To want to slap my SIL.... not really

[4seasons]

I am not a violent person so I wouldn't actually slap anyone so please don't take me literally.

Over the last few years , as a family we have had a bad time with family illness and deaths to cope with and I feel I did more than my fair share of helping family members cope , quite apart from more practical things like shopping , cooking , cleaning etc. .

We were due to meet up with SIL and BIL for a couple of days next week. Unfortunately I have been pretty ill and been in hospital . I am out now and getting better. I have just read an e mail from my SIL to my DH which basically makes a silly joke about my medication .Over the years she has made lots of little snide remarks about me , my weight etc. and now I feel I really have had enough from her.

In addition she asked what would happen if I wasn't well enough to travel and he wrote that he would meet up with them on his own. He has been great whilst I have been ill, very loving and concerned but now it seems the concern has a a" sell by " date. As a a result I am feeling angry with him too ... my own fault as I actually told him he should go on his own if I couldn't go ( they are scattering his dad's ashes ) .

Please help me to see these comments in the right light. I am still feeling very vulnerable I think due to the seriousness of my sudden illness . On the other hand I have never been anything but supportive to my SIL when she has had things go wrong. I now feel that I want to disengage and have as little to do with her as possible.

You need to separate you SIL being a cow from your DH doing a perfectly normal thing. Especially when you've told him to go.

Your sister in law sounds horrible but they are scattering his fathers ashes. I don't think it is fair to be angry with your husband.

What was the joke about the medication?

I think if they have arranged to scatter his dad's ashes then it's something they are mentally gearing up for and probably would want to get on with doing it even if you were not able to be there.

Sounds like all the little jibes from your SIL over the years have worn you down. Time enough to deal with that when you're feeling a little better and stronger.

But it is absolutely unfair to be angry at your DH for going without you to scatter his dads ashes.

You are all absolutely spot on with your comments. I think I knew that really. I want him to scatter the ashes and be able to draw a line under what has happened and I did say I didn't mind if he went on his own.

I suppose I hadn't realised how I would feel about them all having a few days away together , eating nice meals etc. whilst I sat at home alone .It actually looks now as if I shall be able to travel so hopefully that's that problem sorted.

Canary yellow...you are right, I feel worn down by all the remarks over the years and have decided that enough is enough. Once this is done I shall have as little to do with her as is humanly possible . It will be difficult because now her father is dead I get the feeling she is feeling vulnerable too and wants her big brother to take his place .But , if she makes any snide remarks this weekend I am ready for her . I just know though that I shall be made to feel the unreasonable one . She is manipulative and very clever at it .

You told him to go so YABU to be angry with him, sorry to hear your SIL not supportive. I would keep my distance and just be civil when necessary.

Tbh I would bite my tongue with sil this weekend if I was you. If she is clever and manipulative as you say, she could goad you into saying something and then paint herself as a victim, especially as the weekend is about scattering her dads ashes. Just smile and nod and do not rise to any bait.

"I suppose I hadn't realised how I would feel about them all having a few days away together , eating nice meals etc. whilst I sat at home alone"

Really??

When the purpose of the meet up is to scatter their dad's ashes??

I can understand why you are pissed off at sil, but is the ashes scattering a thing that would be better done without you there anyway?

We live a good four hours drive from where the ashes are to be scattered so had decided to stay for a couple of days to allow my DH to recover from the drive before driving back home.

We are going because SIL doesn't want to do the scattering on her own ( even though she has had the opportunity to do it ). I totally understand this and even though DH has said he didn't want to be involved I persuaded him that he might regret this in the future . See how brilliant I am at making a rod for my own back !!

I actually think I should be there too , firstly to support my DH but also because I was close to my FIL and looked after both him and my MIL when they were ill and dying . It would seem wrong not to attend .

But people are making good points about biting my tongue this weekend and I shall certainly try to do just that. I wouldn't want to give SIL any ammunition to try to cause an argument between my DH and me , particularly at such a sensitive time.

But, I have decided that I shall not allow her to affect our lives or " muscle in" any more.

I would prepare a catch-all comment which you can use if she makes any digs at you this weekend so you don't end up blowing up at her and making yourself look unreasonable. How about

'Let's focus on what we're here for, shall we?' which you can say as you disappear off to another room/stride ahead/leave the house and go to the pub. That way, you are less likely to voice your true thoughts, but she doesn't 'get away' with making digs at you.

Great idea DoJo.... shall practise saying it to myself in the mirror with suitable expression on my face !

I also get on really well with my BIL so have decided to be extra chatty with him . She treats him like dirt at times . This will really get on her nerves .. ... do I care ??? Sorry to be so childish but this thought has really cheered me up !!!