If you split with a violent, alcoholic ex, would you keep in contact for the DC sake?

[DroppingIn]

or would you never mention their father again, immediately remarry making the DC call the stepfather 'dad', move far away and pretend they did not exist? Then when the DC 'find' their father as adults (40's), act as if it was a betrayal to you?

If the ex had never been violent to the DC (and had been a reasonable father) but the DC had witnessed the violence or what they were led to believe was violence on the father's part but could have been from both sides now they see things more clearly.

Just trying to understand both my mother's and father's actions.

Father now denies any violence or alcoholism and says my mother used to make contact difficult (so much so that me and my siblings would be hysterical at the arguing) so he felt he had no option but bail out to lessen our upset but of course many, many years have passed and memories blurred and the fact that he did not pay any child support cannot be changed.

He did try to make contact when I was a teenager, when he had remarried and was bringing up his own stepchildren but my mother never even asked for my opinion, just told him to get lost (I know that did happen).

AIBU to think they are both selfish arseholes? Or was this the right thing to do?

I have to say that I am reasonably happily married with DC and I could not fathom them never seeing their father again if we split for whatever reason but have never been in this situation myself so don't know what I would do really.

Nobody can answer this at all because we were not living it.

I can say IMO she was shitty for the pretend someone else is your dad thing but I would move as far away as I could from a violent alcoholic.

TBH I can't understand how she thought this would never come up.

Or is it a case of curiosity killed the cat! I needed to know who he was (left when I was 6) but it has opened a whole can of worms.

Slightly biased due to my own upbringing, but I'm on the side of your mum. Although I'm unclear if you are saying she was also violent towards dad?

I think keeping children away from someone who has shown themself to be violent and abusive is the priority - regardless of the fact he had not been violent towards you and your siblings.

I can't blame her for telling him to get lost when he tried to get in touch later on either. Though really it should have been your choice.

However, if your mum was also violent then that does change things a bit. Maybe they were both selfish but ultimately one of them brought you up and the other didn't even bother to pay child support.

She still let him have access to take us out though. He had us while she got married to my stepfather. It was him that stopped contact.

I can't make sense of it at all.

It was not court ordered contact either.

Personally, I THINK, I would maintain contact myself, and would certainly let the DCs know who their birth father was. Would I let my DCs have contact with a violent alcoholic though? No, not at all.

This is very difficult as you were so young you don't have any take on what happened other than your parents.

However you say that he said you were hysterical at the arguments and he had no option but to bail out. My take on that would be excuse making,k he did have an option to change his behaviour.

Having grown up with a violent alcoholic father I can say that my own dad would make excuses and blame other people for his extreme violent behaviour and the upset it caused. Some one always pushed him, wound him up, she deserved it, or it never happened she imagined it. But I lived it until a young teen so at some point growing up, I would say at around 7 or 8 I worked that out myself and did see what was really happening.

Similarly the violence did often look two sided, again at some point I could also see that for what it was, self protection and also the notion of getting a beating regardless of submission or self defence. Alcohol probably numbed the pain for my mum.

I often wished that he would leave and never come back.

However I can understand your position. My older siblings denied any Algol or violence occurred and were very much brain washed by him that it was never his fault, he was wound up, pushed to it. He had no option but to give her a hiding as she was so deranged and violent.

I think though as adults they did resolve the truth. My advice would be to be very wary of being sucked in and causing rifts. You need to work out what's best all round. But at the end of the day you only have either ones word for it and you need decide who is telling the truth and has your best interest at heart.

How was your relationship and upbringing with your mum and step dad?

But in answer to your question no I wouldn't keep in contact for the DC sake

Nope, I would cut ties no question and I'd fight him being near DC's in court if I had to. If he was violent towards me, I wouldn't trust him not to be violent or mentally abusive towards DC's.

Also, he did not bail with your best interests at heart. If he truly cared he would have taken your mother to court to see you, and he would have paid child support to make sure you were taken care of. Talk is cheap. Look at his actions.

The problem is that you will probably never find out the truth. Especially if both sides are sticking to their respective stories.