Friends child

[Nonameyet79]

Yes I'm new and I get that this is a weird place to start. I needed somewhere new that this wouldn't be recognised.

One of my closest friends has a child the same age as my youngest. She is completely unable to handle him. He kicks, screams, bites and is just generally mean. He usually doesn't act violently to my son but is very mean to him. Blocks his pathway if he's walking, takes his toys and tells him he's crap or not allowed to do things. Today he pulled a small step from under my DS and only I caught him he'd have fallen on the tiled floor on his face. He follows ds around if he's on his bike or scooter and bumps into him just because he knows this upsets DS. He looks for things that upset DS and dies them over and over and over and over.

My friend tries her best, her husband is an "armchair" dad and does nothing to help her with him. I have a ball of stress in my tummy from this boy. He's only 3!! I literally dread seeing them coming because I can't deal with him anymore. I love my friend to pieces but I love my little man more and hate listening to him when he's being picked on yet again. I can't keep making excuses for them not to come here. They've been friends since they were small and this is going on around 6 months.

My friend is very sensitive and I don't know how to sort this without offending her :(

She doesn't sound much of a friend if she is not willing to take a firm line with her DC but it doesn't bother her that your DC is the one to suffer.
I would just stop seeing her until the children are both at pre school, school or whatever- if you can't do evenings.

I would avoid her until September then if you don't want to say something! But the best course of action might be to say something like "my ds and your ds don't seem to get on, it's a pity but I think we'll have to stop play dates for a while until they've got to a stage where they can both play nicely together."

Start going to toddler groups so you're busy, she could always go too, but then her ds's behaviour might be much more obviously bad around a group of little ones...

They sound like weak, ineffectual parents and sadly as they do not wish to discipline their son then they are going to lose a lot if friends because people just won't want to be with them due to child's bad behaviour. He is 3 now and already bullying your son and perhaps even enjoying the power he has over him. What's it going to be like when he is 6 or 7?
Do you tell your son to stand up for himself? Does he Tell the other kid to stop his behaviour and perhaps let your DS tell your friend that her son is being horrible.
This is sad but I dont think I could carry on seeing someone who was causing so much grief for my child.

Thankfully my little man has a gang of older siblings who have thaught him how to stick up for himself. He's no angel, but not the kind to throw the first punch (unless to get back a toy he was guarding)

I'm going to go to her house for the next while and at least then I can just leave. She stays until the school collection time and never would consider leaving earlier. If I go to her at least I have the control over that.

Heyday, you are spot on, he does enjoy taunting my ds. He enjoys pissing his mam off too.

I was thinking about it this morning and I'm probably giving out to ds for things I would usually let go just to make it seem like I'm being fair with the giving out and it's not always her ds. My poor boy :(

When you have a child like this, you just can't leave them to play on their own and sit and have a cup of tea. You MUST be there, actively involved in the playing and stopping every bit of inappropriate behaviour.

Perhaps try the approach that you're trying to teach your DS not to do things or that you think he's old enough now to have firmer boundaries and see if she will come along for the ride?

It can't be good for your DS to have boundaries and know right from wrong, and seeing his friend being treated so differently.

I try a "my house, my rules" sometimes and find it works a treat when the other parent isn't around, but as soon as their parent arrives, they switch straight away back to normal self.

I once had a girl who used to scream/screech which was horrible, but telling her "I can't hear you because you're not saying it properly" worked a treat. Then when her dad came, she straight away was screaming at him...

They know what they can and cannot get away with and it sounds like pre-school are going to have a great time!

You cannot let this boy continue to bully your ds because you don't want to upset your friend! Your poor child. If you won't step in and stand up for him, who else is going to?

I know it can be awkward but really, step up and do something!

I'm shocked and saddened by seeing yet another parent who believes their child does no wrong.

The child is a bully.

He needs to be taught about being loving, kind, sharing, thoughtful etc etc... As adults we need to give children boundaries. Let them know what is acceptable behaviour and what is not.

