AIBU to ask people to call/text before dropping round?

[Discopanda]

My MIL and I have had a rocky relationship for a while, it was fine until we lived with them and it all fell apart because she was so critical and is clearly a bit unhinged. Since we moved in to our own house we've told everyone that they're welcome to come round if they give us some notice first, as I really don't like unexpected visitors. Everyone else calls or texts if they're going to be around, but MIL has turned up on our doorstep unannounced twice (once with some random friend of hers asking to show him around) and has let herself in twice, the rest of the time she literally doesn't bother to see my LG. It's annoying because she's telling people that I'm stopping her from seeing my LG even though she's been told dozens of times that she's welcome over if we get a bit of notice! AIBU to want a bit of notice considering I'm a busy mum who works from home

Yanbu, it's rude.

Don't answer the door, lock it from the inside (why does she have a key?).

Make a point of inviting her round at specific times.

YANBU. No one I know does this, and if anyone did I would be telling them that they cannot come in as "now is not a good time, you should have called first". Although you don't even need to say that, no is a complete sentence.

Don't give her a key if she's not respecting your boundaries. Who cares what she's telling people? If they know her then they probably know what's really going on.

Let herself in?

Who gave her a key?

"Lose" your keys and do not give her replacements. What does DH say about this - is he coming out with "you know what she's like, she will never change" type nuggets? In which case you have a DH problem rather than a MIL problem.

Unfortunately OP this thread will split into those who will accuse you of being a heartless bitch for not having a total open house and welcoming every member of your extended family and friendship group who happens to be passing by with a heartfelt smile and a range of beverages and snacks.

Others like me will tell you MIL is totally unreasonable and that when I was in your situation I actually sat it out and left ILS banging on the doors and windows, and just refused to let them in. Yes it caused a furore that DH had to resolve, but they never fucking did it again

Sorry, meant lose your keys and get locks changed and don't give her replacements.

You are being unreasonable.

You don't need to be 'ready' for her and she shouldn't expect you to be.

FYI my mum and mil both have a key to our house.

Officer, that's what I mean about not needing to be ready.

I work from home, paint rooms, save my fanny (!) and so on. If anyone turns up, they know I might be busy and have to wait. That's never an issue, just make themselves a cuppa and read the paper.

It's all about managing expectations

Shave, not save

I rest my case

I'd like to save my fanny.

YADNBU

You need to get the key back.

YANBU.

ILs did this to us once. It was a Sunday morning and we were still in bed.

DH was mightily pissed off and took his sweet time getting up and showering before going downstairs to see them.

It has never happened again.

She has a key?! Oh dear me that's a bad plan. Only thing for it is to change the locks or get a chain (but then she might come in when you are out). We are, I like to think, pretty good hosts and are pretty guest ready in the guest rooms but not the rest of the place. I love guests and love family over but people 'dropping in' gives me the fucking rage. You need to hold out on this one... or this is you for the rest of your life!!

She doesn't have a key, both times the door wasn't closing properly and she just pushed it open and came in without even knocking. See, now I have an excuse for DH "I haven't shaved my fanny cos I was worried about your mother popping in unannounced, sorry!"

On that case just get a chain then she can't come in!

Well, I've not got a lot of sympathy for people who leave their door open if people let themselves in - it's normal in my world to need a key to open a door.

Personally, I think it's odd that family and friends can't knock the door if they happen to be in the area, but it's something I've found out on MN that there are others like you, so I don't know if that makes you U or not - just unwelcoming.

Even if it weren't your office, you would not be unreasonable!

Presumably there's some journey between your house and hers. No reason at all she can't text/call to establish whether it's convenient before heading over. I get on brilliantly with my parents but they'd never come to my house without notice, even if it's "we'll be nearby in 15 mins, would that suit you?". I would expect to give them notice too. For her to try to impose her way on you is rude.

I'm with you op and think she is unreasonable not you.

I HATE it when people drop round without messaging me or calling first. Unless it's a birthday or something and then you expect to get the odd knock at the door with people posting cards and dropping off presents maybe.

It's just manners - when you have families life is so busy that people 'stopping by' for an hour can completely disrupt a whole day.

It's happened to me many a times but not with MIL. I dislike her for many other reasons

Good luck op

You are NBU to want her to do this. And you need to make it clear to her.

But i also think she is NBU in wanting to pop round. I still feel like I am having to ring to make an appointment when I see my DB and SIL. It feels wierd to walk past their house on the way back from the shops, and know I can't knock and talk to them for 5 minutes about something. Instead I have to go home and ring them on the phone to talk to them about it. So I can understand where your MIL is coming from.

We have several friends who can turn up when they like because I know they will happily make themselves a cup of tea, amuse themselves while I finish what I'm doing and without giving a stuff if I haven't hoovered yet.

Sadly my MIL is not in this group because she used to turn up unannounced from 40 miles away, expect us to drop what we were doing and then it would be:

"Why is that laundry still on the line? It's dry you know," or "Haven't you painted that wall yet?" or "Look at all that dust down the back of your TV," and "No, I won't have anything to eat, you know how your cooking disagrees with me."

We dug in our heels and insisted she rang first, (we invite her regularly as well, including for overnight stays) a phone call gives me a good hour to hide the laundry, dust and hoover and lay bets with DH over what she'll find to critisise this time.

So no, YANBU, give people the access they deserve.

Lg?