IN LAWS

[Eliza88]

My in laws never look after my children, it really bugs me but my hubby just lets it slide. Every time I feel I've got control of not letting it bug me something happens. The latest is I've found out that my hubby's brother & wife went away for a weekend and my in laws had their kids. They adore my kids but never ever have them. My hubby gets annoyed with me (I do moan about it - I try not to!) but I just can't let it go but at the same time he won't let me ask them what the problem is so I feel at a stalemate. My parents died years ago so my kids have never had that wonderful grandparent relationship. My MIL even rang me to see when my son's birthday is and he's the first born!! My only way of moving on is letting it go. How can I? Any advice. Please help.

YABU. Your children, your responsibility.

I think YANBU as it seems that they have other Grandkids to stay. Lota of children cherish memories of staying with grandparents, going on hols with them etc. It's sad they don't have that and I understand that you are feeling sad. Especially when you know your own parents can't do it. It's OK to feel sad about this and the MN 'Your kids your responsibility' stock answer is very cold really!

we tend to get on with it just ignore behaviour like this my in laws don't look after our kids either unless i'm in hospital (so twice) my mil doesn't use the childrens names buys huge gifts we will never use over buys presents (two large train sets and got sil to buy another one knowing i had bought ds one) i swear its deliberate "what clothes does ds need?" anything but coats she buys him a coat and tells sil to buy the same (he already had three coats why would he need FIVE) i never get an offer let me look after them for an hour once? never they are facebook grandparents always proud online never in person

Have you asked them to have your children?

My in laws are great.

It's my own family that suck.

My mum has never had mine over night (and they're both in double figures now), she mixes their names up (and they're both different sexes!!), yet she always knows what one of my sisters daughters is doing..... Her loss if you ask me.

If you can, try and rise above it. Easier said than done.

Sounds like you need to ask them and they would look after them. They probably are not mind readers. They sound nice enough. Just do it! Start off small, and you will start the ball rolling.

Have you ever asked them to look after the children? They may fear overstepping. Or are your kids really badly behaved or annoying? That'll turn people off!!

Perhaps they aren't that interested in taking care of other peoples kids and are only minding their other grand kids because they got guilt tripped/ hounded into doing it.

There's a reason, whatever it is they're under no obligation to babysit for anyone. Yabu.

Stupid q but is the father of your children your husband? Not clear from your OP. If they are step grandchildren, they could be overlooked shall we say in favour of their other son's children, not unheard of I'm afraid

But yes, do ask rather than wait getting mire and more huffy

Do you have a good relationship with them otherwise? What do you do for them? Have you made an effort with them, and possibly asked or hinted about them spending more time with your children?

There's not enough clarity in your OP to form a judgement... If you had said

"PILs are in excellent health, have masses of spare time, live nearby yet when DH and I had to attend {insert occasion here that was compulsory for you to be present and without DC} and we had absoluely no alternative form of childcare, we asked the PILs if they could please look after them. Even though they had no plans and were just pottering around their house all day they said no, and didn't give us any reason why not. In fact they have never offered to, and whenever we've asked for whatever reason they've always declined"

Then yes, you're probably NBU.

I think you need to ask they may think you don't want them to.

Can your DH ask them to look after them as a birthday present? We did that one year & after that they realized it wasn't too hard.

PiperRose - I appreciate they are my children & my responsibility but it's not about giving me a break it's the grandparent relationship I'm sad about. My older sister is already a gran & loves it, wants to have them, gets their favourite foods in and asks to have them. Waltermittythesequel - Yes we have asked them and we have asked them to have them overnight. They said when they are older. My kids are older than my hubby's bros kids they looked after and I know they are mine but are very well behaved in fact that is one thing my MIL always says is what good children they are and what a good mum I am! I even asked if they would look after them so I could go to a funeral and she said no because she was having her hair done! Deepthought - Yes my husband is there dad. My son is their first grandchild and my daughter their only granddaughter. Parentalunit - my MIL doesn't drive & I have ferried her all over the place. We do get on well we have even been on holiday together and had a great time but when we used to ask them to have the kids they would decline (used to because we dont' ask anymore). They have even declined grandparents lunches at school, sports days . I wouldn't care but they do it for hubby's bros kids. ViviPru - They are in good health, retired and live nearby and I have no family so childcare is an issue. I know nothing going to change so I've got to try not to let it bother me!

Aww that is a shame, I know we say nuh-huh, grandparents have done all their child stuff already, one shouldn't expect help etc but it stings a bit I bet

piper idiotic comment where as op said she wants to specifically get her in laws to adopt the dc and she is amazed they wont?!

if yu really feel its un equal I would tink about exposing my dc too it.

I know what that's like to be unsupported it's shitty. When I was pregnant my MIL piped up "don't think I'm going to look after 'it'" I mean why would you say that kind thing. And true to their words they never ever have. Maybe once, they have a holiday home and would take off for the summer whilst we paid for child care in the holidays. I just feel its their loss but sad my child has never had that special relationship. Annoying isn't it, I know exactly where you're coming from

YANBU. My MIL is like this. She used to have DS for the odd afternoon and when she offered, I always said yes because she is his nan. Then one day I said something she didn't like (and she doesn't like it when you say something she doesn't like) as in I told her politely but firmly to stop rubbing my pregnant belly, after she had been told numerous times by SFIL and DH not to do it. She never offered to have DS again and she has never offered to have DD. In fact she even once used the phrase "I have done my bit". Its not like we were thinking she was having them move in with her FFS, just to actually be a nan once in a while.

I have accepted that she isn't that type of GP and I don't really bother. She doesn't get invited to sports days and things like that and ultimately she is the one who is missing out. The kids don't know any different because they have never had it from her. They are very likely to be her only DGC as well. Her loss as they are great kids but they won't have much to do with her as they get older.