about my sons birthday and dh attitude

[2boysandcounting1]

My son is 2 at the end of the month. I asked him a few weeks back if his mom would like to come and stay the weekend for my sons birthday. There is a history of her always cancelling at the last minute but want her to feel included.

His birthday however falls on a Saturday so i suggested to my husband we could go to the beach for the day as both sons would love this as we dont get a chance for many days out as my husband works 2 jobs. He said it would make it a long day and his mom isn't aware that she would be going to the beach. He would pick her up on the Thursday or Friday and take her home on the Sunday but i just don't want to just stay home as we did that last year.

i feel he is making the weekend more about his mom coming than our sons birthday. He said to me fine i will cancel my mom and do what you want as per usual which isn't true. I said that i didn't see the problem with his mom coming with us. He hung the phone up on me. Please tell me if im being unreasonable as would like to take the boys out and include my MIL in this but think my husband is now focused on whether his mom will cancel like she has many times in the past and i think he thinks this will make her cancel.

It sounds like he's terrified that his mum will reject him (and you all) by not visiting again if you do anything other than sit at home. It's not ok for him to take that out on you, and of course ds's birthday should be about what ds wants to do. But I really think there's something a lot deeper going on here. Dh is being unreasonable, but he sounds scared, could you discuss that with him?

Do you need to plan going to the beach ?

Can you just let her come and then the night before say "oh weather looks good tomorrow - how about we go to the beach?"
If she says no to the beach then suggest park or castle or whatever - don't just sit in the house.

He is upset about his mums behaviour - it really isn't about the beach.
She isn't being the mum/grandma he wants her to be and feels she should be.

I think you are spot on, he is terrified as there is a long history. She come to our youngest sons christening then made an excuse to leave after the church as ceremony was to long and she had plans in afternoon and didn't even say bye to any of us, my son only saw her by chance leaving the church and chased after her. There have been many similar circumstances happen and i feel fed up that even after that his mom coming is taking over the weekend. I try and talk to him about it but he is so defensive about. We dont get alot of time together as a family and my husband has booked a weekend off for this and don't know when he is off again. It could well be raining which would be just our luck but if its a nice day i thought it would be nice to make use of the day.

If his mum isn't aware then why can't your husband let her know in advance and say that your son has asked to go to the beach for his birthday? If she cancels that's her problem. She can't complain that she hasn't been invited

Why would going to the beach make your MIL not want to come? Couldn't your DH just call and say you are thinking of going to the beach so she might want to bring clothes that are suitable? I don't see than any reasonable grandparent would have a problem with that.

Totally agree that you shouldn't waste a rare summer weekend together staying at home when its your DS's birthday, unless thats what you wanted to do.

Could you suggest to dh that you not mention it before she arrives? That way it wouldn't be a reason for her not to come. She sounds very hard work if she runs at the first sign of doing something she doesn't want to. Poor dh, and poor you.

He needs to feel like you're completely on his side and supportive of him wanting his mum there. But he also needs to realise that he cannot compromise his family for his mum's whims. She is an adult. She doesn't have to go to the beach if she doesn't want to (although she should for her gc's sake), but you shouldn't be second guessing everything in case she cancels. It's madness.

Maybe she'd love the beach?

I dont see the problem with her coming to the beach, when we asked her we didn't realise his birthday fell on a Saturday. I also don't see how this has to be a problem with her coming as she is welcome. Its my husbands attitude that gets to me that he would rather stay at home so his mom comes rather than giving her the opportunity to go to the beach which would be a nice way to spend our sons birthday.

How far away is the beach? How old / infirm is his Mum?

He can't accuse you of not wanting his Mum to come because you asked him to invite her in the first place.

Of course you should go out for the day.

Is there some reason why your DH might not want to go to the beach? Wouldn't it help to tell his DM about the possibility of a beach trip, so that she can bring the right clothes?

Anyway, YANBU.

There is a massive history with tension with Ils it all started when my first son was born as they are a family of smokers and don't see a problem with smoking in front of our children where as i do as i watched my dad die of COPD so its a sensitive area for me. However i have always included my MIL and asked her myself or asked my husband to ask her if she wants to come down to ours. I even asked her if she wanted to come on holiday with her last October and she agreed but cancelled shortly before we went.

i would always support my husband but my patience wears a little thin when everytime we have a family occasion it is overshadowed with wondering if his mom will come or cancel. Boxing day a couple of years ago my SIL phoned my dh totally drunk slagging me off telling him he needs to stand up to me over the smoking issue and i was called selfish she also said i used my dads death as an excuse and COPD was not an illness! Our wedding day they left about 5.00 shortly after eating so didn't stay for evening and our first sons christening their taxi apparently turned up early so they left early again!

I think i feel resentful a bit as it has an impact on us as a family as it causes tension and its hassle i could do without as im pregnant with DC3. Feel like Ds birthday is now all about if his mom will come or not.

The beach is about an hour and a half away. She is in her 60s. Has asthma so has trouble sometime with her chest but would park close to beach or if couldn't park that close then drop her off and park the car. She wouldn't have to do much walking at all.

