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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you to remind me how siblings don't always get along?

30 replies

Snowcherriesfromfrance · 12/06/2014 17:19

Ds (almost 5) will be an only. We can't have any more. We've tried and failed and it is a source of heartbreak and guilt.

Ds said tonight 'the only thing a bit wrong with my life is I'm lonely" followed by "I wish you could magic me a brother."

It makes me feel awful! I'm depriving my child by being unable to give him a sibling. I'm an only one but I never minded. Ds is hugely sociable and wants someone to play with all the time. We do play dates and now he's at school he has his friends there but I'm aware all the time how bored he must be just me and dh. And dh isn't here most of the time so it's actually just me and ds.

Even if we had another one now and by some miracle had a successful ivf treatment if we try again the gap would be so big that ds will never have the playmate he so desires.
I do feel like I've ruined his life.

Please remind me that having more than one isn't always sunshine and rainbows!

OP posts:

spottydolphin · 12/06/2014 17:23

aww, i think it's always the way that you want what you don't have though right?
if he had a sibling he'd probably be saying (as mine do regularly) that they wish they didn't have any!
i have 4 boys and ds2 said to me the other day "i like it best when it's just me and you, it's so nice isn't it?"

your DS will be just fine! he'll just have close friends rather than siblings i'm sure

Original poster

Snowcherriesfromfrance · 12/06/2014 17:27

It's not helped by him having no cousins either. Well he does but they are in their late teens and early 20s. So at family things he is the only child.

OP posts:

Bigmrsdragon · 12/06/2014 17:31

Awh I imagine he is just saying that because he doesn't have a sibling. It would probably be the other way around if he had them.

It's definitely not all sunshine and flowers. I hated my older brother and we used to fight ALL the time.
also DH has an older sister who is such a pain the bum and always has been.

I now have 4 DCs and everyone always wants me, there is never enough time in the day to please everyone and although they can play nice they can also fight a lot.

Iggly · 12/06/2014 17:32

You never know what the sibling relationship would be like.

As you say, the gap would be big anyway. It isn't your fault that he won't have a sibling so try not to blame yourself.

aquashiv · 12/06/2014 17:37

I have three and without question my one 'regret' is that they don't get enough 1:1 time. How much time they do have they always want more. They get on when they aren't killing each other. Mine all tell me they want another one that's some thing kids say. Just be proud you have a little man who is sociable and happy to be around others there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect amount.

BrokenToeOuch · 12/06/2014 17:37

Oh bless you. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to have any more children.
But I wouldn't worry about your ds, honestly.
My sil has a very grown up daughter and now an 11yo ds.
In the holidays, he has friends round for sleepovers, pizza and games nights, they go rock climbing together, they go to laser run together, and all kinds of things I can't do with my older ones at all as I have a toddler too.
I feel bad for mine that them having a younger sibling means they miss out. But even though they don't mind, I do.
The grass is always greener, but you have to try and make the best of your situation.
Which I'm sure you do, but it doesn't meant that you don't sometimes feel a bit bad about things beyond our control.
for you.

Original poster

Snowcherriesfromfrance · 12/06/2014 17:49

The thought of him all alone in the world when we die makes me feel awful too.
He might have a family of his own by then...but what if he doesn't? What if he gets divorced?

OP posts:

madbutnormal · 12/06/2014 18:16

My eldest was v nearly an only one, have an 8 year gap and they play together and fight too. He was never lonely when he was on his own either. There is no guarantee that siblings will get on. As any age gap, loads of my ds friends have huge age gaps

jeanmiguelfangio · 12/06/2014 18:59

My dd is going to be an only, and I was an only too. I think at one point I wanted a sibling, but actually I have a fantastic relationship with my mum, she is one of my best friends, and we spent and still do great quality time together. She is amazing, and we had fantastic holidays too and we never had to compromise.
My mum had a brother who sadly passed away when she was about 24, so she is an only for the latter part of her life, dealing with elderly parents and all the rest of it. She isnt alone in the world even though she is divorced, she has me, and now my stepdad.
You can never look to the future like that, look at now, the one on one time you can spend with your son, and do things he adores because you dont have to compromise. I feel this way sometimes about my dd being an only, but I know that it is right for our little family. She never has to share us, she has more friends than me I think!!!
my dh is one of 3, hates it, he was always treated differently to his sisters, still is, and I think he resents it a bit- more at his parents than his sisters.