I speak as someone who works in Early Years so have dealt with these issues. Sadly his behaviour will not improve unless both his parents are 100% on board. I feel for the child.. He is lashing out of frustration/anger? Is he ignored at home by dad??? Mum certainly seems to ignore his behaviour/him..

(1) Do not let this child in your home. Your son needs to feel his home is his safe place.

(2) Don't see her at her house - where her child feels he is king (wonder where he gets this attitude from??? Father maybe???)

(3) See her alone sans her son or somewhere public. Watch your son like a hawk and EVERY SINGLE TIME this boy does/says something unkind/inappropriate take action - use the proverbial 'we don't act like that towards our friends, do we?'... 'Thats not very kind, is it?' Talk about the ACTION/BEHAVIOUR but not the offending child.

Honestly.. If your friend gets funny re this then tell her bluntly 'I will not allow my child to be hurt. By anyone. I have bitten my lip and said nothing too many times. Now it stops.'

You might lose a friend out of this.. (I wonder why she has no other friends??? Her son's behaviour is hardly friend-inducing behaviour, is it???).. But more importantly your child will feel protected by you.

So, here's how today went. We arrived at 11 (compared with the usual 9 on the button) The boys wanted to play with the ball. Her DS wouldn't let mine play with the ball "told" me to go home and get his one, he then went out and got another ball and told my ds he couldn't play with it either. I said that's not a very nice way to treat your friend, his mam knocked the ball out of his hand and gave it to ds.

My ds wanted to play out the back as he got pissed of with the other boy taking the ball on him. Her son blocked the door and refused to let mine out. This happened in the kitchen. My friend didn't even look up. I tried to get his hand off the handle but literally would have had to drag him off and so I picked my son up and said we will have to wait until his mammy moves him, eventually she got up and said "ah ds, let him out" she got the door open and he blocked the doorway with his body, nudging DS as he walked past. DS then turned and looked at him as if to say, you need to cop on!

They were then out the front playing (small garden very quiet area) and told not to go past the hedge (I told them) I was watching and they both snook out. I called DS in and told him he couldn't play out there anymore. Her DS was left with no consequences.
Mine decided he was going out the back again, so the other one eventually came in demanding to know where he was. Bouncing on the trampoline. He went out and they played nicely together for a few minutes. DS was getting down to play on the swings and then wanted to go back on the trampoline and the other boy blocked him and shoved DS back off the ladder.
I told ds we had to go home and we left. I told him in the car that it wasn't ok for his friend to do that and that we would go to the shop and get a treat and have fun at home where he didn't have anybody being mean to him.

All the time, she literally did nothing. She did apologise for her son picking on mine so she knows this is happening but still won't do anything about it.
I wanted to be able to have factual points so I would know I wasn't being over sensitive. I will be avoiding from now on. I'll just have to be really busy for the summer.

She is not making any effort to discipline her son, and I'm afraid I would have had enough by now and not care about her sensitivity.

As other posters have said, do not let your ds suffer being around this child. It is completely unfair on him. I would avoid permanently, as if she was really your friend she wouldn't allow your ds to be bullied.

It sounds like she is walked over by her husband and never puts up a fight and her child is copying the husband and treating her like shit.

There is no future here really as the child is likely to get worse considering what you say about her home life and that she won't confront her son.

You may have to prepare yourself to drop this friendship - I finished a friendship because I couldn't stand my friend justifying herself being a doormat to a sexist pig husband. In the end she lost all her friends as no one could stand her husband and they stopped feeling sorry for her as she kept saying she was happy. So now she is happy with very few friends and in household of 3 people she comes 3rd.

Sorry you've had such a lousy day op, but hey you never know by avoiding she may just get the message and start disciplining her son.

You know there is a problem.

So every time he has a go at your DS it is your fault now.

We had this. I had to let the friendship go unfortunately.

