To wonder if I am just weird and unfixable and should just live in a cave

[probablyjustweird]

I am just completely, 100% incapable of talking to people, I don't mean just a bit shy, I mean i completely freeze and can't say anything, or if I do manage to say anything it's usually just 'yeah' or in a bizarre unsure voice as if I'm not sure what I'm saying or I'm asking a question, then I can't think of anything else to say afterwards and spend the next few days thinking about how stupid I came across.
I've ALWAYS been this way, ever since I was in primary school, my mum said the teachers were often mentioning autism to her (pretty sure I'm not autistic though, I know what I should be saying/doing, I can relate to people pretty well I'm just too scared to do so)
I have no friends, at all. I've had friends before, but years ago (at school, or college, or friends from school or college I'd kept in touch with) but I remember these friendships never came easy to me and always seemed a bit... fake. Like i was performing and not really acting myself at all
It's been a problem for ages, I got into a lot of horrible situations from about the age of 11, because i would get incredibly drunk just to be able to talk to people. Numerous overdoses (which I'll admit, I didn't want to die I don't think, I wanted someone to help, but they didn't because I was always to scared to ever say what the problem was. actually, once I was too scared to say anything I just didn't speak to the doctor at all, not a word and almost ended up getting myself sectioned over it. fortunately when my dad showed up he convinced them I was just playing up and they let me leave with him) I've even ended up so drunk and desperate and in just completely lost and alone, I ended up walking in the middle of the road at night, completely naked and got arrested. I genuinely can't remember how that happened I was that drunk, I only really remember having it explained to me what happened at the police station ) that was 3ish years ago and I've not drank much at all since then, because when I do, I can't control myself.
Now, that's just background information I guess to give a picture of how ridiculous I am, and have been. The only thing I can say is that I seem to have improved, in that I those kind of situations no longer happen. I have a 10 month old son so I don't drink barely ever because those things cannot happen he deserves better.
I'm always the weird one. everyone always thinks I'm weird and wherever I am, it seems to be a running joke between everyone how weird the quiet girl is who never speaks.
I want to make friends. I want my son to have friends, and be normal and sociable and not go through the same thing but HOW
I just don't know how I can make myself? I feel so isolated and lonely all the time and I don't know what to do.

sorry that was long. kind of at the end of my tether with myself.

you write well. could communicating by text/internet help?

have you been to see the gp, taking it written down as speaking is so difficult.

[hug] Your perception of yourself is probably not one that others have of you or is exaggerated. Play to your strengths. So you're not a good talker? Maybe you're a fantastic listener and those people are rarer. Perhaps tell people outright that you struggle with talking so they don't think you are being rude or weird but see it as a genuine problem that you have. Something along the lines of "Sorry, but I really struggle with talking. I have all my life. So please don't think I'm being rude". I'm sort of in a similar situation with the school mums at DS's school - most don't speak very good English and any attempts at conversation with them kind of peter out after one or two. It is very isolating.

I am not sure what to suggest because this isn't my own experience, I do the opposite when nervous and talk like crazy then go home and worry I've said idiotic things, so I think everyone can be a bit self-conscious around people they don't know but it can come out very differently.

Have you considered you have social anxiety disorder? Even if you don't want to go the medication route, it might help to find others in a similar situation or think about getting CBT or therapy. I had a friend with this and as a teen/twenties he simply never spoke in public ever or out with friends, only on a one-to-one with someone he already knew. He's now much much better and does a job involving a lot of meeting new people, so it is not necessarily set for life.

The caves are already jam packed but I'm sure we can squeeze up and make room for you :).

Weird is good.

Have you had any kind of help at all with this?

I can definitely empathise, I have been the quiet girl who doesn't speak for most of my life and therapy I had for a different issue really helped me work out some of the problems I had. I have quite a few autistic traits too.

A couple of other things that helped me:

• I tried to find something that I could be good at and develop my skills in. I tried quite a few things, ended up being quite good at sewing and also signed up for a course. The little confidence boost mastering a new skill gave me some thing to talk about and a little spring in my step. Doesn't have to be expensive, can be anything e.g learning about birds or plants, growing something from a seed,

• I watched confident talkative people, how they spoke, what they talked about, body movements, conversation starters etc. I thought about it a lot and then went to a playgroup at the other side of town where no one knew me and tried to pretend I was one of those people. Some times it worked, sometimes it didn't, but it was very good practice at learning the 'social dances' of conversation that I struggled with before. I tried to walk in confidently with a smile, sit down and make a little chat with the person I sat next to. Some groups were horrible, some were so lovely. The first time someone was horrible it set me back a bit but then I managed to pick myself and force myself out again and it got easier each time.

It's much easier when you have a child because you have something to talk about, an object to focus on. You can distract yourself with them when you have had enough of talking and they are there to interact with so you don't feel quite so isolated or silly. They also give a handy list of topics e.g I like that top your DD is wearing. Where did you get it? Or how are you finding this stage etc.

Sorry to hear about all you've been through.

Sounds like you're frightened of speaking and it has become a big issue in your mind.

Do you talk to your son?
His father?
other family members?

What makes you think that other people think you're weird? Maybe they just think that you're shy or naturally introverted? That's what I'd think if someone didn't speak much.

Thankyou for the replies.
I did try to go to my GP once, wrote a letter, showed him and he was very very nice and sympathetic and referred me to some other people, for an assessment for counselling/CBT but I never got the letter (this was when I was still living at home, my dad used to read my post and I think he might have thrown it away because he was completely against anything like that, I remember him telling my primary school teacher he "doesn't make mental children" after her suggesting a child psychologist, I get kind of angry about that because I'd probably be somewhat capable of seeming normal by now. I was too scared to go back since incase the doctor thought I was being annoying/attention seeking and wasting his time.

