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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry that I have ruined it for my DD?

19 replies

Ferntree · 13/06/2014 00:25

I can not stop worrying and crying about this.

Cut a long story short: I had an immensely stressful pregnancy with my DD due to traumatic things happening. I won't go into details. But I was very depressed. There were some days where I did not eat or sleep. I also got ill with the colds and gastroenteritis.

DD was born at 38 weeks and a healthy weight. She was an 'easy and chilled out' baby and is now 3 and a half years old. Her only delay in development is that she didn't start talking until recently. Although it has been observed by a Dr that she understands everything - it's just delayed speech.

Anyway, I have recently been reminded of the difficult pregnancy. I did a stupid thing and googled how stress/depression during pregnancy affects the baby. I got some really upsetting results (such as www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2518725/Babies-depressed-mothers-contract-depression-womb.html). I am so worried that my DD has been adversely affected for life because of what she experienced as a foetus and can not stop crying that I've failed her?!

My friend tried to reassure me that as humans were evolving there must have been pregnant women under stress etc. not knowing where food was coming from, from one day to the next - and yet their babies were fine and went on to be fully functioning adults. But there isn't any evidence to my friend's theory...

AIBU to worry about this? I don't really know what I can do about it, apart from give my DD the best start in life - which my husband and I are trying to do anyway.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 13/06/2014 00:27

I don't think the daily fail is a good source of information. Try to stop worrying.

Original poster
Ferntree · 13/06/2014 00:30

There is a more official source: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22529357

OP posts:
SixImpossible · 13/06/2014 00:32

There are so many factors that influence a child's development. Pre-natal is only one of them. As long as she grows up what is overall in a loving, nurturing environment, she will be able to overcome any possible deficiencies.

Is English, by any chance, not your mother tongue or home language?

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2014 00:34

There is plenty of evidence of your friend's theory.

We live amongst people everyday who were born to families with massive stress overloads, for a whole variety of reasons.

Really, don't pay any mind to the likes of the daily fail and stop being so hard on yourself.

Original poster
Ferntree · 13/06/2014 00:35

English is the first language for me and hubby, but her full-time childminder's first language is Hindi. I've heard childminder talk to her own children in Hindi quite a lot.

OP posts:
SixImpossible · 13/06/2014 00:40

Ah-ha! That's probably it. Children brought up in multiple languages often develop excellent understanding, but actually speak rather later than children brought up in one language only. But when they do develop fluency, their language is often richer and better developed than their peers'.

It is a good thing! It is part of the enriched environment you are providing for your dd. Early exposure to more languages develops the brain.

OxfordBags · 13/06/2014 01:09

Firstly, YABU for paying attention to anything the Daily Heil spews out Wink

Secondly, your difficult pregnant has NOT caused your DD's speech delay. I had a truly appalling pg (I was told by over 5 specialists that I was having one of the worst pregnancies they'd ever witnessed, and that they'd never met a woman have so many things go wrong) and my DS has very advanced speech. I'm not saying this to boast, or rub it in or anything, I'm just trying to say that a bad pregnancy does not ruin a child for life, or make them delayed in some way.

Your friend's theory is based in common sense. Think of the stress and illness that thousands and millions of pregnant women suffered during WWII, for example - was there an epidemic from 1939 onwards of children unable to speak, or being 'ruined for life'? Of course not.

You have worries and sadness about your DD's speech, and you want to have something to blame. It's very easy, and also very intoxicating in s negative way, to find some way, however tenuous, to blame yourself. Just let it be what it is - delayed choice to start speaking - and don't turn it into an opportunity for self-flagellation, or scaring yourself.

TolchockLovelyInTheLitso · 13/06/2014 01:23

YANBU. But! How are you feeling otherwise? Fixating on & stressing about things like this are always a big sign of depression for me. Could you be depressed again? May be worth examining your mood generally & visiting the doctor. Take care. Thanks

MrsLion · 13/06/2014 05:26

OP you are being very hard on yourself. Yes in an ideal world we'd all have relaxed, healthy, stress free pregnancies.
But life just doesn't happen like that! Most women will have varying degrees of stress and illness during pregnancy. I was one of these women too, and I know many more who had horrendous experiences. Their dc are just fine.

Besides, you can't change what happened in the past- you can't influence what's already happened. What you can influence is your DD's life now. And making sure she's happy now, is far more important than beating yourself up.

Incidentally my DS is 2.4 and only just starting talking. He only knows about 5 words. It's very stressful wondering what's wrong and if you, as a parent are somehow to blame.
You are not.

claraschu · 13/06/2014 05:37

My mother smoked and drank through all three pregnancies, and all of us came out very healthy and did well in school (Harvard etc). People today worry about their children inhaling one whiff of second hand smoke, and forget that 50 years ago all the mothers were puffing away, and all the kids were fine.

Don't worry; lots of children talk late.

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/06/2014 05:52

One if my friends didn't speak until she was 8, and she now earns over £50k and has a husband and several kids, he is a stay at home dad.

Stop beating yourself up...you can't go back in time, only forwards.

Hurr1cane · 13/06/2014 06:08

Listen, it's all bollocks. My DS has autism and an array of health problems, there's loads of theories that it's linked to drinking, smoking, depression or being older when pregnant. I was young, happy and did everything precisely by the book. I mean everything down to not even having a can of coke or standing anywhere near a smoker.

Stuff just happens. It really does. All these studies are a load of bollocks and are best ignored.

Your DD is still perfect. She just struggles with speech. She'll learn it and be absolutely fine. Blaming yourself is not helping anyone.

It's not your fault. Just focus not on speech therapy and how to move forward

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 13/06/2014 06:21

YANBU to wonder about it but your anxiety is getting the better of you now. Can you have a chat with your Health Visitor for reassurance. I think you should tell her how you're feeling and she might be able to help you. I think your distress is the worrying thing here, rather than your DD's speech.

QuizzicalCat · 13/06/2014 06:48

My cousin didn't speak until he was three. He now owns a very successful company. My aunt had a very chilled pregnancy.

My pregnancy was very stressful. My dh was in Afghanistan throughout, I was living alone in a foreign country, and was told my dd was at risk of dying.

There hasn't been any sign of any of this affecting her.

I'd put money on it being because of the languages and that's normal.

Humansatnav · 13/06/2014 07:00

Listen, my ds who is now a hairy arsed student has severe peanut allergy. Carries ab epi pen, med allert bracelet the lot.
I was pregnant with him before the advice to avoid peanuts was around. The guilt was horrendous.
One day a colleague found me at a low moment & I blurted it out.
She was actually the very last person I would have confided in, always came across as arrogant very self absorbed.
She asked me if I was planning on wallowing in guilt about something I had no idea about or being the best mum to my son now.
Best advice I have ever received.

Delphiniumsblue · 13/06/2014 07:13

Stop beating yourself up about it. My cousin's child didn't speak until he was 5yrs and then went straight into whole sentences- he has never shut up since! What matters is how you are from now on- you can't go back.

ManchesterAunt · 13/06/2014 08:06

My mother had a very depressed pregnancy and I was a very happy and healthy child.

Original poster
Ferntree · 13/06/2014 08:07

Thanks everyone. Yeah... I guess all I can do is the best for her now. I will see Health Visitor about the anxiety. :-)

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 13/06/2014 10:28

HumanSatNav
DS3 has a peanut allergy. He is the only one of mine who has it.

There's a gap between him and the older ones. The advice came out during that gap. I gorged on peanut butter during the first 2 pregancies and stayed away from it during the third.

Just saying he might not have the allergy because of what you ate. I think your friend's advice was good though.

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