I had the identical situation withy best friend and her child. Like you evenings are family time but it really was the only way forward so I made space for my good friend. I explained that my DD found play dates distressing and I needed to give my DD a break from her DD as she wasn't handling things well. My friend and I met in the evening for a couple of months and then got the kids together after a few months apart. On getting back together I said that I'd play it by ear and we wouldn't stay long if things weren't smooth. As it happens things were fine and 10 years down the line the girls are best buddies.

I think you need to stand up for your DD and think about what she needs. If that means you see your friend in the evening so be it. Maybe you could pop to her house.

You are allowing your child to be bullied and teaching him to accept such treatment. Make a stand.

Does your DD actually want to see/play with her DS?

I had exactly this situation, although the bullying was mainly physical and I did as you have until the children were about to start school in the same class, when i was very worried this behaviour was going to continue into Reception. While I was with them I could protect DD, but it became obvious to me that i wasn't always going to be there. We ended up falling out as she felt my DD should sort her daughter out for her! And said that her DD loved my DD. I think it can be difficult when children have grown up seeing each other so often they could be siblings, but have a different upbringing and different levels of parental control.
At the end of the day you must stop your son being treated like this and preferably find him a bigger pool of children to play with than just this boy.

Another small update. I got a call to go over this morning. I knew I only had a half hour and DS wanted to go so off we went.

I told DS to play out the back and her DS blocked the door and refused to let my little man out. She jumped and told him to move, that it is not ok to spend another day being mean. They played away and I left.

I think very very short visits are probably the way to go.

If you can make short visits work, great, by September you can meet for a coffee while they are in pre-school and the stress is over rather.

Do you see other children a similar age? You seem to spend pretty much every day with them - it would be better prep for pre-school for your DS to see a wider range of other children anyway, could you go to some toddler groups if there are any locally? (You could always invite her along too, but as it's at neither of your houses, you can leave or she can leave if it's a problem and there's other children to 'dilute' his behaviour)

yy to very short visits. she's also clearly getting the idea that if she doesn't do something about his behaviour she's going to lose your friendship. well handled.

Limit contact, your ds should not have to put up with bullying. It may get better though.
I have a nephew the same age as my ds1. DS1 has always been very sociable, gentle and is just a lovely boy. He and my nephew had seen each other regularly since birth but when my nephew was three he became extremely violent towards my ds (and not just my ds, he hit me and DH too ), basically if he wasn't the centre of attention he lashed out. We limited contact without them knowing. We only saw them in public places and kept it quite short, we became very "busy" for six months or so then we invited them over again. DS and my nephew had a fab time, there was no violence and they are really good friends. My nephew just seemed to go through a phase of being violent. His parents were very firm and didn't allow him to behave that way at all though. It sounds like your friend needs to be firmer with her son, if she isn't then you need to tell him off so your ds can see that it's not acceptable for people to bully him.

basically i put my kids before my relationships with my friends. just the way it is.

so if my kids don't get on with my friend's, then i see them without kids.

i'd actually leave it to your ds as to whether he wants to see this boy. if you get an invitation, ask your ds if he wants to go and play. if he doesn't just say 'sorry but ds doesn't feel up to it today.'

We had the same problem with Dnephew bullying and hurting Ds but not just Ds, also his other cousins and most trips to family attractions would result in rows with other parents because of his behaviour.

It was difficult to tackle because SIL is also very sensitive and MIL is very over-protective of them both. On the odd occasion we spoke up it caused world war 3 so it was just easier in the end to not meet-up even if it meant Ds missed out on a lot of family events and I missed out on adult company.

Think you need to not take your Ds there anymore or he's going to wonder why you're taking him to a place where he is treated badly and keeps getting hurt - by keeping going it's like you're condoning it in a way and that's not fair on your Ds.

Agree it's massively stressful and an awful situation to be in, I remember times where i literally nearly weed myself on the way home because I daren't go whilst there incase he got hurt