Also, your Dad sounds rather controlling - how was your childhood and do you think your upbringing might have contributed to your current situation?

Waving from cave, you can step in and out of your cave as and when you wish. Try something small first like simple chat and you pay for shopping? No need to rush into making a huge social life. Its OK to start with a smile to a stranger and weather comment. Next time you go back to the shop say hi again. As you Ds grows up, he will help, you have someone to talk to, and someone to talk about. Make your cave comfy, so when you feel like hiding in it, its a good place.

Just to be clear, I do speak sometimes on a good day, I can maybe muster some sort of hello, yeah I'm fine, you? type thing but it's difficult and I get all weird in my head, and it feels a bit like I become separate to the world almost. It's a confusing feeling, sometimes when I feel like that I can only look at my phone or something really close to me and find it hard to...engage? in the world, even watching TV in seperate-from-the-world mode can be difficult, I don't seem to be able to take it in because it's far away and I can't concentrate. It's literally like a bubble. If my minds like that I get confused a lot and can get lost and lose direction even on a street I know well. Only exception to that is DS I seem to always be able to engage with him.

frames- thankyou, that's good advice to maybe start with the smaller stuff and not put too much pressure on things.

Pecan- my childhood was reasonably good, I don't think my dad was particuarly controlling just old fashioned and doesn't believe in "that stuff" but he has helped me loads in more practical ways. I do speak to DS lots, I find that very easy he's just a baby, doesn't know what I'm saying and he needs to be spoken to. his dad, yeah i speak to him but we don't live together and quite often I get awkward with him. i can speak to my parents and one of my brothers easily but not extended family, they all think I'm weird too I think

apart from the naked part :) you sound just like me, I failed my nursing degree (in the last 6 weeks of the final year) due entirely to lack of confidence and I also 'freeze' when people speak to me, especially if I'm already stressed and my head goes even more to pot.

I used to walk around looking at the floor without realising I was doing it, until it was pointed out to me, by a tutor who said I was an 'introvert' and then went on and on about it for nearly an hour. I was also told by someone I worked with (just before I left nursing) how completely 'different' I was (not in a good way) and that they basically didn't know what to do with me... oddly enough though I always got on with the patients.

I would be perfectly happy as a recluse and as I'm now doing art work instead of nursing.. apart from taking the children to school and back I hardly go out (I do go out with DH and children in the holidays and things because they need that).

People probably don't think your weird... and if anyone has actually said that its them with the issue. I don't get on with the majority of people... I have nothing against them and will say hello and smile but I don't make an effort to actually speak to them, I don't dislike I'm just not the kind of person to go up to someone and start talking to them (because I don't know what to talk to them about and feel really uncomfy) there's actually only a few people who I feel comfortable with and usually I have usually felt comfortable with them as soon as I met them, or at least I don't clam up straight away ... I realize I sound a complete fruit loop so will shut up now ;).

I do have some amazing friends and you will meet some amazing people too i'm sure :) probably as your little boy gets older he'll start socialising with other mums and going places with him, I'm not saying it gets alot easier but it does get a bit easier especially if you meet someone that you 'click' with.

My upbringing played a major part in how I am but not going to bore anyone with that :)

My son is autistic ... maybe I am a bit too but he is moderately autistic and has a lot of traits.... i'm probably just anti-social ;)

I think most people think they are weird.

I know it's tricky with a 10 month old but what about trying to do some sports. I play a racket sport and find its a great way to be social without having to be too social IYSWIM . It's lighthearted, fun and casual. You can have a bit of a chat and it doesn't seem artificial. You don't have to be good as there are classes for everyone.

I suppose there must be other things you could do which would enable you to be more comfortable in social situations without having to get too involved too quickly.

Making proper friends take a long, long time.

Just checked back on this thread. So your childhood was ok and you can speak to very close family... well that is good.

I had another thought. Have you ever done a personality test? E.g. one based on Myers Briggs? I know that some people are very sceptical about them, but I did a couple of tests and a bit of reading, and found it very useful. I fitted one of the less common types and it explained a lot about why I often feel like I don't 'fit in' (although I am naturally sociable and better at covering up than you, I still feel 'weird' inside - as HesGotStyle suggests!)

None of them are infallible and not read too much into an internet test, BUT, this one is ok
www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

If you do it, let me know what type you are!

Pecan thank you so much for the link.
Apparently I am an INTJ - I found the description very accurate, especially the part about wanting people to make sense and having little understanding of small talk rules.
I wish I had taken it 15 years ago. I would have made better career choices.

Autism in females seems to present rather differently from mainstream perceptions about it. This is an interesting read that might help you to eliminate the possibility, or consider it further.

taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/

Thanks for responding OP. I have become interested in this personality stuff recently and I must admit I guessed you'd be IN.. something. They are the rarer types - not weird, not better, just different.

But if you grow up in a family where everyone else is one of the frequently occurring types, you're more likely to feel like an outsider.

My Dad is an INTJ and he also struggles with small talk and lives in a 'cave', luckily he lets me visit him there! He works for himself and is quite happy to live in a relatively isolated way and avoid socialising too much.

It is harder when you're a Mum with young children though. Looking around this site there seem to be plenty of women with babies and toddlers who wonder how the heck they're going to fit into the sugary 'mummy world'. Of course it is harder still for anyone who isn't comfortable with small talk.

Anyhow I recommend you look a bit more into this if you think it might help you. The original book on this subject is called 'Gifts differing' by Isabel Briggs Myers.

This site has a few helpful tips www.succeedsocially.com/