With that additional information, I hope your dh stood up for you! I don't know anyone who would be happy with someone smoking around their dcs, even without a close family member dying from a related illness.

They sound hard work. Your problem here is your dh and his worrying about whether they'll turn up. After their attitude towards your family I would be wishing they didn't! He needs to stop pandering to them. But I have no idea how you get him to realise this.

Tell your DH that yes, your son's birthday does come first and that if his Mum can't manage a day at the beach without a fag then she is better off staying at home that weekend and not visiting.

Suggest she comes on another weekend instead.

Or not. She sounds horrible.

They are hard work. I dont have anything to do with my other ILs especially SIL but try to be on good terms with MIL as DH mom. The reason they left at the first christening was because they turned up late as SIL was smoking outside church as DH went looking for them just before service and as it was a public service they sat in the middle and Mil thought she should sit at front but we told her it was part of a Sunday service and only reserved seats were the front row for godparents and parents. Same thing happened for second christening where they were late and she even had the nerve to insult the ceremony saying she didn't know why half of it was included and she thought it went on to long so had to get back. We had catered for them as well so had food left over. I just find them so unreliable.

I think YABU. You've invited your MIL and are now planning on doing an activity you know she won't enjoy. That's pretty rude. Surely there are other things you can do to celebrate a 2 year olds birthday that she wouldn't obviously be upset about? It's not as though it's your son pushing for the beach on his birthday. It's you.

I understand there's a back story (and I'm totally in support of your stand on the smoking) and you are half expecting her to cancel anyway, but it isn't welcoming or inclusive to invite someone then plan on doing something you know they won't like.

But i don't know she wont enjoy it. I haven't purposely chosen something i know she wont enjoy, i have a nearly 4 year old who is always asking to go to the beach and as my husband has that weekend off and don't know how long we will have to wait until he is off again i thought it would be nice to tie it in with my other son' birthday.

Any normal grandparent would be delighted to spend a day at the beach with their grandchildren, and if it wasn't their favourite day out, to enjoy the children's enjoyment anyway.

My Mum would sit on hot coals all the way and then have her picnic in an ants nest for the pleasure of seeing her toddler and young GC have a blissful day.

Your children and their birthdays come before an adults need to smoke. If the day out does not suit her, choose her visit to be a different day to the birthday.
You sound like you have been reasonable. They sound selfish and your husband sounds torn. I am not one of those 'kids always come first mums' but on this occasion it's perfectly understandable - they are flaky, don't let them upset you.

If you had invited your family down and your husband arranged something you thought they would dislike, he'd be a bit of a git to stick to it after you'd told him wouldn't he? Him insisting he knows your family better than you would not be particulary reasonable or nice would it?

From your OP I understood you as saying your husband has said she won't want to go. If he hasn't said that. If he's more saying she'd probably enjoy it but will use it as an excuse not to come anyway, then YANBU but I do feel very sorry for your husband having a mother like that.

BoomBoomsCousin- sorry it probably didn't come accross very clear, i meant she would use it as an excuse to cancel as he txt me earlier asking me to speak to him mom about it saying "you know what my mom is like". I think the whole thing is sad that things cant be natural and we cant just last minute decide to do something without the anxiety of his mom cancelling causes DH. That's the part that makes me mad that her behaviour has an impact on our lives not that i would deliberately plan something that she wouldn't enjoy it.
Just seems a nicer alternative weather permitting than just sitting in the house or garden like any other day when we have a rare occasion to do something different. Im at a complete loss to be honest as it causes tension between DH and i and i dont know what to do or how to deal with it as his family are never going to change and it just makes DH miserable and moody.

It's not the activity, is it? You could be suggesting something mil loves, but she would use any known event as an excuse to cancel to punish her son for not letting her smoke around the dcs. Is that right?

Then I would plan whatever I wanted. Tell dh if he wants to miss his son's birthday and sit at home pandering to her instead, then that's fine. He needs to stop letting her have this power over him. He can't second guess every event, and if he could then she would change it to, "I'm not coming, you never arrange anything nice to do when I'm there anyway."

Spot on FUC. It isn't the event as it has happened with so many things and i couldn't get my head around just disappearing at the christening. I remember looking out for her and not seeing her but she must have arrived about 10 minutes after it started as she was sitting at the back. When we were having photos done around the font i saw my husband race off at the time i didn't know what was going on. She hadn't even said hello or goodbye to myself or her grandsons!

Have you tried getting dh to see it from a parent's point of view?

I know that if my hypothetical DIL had a weird aversion to me drinking water around the dhcs (trying to think of something where I could not comprehend the reason for it, as mil seems unable to comprehend the smoking thing ) then I wouldn't drink water, and I'd not complain.

I wouldn't miss out on key moments in their lives because I was pissed off that I couldn't drink water around them. I would accept that we parent differently, and do anything to be around my ds and dgcs.

Could dh try and see what she is doing from the context of what he would do? Does he really think she should be rewarded for this behaviour by begging her, pandering to her, and compromising family plans so that she doesn't have an excuse to cancel? Can he see how ridiculous it is? What a cruel thing that is to do to your own son?