someone with a hijab, and feels uncomfortable, so ignores the whole situation - which translates into literally ignoring you. People really are that ignorant, and wrapped up in their own feelings, like being afraid of doing the wrong thing, leads them to behave appallingly.

I personally can't fathom why people don't go with 'be polite and treat the person as a err, human being' and see how that goes, but for some reason people default to gauche idiocy fuelled by daily mail weirdness and go from there.

(I'm not a hijab wearer but I have another thing that makes people freak out and become social idiots - a disability. Anything that makes you look different makes people come out in social hives).

I would complain but speak to leader first to see what her attitude is. If she has a problem she needs calling out

Even if it's not discrimination, her manner is unacceptable is not conducive in a place like Surestart. You do need to complain.

Oh yes, I am not excusing her, just as I don't excuse people you treat me like shit because of their own hang ups about disability.

Are you absolutely sure that you haven't done something to upset the woman? If you are going to complain about someone discriminating against you due to your religion, you need to be pretty sure that your religion/hijab is the reason.

I'm not saying you've got it wrong - it is sadly very possible that you are right - but I don't think you should assume anything.

Has there been any confrontation at all between you & the woman? Even something that seems slight to you but could have pissed her off?
Do you arrive at the sessions on time, for example? Some people can get antsy about all sorts of trivialities .

I'm not sure why she would be intimidated by the hijab alone, living in a multicultural area like you describe, and working at a SureStart Centre - and that doesn't really explain why she doesn't make eye contact with your DD either.

I would speak to her politely, ask her to try to include your DD more & see what she says. If she continues to be rude for whatever reason then, yes, complain. Surely people leading these sessions should be welcoming & polite to everyone.

I'd speak to her first, in case she's trying to be polite and getting it wrong by mistake (I know some people have the idea that if people choose to cover up it's a sign that making eye contact would be unwelcome/culturally inappropriate). Not that it should be your job to educate everyone, but I think it would be a harsh to leap straight into a complaint when it could just be a misunderstanding.

Once you've spoken to her, if your initial impression is confirmed, then YWNBU to complain. The group should be welcoming to everyone, and if anything it should make an extra effort for people who might be at extra risk of social isolation.

I'm amazed that people could find a hijab a problem, they're just very pretty head scarves, yes they make clear your religion, but so what? So does a cross on a chain.

Like a pp said, the woman is working in a multi cultural area, this should be no surprise.

Defo talk to get Op, if no joy, complain and find somewhere else.

Anti Islamism seems to be very much on the increase, so it isn't surprising that you are concerned that this prejudice is behind this woman's behaviour.

I back up those who suggest politely approaching her. Perhaps just try to make conversation, find some common ground.

I haven't done anything to her. I arrive early, but there are plenty of women who arrive late and goodness me, if you have a baby you can't always arrive on time anyways!