To say no to looking after DSD?

[TheDishwasherFairy]

Huge backstory of DP's ex taking the piss with contact, changing or ditching weekends at the last minute, us having to change our plans so that we can have DSD at short notice, 'favours' never being reciprocated, etc.

DP and ex have DSD 50:50 although in practice we have her a bit more than 50% because of situations like this one.

Ex is going on holiday with her partner (aside: she's never taken DSD on holiday, whereas we never go on holiday without DSD). So we're having DSD for the full fortnight.

But ex is stuck for after school childcare on the days that DSD would normally be with her (we have a childminder / I do it on our days), so has asked DP to basically ask me if I'll do it.

This is massively inconvenient for me. I'm on mat leave with DD. I've got a term's worth of baby groups paid for up front and I'd have to miss those sessions and lose that money in order to pick up DSD. Same story with an exercise class I've block-booked in advance.

Apart from that, I feel like it's her problem to solve, not ours. She's suggested to DP that if I can't do it, he pay for our childminder to have DSD. I think she should pay since she's the one going away.

AIBU?

Ok I understand more a little bit about the 50/50 aspect and I think you are right to be pissed off. Her attitude is terrible and I wouldn't be able to leave my child stranded and bugger off on holiday.

But ultimately DSD isn't that stranded because she has her dad. I would cancel the groups for two weeks and help out if there was no option for your DP to take holiday or flexi time to help and if he couldn't afford the childcare but that's because my DP helps out with my son and can work flexi time and does to look after my DS if I need him and if normal childcare falls through.

Its a pain in the arse and not fair on you particularly but I agree with crazyboots in the sense that she is a child of the family and if you are treating her like one then this means doing things that you would do if she was your other child so if say the child-minder was ill etc it would mean giving up an activity to pick up the other child.

Maybe try and ask the Ex to cover the costs of the childcare on her days as normal but ultimately DSD needs picking up and if you/DP are unable to then your DP will have to pay someone and try to get the money back from the Ex.

I do feel for you as it is annoying but ultimately DSD's needs should be met regardless of who meets them. and the chances of the Ex paying for anything from what you have said is slim.

Agree with rinabean.

You dsd is a pain in the bum? Poor little girl . How would you feel if you split up with your dp and your baby became another woman's " pain in the bum" and inconvenience?

that it can be a huge pain in the bum.

She said 'it'. IT can be a pain in the bum, relating to the constantly chopping and changing situation.

She did not say that she, the girl, can be a pain in the bum.

Thanks Looking. That's exactly what I meant.

Can't lie; it's a royal pain in the arse.

Tell her mum she can pay for the childminder.

You dsd is a pain in the bum? Poor little girl . How would you feel if you split up with your dp and your baby became another woman's " pain in the bum" and inconvenience

Please read it properly the OP said IT was a pain the bumb not the DSD.

The pain in the bumb tbh is the ex!

^She's part of your family as much as your new baby. You are addressing the very slight challenges of a family with siblings. She's not a problem. Yes younger siblings, which your baby is, tend to do less activities or have them timed around pick ups, have them cancelled when older siblings have illness, inset days, school holidays.

I don't agree that its just your DP's issue. You also made a choice to have a baby who would have an older sibling. You have a choice whether you make this into a positive for your family or turn small challenges into a problems which will reverberate around throughout children's lives^

Saved me a lot of typing.

Dishwasher Fairy, it is v hard being a step parent, I sympathise. Not least on MN, because it seems that if a DM says they are annoyed that their DC has no childcare due to childminder being unavailable/other relative being flaky etc they get sympathy, but if a DStepM is annoyed her DSC has no childcare due to DP's Ex being flaky some people instantly reply "well you knew what you were getting into when you agreed to date a man with children, how dare you make that poor child feel unwanted" (Incidentally that's like saying to someone struggling with sleep deprivation "well you knew this would happen when you had a baby"! Totally boils my piss.)

FWIW you may get a better reception on the step parenting forum.

Re the dilemma, I think its good to vent. Ultimately, if I could afford it, I'd pay child care, and if not Id do pick up. And then when DSD is not around Id swear a lot to DP or my friends about DPs Ex, and drink gin.

To those up thread who said its just having siblings its not - because if you have 2 children yourself you control the organizing. The scenario might be the same, you might end up with no childcare for one, but the constant feeling of being at someone else's beck and call and never being able to make a simple plan and know it won't fall through due to someone else's whim is very different.

The fact is you married an man who had an child and by marrying him you chose to take on this little girl. If your dh can not work out childcare then yes you should step in and help.

YANBU just say no. She isn't your responsibility, you are doing an amazing job as a step mother but you are allowed to draw the line.

You aren't her mother. Let her mother pay.

I would expect your DP to sort it out and take time off work

You've paid for an activity for a child already - attending that takes priority as that booking was made first

Having been a step-mother for MANY years in your position, I understand completely how you feel. I had a nightmare with the ex partner around the time that ds was born - it's your time as a mum with your pfb, and no - this is not your problem. Stick to your guns. The rights of the mother also mean the responsibility of the mother??

The ex should pay for the childminder just as she does every other week.

I think that if you agree to have her for the fortnight, then you also agree to be responsible for all the wrap-around care. If you don't want to do that, don't have her for the fortnight and just stick to the previously agreed days.

And how would they do that?

I think that if you agree to have her for the fortnight, then you also agree to be responsible for all the wrap-around care. If you don't want to do that, don't have her for the fortnight and just stick to the previously agreed days.

How is that going to happen this time. The mother is going away for a fortnight with new partner and without daughter.

Put DSD in a box for the days her mum would have had her??? Not sure that would work!

Easy solution. Dad picks her up on the days you have baby thing booked. Books annual leave for her, she is his daughter.

You go to your exercise classes as booked, Dad will have the joy of both kids and some precious 'just us' time.

Short term: you argue, he insists he can't leave work, etc etc, you look and sound like a complete bitch.

Longer term: he gets used to this being how it will be, unless you have more notice and can work sudden changes into your paid for schedule. You stop being a complete bitch and he sees the situation is entirely of his Ex's making and makes an effort to work things out with her.

I could put forward a crass point of view here. If the Ex were no longer around for whatever reason, the father would have the DSD to live with him and the OP, wouldn't he? So he'd have a lot more to pay for in the way of child care, clothes, food etc. Why crib about a few days here and there?

Disclaimer: I have stepchildren but they are grown ups.

Are you the poster with the 'elephant ride in the park on holiday' issue?

If so, same problem you've always had and the little girl is shoved all whichways.

You moan, nothing changes.

Why did the childcare fall through at short notice?

Did it ever actually exist?

It all sounds a bit odd to me.