To ask him to take the day off work?

[WantonMother]

I've been having a few gynae problems lately, unexplained heavy bleeding, bleeding after sex and some pains. Doctor wants me to have a full pelvic exam and smear tests etc. Appointment was booked by doctor for tomorrow as it was the earliest one and because of my symptoms wants me seeing pronto. Having a transvaginal scan at a later date too.

But I have a 3yo and a 22month old and would prefer not to have to take them with me. So, have asked my husband to have the children as don't want to be stressed out with them in there and also as our youngest is a very challenging child in terms of behaviour.

My plans were: nice relaxing bath tonight (tidy up my area!), normal routine the next morning but seeing as appt. is at 11.50 to have my shower later than normal so I'm fresher and more confident (especially as weather is warm). It's a two mile walk to doctors (I don't drive) and I wanted to be able to do it at a leisurely pace, not rushing about and pushing pram etc.

Which is why I've asked my DH to take morning off work and have children to make things easier for me. He proposes that he goes into work earlier than usual to accommodate, and meets me at doctors to have kids for appointment time and then when I'm finished he goes back to work. He is refusing to ask for more time off as they're busy.

My argument is that I'm nervous and don't want to be flustered for appointment and that at the least he could just ask for the whole morning off. As youngest child is difficult there's no way I can shower while she's awake hence needing a bit of help. He says he doesn't want to be seen as unreliable.

What do MNers think?

Depends.

Is his job vulnerable? Does he have 'form' for avoiding parenting?

If not, perhaps he is just being pragmatic and does not truly appreciate the stress of the situation for you. Try asking him how if he would feel if he was going for an intimate examination with possible serious implications.

If however, this is a typical reaction then perhaps he needs to consider what it means to be a supportive and reliable partner. Ask him.

I'm sorry but I think yabu

You're lucky he can meet you at the doctors

They really won't mind when you've showered etc

Good luck though, it does sound stressful

If appointment is 11.50 then will he really be free to go back to work for the ordinary afternoon session? I'm allowing for the appointment starting late, and your walking home afterwards.

DH would struggle to take half a day at short notice if it wasn't an obvious emergency, but he might be able to work from home and look after the children over an extended lunchbreak. Is that an option? You haven't said what he does.

Tbh at short notice I think his solution is a good one. I know it isn't what you would like, and I don't think you were U to ask, but it is a good idea.

Good luck tomorrow.

I think YABU.

As someone else said you're lucky he can meet you at the doctors to take over with the wee ones. He should keep his days off for when they are truly and unavoidably needed

Stick a packet of wipes in your handbag and freshen up in the loo at the doctors before you go in. No need to make a big production out of it.

All that said, I hope it's not too traumatic and they sort it all out for you soon .

Thanks for the replies and good lucks. Hmmn, maybe I am bu. He is an accountant but the type of work he does could be done outside of 9-5 hours ifyswim. So the option would be there to work a bit later if they were desperate. If he has ever needed a morning/evening off for whatever reason he has been able to put a bit more time in the day before/after to make up his hours for the week.

My issue is that he is refusing to even ask his managers. I think that if he can't have it off then fair enough. I wouldn't say that his job is at risk, he is very good at what he does and his department is gaining clients faster than they can hire (which is why he is so busy).

I think I'll just suck it up. lilaclily I know the nurses have seen it all and won't be too bothered about me not being showerfresh, but I do

If he can only get a small amount of time off, could he fetch you from home and drive you to the appointment so you don't have to do the 2 mile walk? Won't add much to his time, and will help you = compromise.

I was just about to suggest what sunev said - that way he can still help with the bit that is causing you stress and you can fire the blowers up your fanjo on the way!

Honestly, I know how terrifying these things can be, and something about preparing for an intimate examination makes you feel really wobbly, but I honestly think your husband is just trying to please everyone. I can understand not wanting to ask his managers if he feels like he can come up with an alternative solution which is just as good, especially if he might need time off more urgently if you need to have any treatment following the examination.

Good luck tomorrow - I'm sure you will be getting the best care and hopefully they will be able to solve your issues quickly and painlessly!

Why does he need to meet you at the docs - is it closer to his office? I would rather him come home and amuse the kids until I got back.

Get him to sort kids tonight at bedtime while you have a nice soak and tidy up your lady garden, as planned.

Have your shower at normal time and then perhaps have a quick splash of the undercarriage with cool water before you leave?

With your problem, you might bleed anyway on the way to the appt, so just take spare undies and pads?

Take some baby wipes with you, they are magic!

I can see why you'd like him to take the morning off, but I can also see why he is reluctant.

Best of luck with your appointment

He's being there for the appointment. There are very few jobs where you can just take a day or half day off at short notice. I'd be glad he can look after the kids for the appointment and chat to you about it afterwards.

You're making it much harder than it needs to be, you don't need to shower in the morning, honestly. Youre getting your flange out for it to be checked over, by someone who looks at them all day and has seen them at their best and worst, there is no need for the Fanny Ceremony

Get kids ready, walk with them to the docs, DH can meet you there to sit with kids, drive you home, go back to work.

Minimal fuss. Especially as you may need follow up tests, he may need to stay in his works good books.

Good luck also, Ive had yearly smears, 3 colposcopies, multiple pelvic exams and things stuck up there, biopsies, bits cauterised, and am due to have a hysteroscopy. It is stressful and worrying but am sure its all fine

Good luck for tomorrow! I can understand that you want DH to makes things as stress free as possible for you which is important. It would have been nice if he could have given you some support in the morning but the most important thing is that you can go into the appointment without the children which you can his way too.

I really hope things go well for your appointment.

Ok.

Tbh I think yanbu. One morning? So you do everything right? Work? Kids? And he just works?

If he explained to his manager that you are suck he would likely get the morning without touching holiday, as a family morning.

I'm rather surprised everyone's saying suck it up. There's two people here, and one is in need of help. He's pulling the idea he's better than you out of the bag and you're agreeing with him!!!

His appointment, you would help him wouldn't you? So, courtesy reversed.

Suck?! Love it. Sick obvs ha ha

Minnie, to be fair its just an appointment at the docs, yes they are terrifying but they aren't really the point where you need people to be taking time off work to help out if they don't need to. The DH's plan works for all concerned at this stage and is helpful.

If things are referred you get appointments sometimes in the middle of the day, sometimes at short notice, sometimes you are there all day, so its better to save any good will of her DH's work until its really needed. If its needed.

Minnie - I think the point here is that OP's DH has suggested a sensible solution which allows her to attend the appointment alone. He's not saying I'm more important than you. In general if he's due to work he should work. Some things, like attending the appointment, are more important than work. If OP said she was anxious and really needed the moral support that might be different but really she wanted a bit of practical help. OP is not being unreasonable to ask her DH is not being unreasonable to suggest a different solution.

Last time I had a TV scan the appointment letter was very clear that I should not go with my kids if there was no other adult to mind them. Hospitals are full of dangerous and expensive stuff and NHS staff can't be expected to mind them.

YANBU and unsurprisingly stressed. I hope it all goes well.