Helpys · 12/06/2014 19:07

Oh bless you. I'm sorry things haven't turned out as you wished. I have a small hoard and although lots of it is lovely, there are big downsides.
My time- especially as they get older it's hard to be emotionally available enough. When they were tiny and always around that part was easier.
Logistics, what do you do when more than one wants you to watch their play/ collect them from somewhere godforsaken/ be taken into take your child to work day.
Money and organisation. Again when they're small it doesn't seem much more to do things for more than 1, but once they're bigger there's no economy of scale for anything. And we have have no chance of setting them up with anything but the tiniest push towards flat deposits, learning to drive etc.

alittlebitbockety · 12/06/2014 19:08

Are you me in disguise? One sociable 5 year old, older cousins, worry and guilt. However I think being sociable is a big protection against being lonely later in life. And sorry if I am repeating but there is a one child board here with lots of positive perspectives. Helped me a bit anyway.

NecklessMumster · 12/06/2014 19:11

My 2 ds are 11 &12, they did play together when younger but pretty much hate each other now and it drives me insane.They have very separate friends. And the younger asks me for another baby but it is nt going to happen.

justmyview · 12/06/2014 19:14

I think that only children are taken on their own merit, whereas siblings are compared eg the sporty one, the musical one, the bright one, the naughty one

Ewieindwie1 · 12/06/2014 19:16

One of my dear friends was the only dd of quite elderly parents (not saying you are!) . She feels that her situation made her the person she is - sociable, generous and interested in others.

There are downsides to having siblings. Sounds like you are going to make the most of all the opportunities for your DS. Good luck.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 12/06/2014 19:20

My eldest said yesterday 'I wish I didn't have a sister'. Whichever way around it is, children have the capacity to wish different. Don't take it to heart as much as you are, plenty of onlies are happy and sociable souls.

Ummmmgogo · 12/06/2014 19:22

Me and my sisters hated each other growing up. I told my parents regularly that I wished they would give my sisters up for adoption and spent a lot of time worrying that they loved my sisters more than me. What I'm trying to say is that children are never happy with what they have. Your son is loved by you, and I'm sure you let him have friends and opportunities to socialise. He is being provided with the best possible childhood which is why he feels secure enough to moan and complain. You are doing a wonderful job with him clearly! Pat yourself on the back and stop stressing. Take care of yourself xxx

CMOTDibbler · 12/06/2014 19:24

I have a sibling, and an only ds. My sibling and I were never company for each other, and are very different in personality. We don't get on as adults either, and I do all the supporting of our frail and elderly parents. I see him less than once a year, and once our parents are dead, will never speak to him again.

My ds only has much older cousins (11 years gap to the youngest) too - but has some fab friends, including a number of onlies.

ManchesterAunt · 12/06/2014 19:24

3 years between me and my brother, we've never liked each other and never will.

paxtecum · 12/06/2014 19:27

Stop worrying.
Your DS must have a great relationship with you and your DH.
He will never be jealous that his sibling is being treated more favourably, whether that is real or just in his head.

Can you have more play dates and sleepovers?

Could you take a friend with you on holiday - though 5 is probably too young for that.

Does he stay with GPs? They will find one child easy to look after.

Velocirapture · 12/06/2014 19:36

My DH and his DB are close in age (less than 2 years) fought like cat and dog and still do on the rare occasions they see each other. It's no guarantee.

DancingtheTittyTango · 12/06/2014 19:37

Have you considered adoption?

unoriginalnamechange · 12/06/2014 19:50

My brother is a deeply unpleasant person and I haven't spoken to him in over 15 years - I genuinely wish he didn't exist, and would without question have had a better life if he didn't.

Having siblings is not always better.

Preciousbane · 12/06/2014 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Snowcherriesfromfrance · 12/06/2014 20:53

I don't think we would adopt at the moment because it would likely be a child of at least 2 and an adopted child often needs additional support.
I'm not sure ds would cope with suddenly having a toddler with additional needs. If we hadnt had any children I would definitely have looked into adopting but I'm not sure I would be able to give ds and an adopted child, who would in all likelihood need quite a bit of support themselves, the time they both needed. I might consider it when ds is maybe about 8 and a bit more self sufficient.

OP posts:

deakymom · 12/06/2014 21:11

the grass is always greener i guess i had a singleton for 7+ years all of a sudden i got pregnant 6 years later i have a total of three children my well behaved DD is a nightmare teen my 5 year old is a whirlwind nightmare and the baby doesn't go to sleep alone or do anything alone!

foster a dog its easier! (love my kids but SHHHHH somedays!)

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