Grrrr

[gizmosmama]

DS is currently being a nightmare sleeper and I've started sleeping on a mattress on the floor in his room for all our sakes. That's fine (it's not, but you'll find that rant on the sleep thread!) but it's DH that's really winding me up!
Twice during the night, he's got up, popped his head through the door with a whispered 'love you' and look of sympathy then tottered off to the loo and back to bed.
Now I know he works full time, I'm on mat leave and DS is EBF so we've agreed it makes most sense for me to do the night shifts but I'm finding this weird show of solidarity really annoying. If he's not going to come in and help I'd really rather he at least made the most of the fact that he can sleep through the night. I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel as if he's not grateful enough and he's wasting precious sleep time when I'd give anything to be asleep but haven't got that option.
I've literally never had a night off since DS was born (he's only 4mo but feels like a lifetime) despite having expressed milk and hinted strongly! The least he could do is make the most of his protected sleep and be grateful and thankful for it!

I don't think YABU. Probably tired and hormonal but not unreasonable! I think the problem is, your DH can't see it from your point of view. He's got a 4-month-old baby, gets the bed to himself and a full night's sleep every night? That's not how it's supposed to be. You are both supposed to feel like sleep-deprived zombies by now;).
He thinks he's being supportive, but I can see why it's annoying, tbh.
Is it maybe time to ask him outright to share the load - presumably you are at home alone all day as well?
On his days/nights off, he could easily give the baby expressed milk, which would help you out and give him time alone with him.
My OH works shifts - the deal we had with DD and with the one due next month was when he was on nights or early shifts, I would feed her, but on his days off and late shifts, when he had time for a lie-in, I would express enough milk the night before and he would feed her. It worked perfectly and he really enjoyed sitting with her late at night with no-one else fussing over her. They have a brilliant relationship now, so I'm hoping that will work again this time.

Could he take a shift in between feeds? Just once a night would give you a bit of sleep & you'd feel better.

He probably doesn't know how you feel. You should probably tell him before you get so wound up & sleep deprived that you snap at him

Good luck!

YANBU but he is trying to be nice!

In my experience, 'hinting' does no good. Need a break (a much deserved one) then tell him!
As for coming in through the night, why is he awake?

If DS is only 4 months old, I would be putting DH on the mattress and have DS in with me.

I'm with bitsnbobs14 , don't hint, just tell him straight that you need a break (a regular one), and ask him how he'd like to handle it. (For us, DH does the dream feed just before going to bed, I'm already asleep, then I do all night wakes. At the weekend we swap. He gets to go to bed early, deals with the wakings, and gets a bit of a lie in. Works for us.)

The popping in in the night thing would have wound me up at 4Ms too. Sleep is too bloody precious at that point, to squander it! I would have felt very resentful, and somewhat insulted. But I would put money on your DH having no idea that it's anything but helpful, he is just trying to be kind. Talk to him about it, when you're both calm (sleep deprived arguements have a way of spiralling into crazy rage faster than you can blink) tell him you know it's meant to be nice, but in the middle of sleep deprevation it doesn't make you feel any better, so please stop.

Just ask him to do a Fri or Sat night (assuming he works M-F). After 4 months I can't believe this has never happened. Don't hint. Ask.

I do know what you mean about getting up and saying hello. It always irked me when the baby would cry (DH and I take turns getting up) and I would get up only for DH to also get up for a wee. I always think -if you need a wee, just get up and feed the baby while you're at it because I don't need a wee and want to stay in bed!

Stop hinting and tell him. There's no reason why he can't do the weekend feeds and let you sleep.

We had a non sleeping dd for two years and it didn't matter what the other one did it was wrong.
We spent many a morning hissing at each other, if he got up on a work night I'd feel guilty and if it was mt turn I'd be all cross, it's just how it is.
I'd have probably murdered him if he'd said "I love you" as I lay on her bedroom floor grrrr.

Dh had to do his but though, it went on for two,years.

I went back to work after one.

If I was off I'd do the nights but he'd get up after 5 until he left for work so I could have an hour or two.

It's got to be a two man job or it will drive you mad.

Would it at least help for him to do the last feed so that you can get an early night and an early feed when he first gets up?

Can baby be in with both of you so that you are at least in a bed?

I bfed, but husband never slept anywhere else.

He thought that the least he could do was be in the same bed as me!

Put your foot down now.

Before you know it you will be 21 months in with a bf child who still doesn't sleep with a dp who has yet to do a night feed.

And the next one arrives in 4 weeks

bitter? moi?

I don't get why you're sleeping on a mattress on the floor
Just have the baby in bed with you or a travel cot in your room

My dh used to feed my dcs at midnight , I went to bed about 9pm
Then I'd do the 4am feed

If you're doing all the feeding shouldn't you at least get the bed & he be on a mattress on the floor?

Hinting is a waste of time. Tell him you need a hand.

YANBU to be irritated at the "love you" though, I'd want to poke his eyes out.

He sounds lovely! Have you tried actually ASKING for a night off??

It's hard - I couldn't have a night off when my boy was 4mo. But I did ask for help and got it.

Sometimes I would say "I can't feed any more, please give him a small top up milk if he wakes between 12-3am"

Other nights I would spend all night in bed and he would bring me the baby each time and settle him down in his cot. It always felt ridiculous but that was the most helpful to me - I couldn't properly rest if I wasnt feefing but it was great to have a 'lazy' night.

Thank you! Must admit was a little nervous that my first AIBU post might be met with a big fat 'yes you are'!
Feel the need to defend DH a little now! The sleeping arrangement was actually my idea and only started last night. Until now DS was in a basket next to our bed but he's too big for it now and I thought that might be contributing to his night wakes (wishful thinking!) and unfortunately his cot doesn't fit in our room. I could stay in bed with the monitor but because he wakes so often I thought being in his room for a while might make it easier (praying it's just a 4 month regression!).
DH does quite often take DS at 6 for a couple of hours before he goes to work so I can sleep but it's a full night I need. I think like many of you have said, he obviously means well and maybe I need to be more direct with my asking for help. I think I'll sit him down tonight, having re-read my original post, I'm a bit scared I'm on the fast track to becoming a bitter and resentful martyr-mother!
Thanks for all the words of wisdom, very useful to have a second (,third, etc) opinion when you know you're knackered and want to check you've not turned crazy! I think I'll be on this board a lot!